Big lessons, I mean big.

This post has been resonating in my heart for days.  Weeks really.  And as in all things that need to be done, I have been attacked on all fronts preventing it.  My kids are finally healing.  Both are in their rooms, one napping, the other playing during quiet time, so I am left with a little quiet time of my own.  I literally have no clue where to even start.   I have so many thoughts and they are all wanting to tumble out.  I have already forgotten to capitalize and punctuate the few sentences I have typed because the words are so desperate to be transcribed onto this page.

Oh. My. Word.  God is so big.  I mean really.  Here I am, 31 (about to be 32), having been a Christian for 20ish years, stay at home Mom (translated: daily carrying out mundane tasks and very little adult interaction), not slept uninterrupted in over 6 months, had very little quiet time or time in the Word in over 6 months and yet God is still teaching me new things.  Amazing things.  Transformational things.  Things that are still nagging at me.  Begging for a place in my life.  Begging for change to result.

And it all has come through intense suffering.  Not my own.  But others.  Some I am close to and love dearly, others I have never met but still love and deeply care for.  Two sweet Mommas that are my age battling with aggressive cancer, a young pastor I have never met but shepherds several friends battling with Stage 3 brain cancer, the Haitians, another dear friend adopting three siblings to add to their already darling family of 5 trudging through bureaucracy of another country separating her from her other kids for months and months all in attempts to bring these precious three children to their new home, 2 sweet friends dealing with the anniversary of their loved ones deaths...so much pain, weariness.  Yet in the midst of it all, I continue to hear intense, incredible hope.  And as a survivor of deep, deep dark valleys of the soul, my heart is incredible touched, sharing the one of the few things that all humans have in common...suffering.  And I want to battle it out for them, with them.  I want to go to the garden and pray without ceasing for healing, for peace, for progress, for hope, for joy.  I DO NOT want to go back to my place of complacency.  Ignoring anything that does not directly affect me.  I want to be an intercessor.  One that is lent to understanding and compassion and wisdom and stillness.

But even above that, I feel God calling me out of comfort.  As I have hurt for the Haitians, the forgotten orphans around the world, the hungry, deserted, weary and broken, I have felt God asking me an important, and to be perfectly honest, uncomfortable question of "How are you going to respond?  What are you going to do about it?"  I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan last semester with our community group and was intensely challenged with several of these questions.  Questions I have let resonate but have not picked up and looked at too closely for fear of what it might mean for my comfortable existence.  Questions like 
What does it mean to be the hands and feet of Christ?
With so much need, why do I have so much excess?
Am I willing to be uncomfortable so others may have food, shelter, water?
Am I willing for my traditions to be changed (ie: Christmas and the excess of gifts we receive) in order that others might receive instead?
Am I willing to live with significantly less?
And yes, the answers to those questions continue to haunt me.  I want to hold on to comfort with a clenched fist.  I want to have new clothes, and eat out whenever I want, and for my kids to have new clothes and be enrolled in activities that cost money and to have 2 cars and a nice home and to have a great savings account, 401K and to vacation twice a year.  I want.  Yet the money in my wallet (which is super rare because I rarely have spending money) is being waged over in my heart.  All my Christmas money is sitting there, screaming to be spent on new clothes (which I so want after being pregnant) and fun but yet so many needs are continuing to spring up and God continues to ask, "Are you going to be obedient and share what you have been given or keep it for yourself?"  My own heart and the world would argue that money is mine.  Period.  It was given as a gift.  Not to pay bills, not to be given away but to be spent on ME.  I mean, in the deep dark depths of my heart, I am screaming
Come on God!  I am in the throes of the most unselfish phase of my entire life!  I am meeting the needs of others all stinking day.  I am constantly wiping noses and filling up sippy cups and fixing and cleaning up meals and changing diapers and wiping bottoms and making beds and picking up clutter and laundry laundry laundry.  I WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OF FOR A CHANGE!  
Yet though I sense God gently listening to my heart, I also feel Him shaking His holy head, just asking me to trust.  To trust that though these temporary things seem attractive, balm to a weary soul even....He has something better.
I still have so much to say.  But in an effort to not sound schizophrenic, I will end here.  And prayerfully have a pocket of time in the near future to share more.  But in the meantime, please pray for me.  I want to do what He asks.

A New Year...

I have been meaning to post for so long!  I feel like I have been on a unintentional blog break.  So I am trying to get back in the game.  I have so loved reading others New Years posts and am going to both copy and throw out a few of my own thoughts.  So first for the copying, I have loved reading recaps of everyone's year.  God says, "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them."  Deut. 4:9  This verse consistenly challenges me and in this instance, it continues to do so.  I want to remember what God has done daily in my life.  Remember His goodness.  And oh what a year!


We were able and blessed to travel, seeing Disney World through our 3 year olds eyes, a fun birthday trip to Las Vegas, have a relaxing 4th of July vacation (and pre-baby last hurrah!) at the Lake and ended the year in Dallas for the Cotton Bowl.  Each trip was such a blessing and was refreshing and renewing.


In February, Bobby turned 30th and I had a ball trying to think of a way to show him how special he is is in a way that would honor HIM.  I ended up compling letters from everyone he loved in a hardback book.  It truly was so special to him and after reading all those letters, I was reminded of how truly blessed I am to call him mine!


Of course, our biggest blessing of the year arrived July 28th in a 8 lb 10 oz package.  Bo has blessed us more than I can put in words.  Having pleaded with God for him and now have him in our lives each day, it is a consistent reminder of how great is His faithfulness!


We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary in August.  Many say the 7th year is the hardest.  We attending a marriage conference in November which deeply encouraged and inspired us.  We learned new things and were reminded of many things we do not put into daily practice.  We walked away changed.


