I am not sure when it started. The apathy. The lukewarmness. The spiritual laziness. The fear. The doubt. The insecurity.
It probably was always there...but it became more and more a part of me. Day after day, choice by choice.
Truth became hazy. The world became attractive. Wants became needs. People became saviors.
I danced. I danced for those I thought wanted me to dance. I did the polka and the waltz and the salsa and the two step.
I conformed. I wanted to please. I claimed it was part of my personalitity. I secretly thought it made me likeable and sweet.
I wanted to be everything to everyone. Needed. I wanted to be a passionate believer to the seasoned. I wanted to be an intellectual to those who could not believe. I wanted to be a modest beauty. I wanted to be called hot. I wanted to give all I have to the poor, orphaned and widowed. I wanted a spa in my home and a unlimited gift card to Banana. I wanted a doting husband. I wanted to be the boss. I wanted to do full time ministry. I wanted to be a movie star. I wanted to read everything I could get my hands on about Jesus. I wanted to read every line in US Weekly. I wanted to have more time. I wanted to watch my DVRed shows 9 hours a week. I wanted to make everyone in my life feel special. I wanted everyone to ask about me.
How does this work? This paradox. This life of faith?
After reviving my quiet times with the Lord in the mornings, I have been reminded.
I prayed. He heard.
Life is different. My heart tender. News that would have provided gossip fodder has broken me. My heart is vulnerable. The things I have held with clenched hands have begun to fall.
The Me I have constructed is not who I was created to be. I am so glad.
He is so trustworthy. This life is messy. It is hard. It is fleeting.
I am so thankful He is worthy. Because I am not. I am so thankful there is more to life than me.