We began hosting a community group in our home in September.  We adore our leaders and have fallen in love with each couple that God has brought to us.  It was such a great reminder to Bobby and I that God has made us to share our lives with others.  


We fell more in love with our church this year (if that is possible) and learned so much through so many precious, God-inspired messages.  One thing I always pray for my pastors is that God would remove them and use their mouth, that I would hear Him alone.  This year, I feel so confident this happened.  One series in particular, Jesus Hates Religion, rocked our worlds.  It knocked us out of our legalism and reminded us of the true heart of Jesus.  Seriously, ROCKED our worlds.


So those were the high points.  But I love that God is in the mundane days too.  We have been so blessed.  We delight in our children, adore one another and pray daily that we can know God as He knows Himself to be....


As for my heart and prayers for 2010...
*That I would be fully present with my children.  I do not want scattered thoughts or silly tasks to call me away.  I want to be fully, completely with them as we play, learn and grow together.
*That I would become refocused and self controlled.  I know this is the work of the Holy Spirit and I pray that I would bear this fruit.  I have been so undisciplined, forgetful, scattered and unorganized since having babies.  I lose 20 things a day and often forget important things.  I so desire for my heart and mind to be clearly focused and intentional.  


I pray for us all that God would grow us, reveal Himself and show Himself strong in 2010!

Utter Joy...

This will be short and sweet.  Just a little of what I am feeling right now.
This week I have found myself feeling the physical manifestion of joy.  I will be holding Bo or playing with Abby Kate and I will have these bubbles rise up in my chest so intensely that they can only come out, which produces a giggle (or two).  I have watched my almost four year old sing everything she is doing to different tunes she has heard.  I will see Bo's magical smile and hear his sweet giggle and it will be begin again.  I am beginning to better understand how high and how wide and how deep and how long is God's love for us....
I mean, can you imagine?  Take your purest, most intense love for another human and multiply that by intifinity and there you have it.  Makes you think of yourself differently huh?  And makes you want to love others differently doesn't it?  It is the foremost and centerstage commandment...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.  I want to love so much better.


Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.  1 Corinthians 13

A New Project...

If you didn't receive an email from me regarding this new project, please check it out.  I would absolutely love any contribution you may have.  You can email any idea, tradition, or thought to me.  Just leave a comment and I will contact you!  I am super excited to see all God is going to do in and through it!
www.theintentionalparent.blogspot.com 

Perspective...

I was struck today, by the complete alternate reality perspective brings.  I have been the mother of two for five weeks.  So many things have changed in such a short time.  My heart grew again, enough to encompass the love that only your child can evoke within you.  And so many things are the same, yet so very different this time around.  So many said that it would be easier, and in so many ways, it has.  That is perspective for you.

With Abby Kate, I was a mess of tangled nerves and low confidence.  I was up several times a night checking to see if she was breathing.  I was trying to follow the rules, yet pushing down my strong instinct.  I spent hours questioning and trying to figure out why she woke early from a nap or why she woke an extra time one night.  I constantly second guessed myself and despaired that I would never sleep again.  I had little milk and constantly wondered if she was hungry.  I felt trapped by having to nurse so often.  So weighty, so hard.  I slowly began to admit to others as time passed that I did not enjoy the newborn stage.  I would dread what was to come as night fell.  

Perspective entered and now...

I lost three babies and I am holding the one we prayed for....longed for.  I am up several times a night getting to nurse a baby that is gaining weight like a champ and my milk often squirts him in the face, there is such an abundance.  I get to sit for a least 30 minutes at a time, guilt free, every three hours to stare at my son or read a good book if he snoozes.  If he wakes early, we are too busy with life for me to guess why.  I just get him up and incorporate him into our day.  This time, I know this stage passes quickly.  I love to snuggle him.  I would love to rock him all day.  I love putting him in the sling and having his heart beat against mine and smelling his sweet baby smell and having him fall asleep against me.  

Now don't get me wrong.  This is the first week things have felt manageable.  Somewhat normal. A new normal.  I still grieve that I cannot meet both of their needs right when the need them met.  I hate that I have to choose.  But I continue to pray each night that God would redeem any mistake I maden during that day.  And I know seeing another put first will develop character and that their turn will come next.  And it reminds me that I am not in control and I cannot do all things, be all things to all people.  I have been reminded more these past 5 weeks that God is all sufficient.  He supplies exactly what I need, all day.  He gives me strength and multiplies what little sleep I get.   He gives me wisdom and humor and perspective.  Yes, that word again.  Our pastor spoke on Sunday of God's faithfulness and how when our current circumstances seem hard, to look back and remember.  He is so faithful.  The sign my mother in law gave us upon learning we were pregnant says, "For this child, we have prayed."  It hangs over Bo's door and often, as I am nursing, I will look at that sign and then look down in wonder at God's answer.  And I remember.  

Bo's Birth...

I finally had 30 minutes with both kiddos down for naps to post!  So here are some fun pics from the day.  It has been such a trip going from 1 to 2 but super fun.  Bo is such a sweet baby and we are loving every minute of him.  Abby Kate has adjusted super well and loves her brother or "bubby."  Today is our first day on our own and I have laughed trying to figure out how to do it all.  I know it takes time :)

As for the birth, again, it was so much easier than my pregnancy.  I am amazed seeing as how he was a full 2 lbs heavier than Abby Kate.  But I pushed 4 times and he was out.  Born on July 28th at 1:05 pm.  He was 8 lbs 10 oz and 20.5 inches long.  He is PRECIOUS and we are so in love.  

Time to feed!  More later...

Our Son...

Here are just a few pics for those of you that have not seen him yet.  I will do an extended post and the birth story in a bit!  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your prayers!