Friday, August 29, 2008


I have been kicking this post around for days in my mind.  This is how I have always known in some form, I was born to write.  When I have significant occurrences in my life, I always write out my thoughts mentally, until I process through what is necessary.  In my quest to be authentic, this post may be somewhat messy and hard to read but I want to be honest and share what God is doing.  So here goes.
I continue to be baffled with this infertility nightmare.  Both with a desperate desire to understand my body and what is causing pain and infertility and with the whys of the delay.  See, I completely, 100% believe we will have more biological children.  I also am far from despair.  However, some of the consequences of this delay are getting to me.  Like Abby Kate getting a month older each time the pregnancy test shows only one line.  And realizing yesterday that she will be going to Kindergarten around the same time this next child becomes old enough to really play with her.  And having yet another due date pass.  And seeing my husband become more and more saddened.  And feeling the weight of trying and then trying not to worry.  But I am certain that God does not waste pain so I am sure this trial has come with great purpose for us.

So here I am, trying to figure out the whys.
And perhaps that will never be revealed, but here are some of the things I am learning.

1.  Generational sin stops here.  
I ran into a precious couple at a wedding a few weeks ago.  They had heard we were pregnant and asked if it was going to be a boy or a girl (I was wearing an empire waist bubble dress...NEVER AGAIN!) and I laughed and said I was not pregnant but quickly told them I had miscarried a few times.  They were so sweet and shared of their struggle to conceive their son who was 4 years younger than their first.  She shared that she really believed that delay for them was so they could pray through some generational sins and break free from them so they would not be passed down.  Great insight and something Bobby and I are praying through as well.

2.  A strengthened marriage.  
We are currently doing a Bible study called Growing Kids God's Way that has been incredible.  One of the things we have learned is how foundational and essential a strong marriage is to a child.  So much of their security and identity comes from seeing their Mom and Dad interact.  This is where they see love modeled.  They shared through this study that if there is a lot of conflict in the home, a child as young as 18 months will sense it and can act out to try to unify the parents.  They suggest having 5-15 minutes of couch time, to show your children that they come second to our marriage and to allow them to see quality time played out (we usually have that time after she is asleep thus never allowing her see us together as husband and wife rather than Mommy and Daddy).  They warn that the child will act out at first (she does) but it will eventually bring her great comfort to know that Mommy and Daddy are in love and are not going to go anywhere or rock her world.  
Bobby and I have sought help, as well as consistently prayed through conflict in our marriage.  We have had to learn and relearn how to communicate, how to resolve conflict, how to best love the other.  We are still FAR from perfect but have truly come so far from where we began.  One thing I now share with every newly engaged girl or newlywed that welcomes advice is if I had it to do all over again, I would work extra hard at esteeming my husband.  One thing we learned through counseling is men and women have many needs, but ultimately, men need to be affirmed and women need undivided, quality listening.  As a woman, we are guilty of putting off affirmation for numerous reasons.  Like thinking, "well, why should I thank him for working?  It is what he is supposed to be doing."  or "I am not going to say anything because it may lead to sex and I am way too tired."  or "I am not going to say anything because it is just going to give him a big head and begin to take and never give back."  
Bobby had become an expert at appearing like he needed nothing.  He was aloof during conflict as if it was not touching him AT ALL while I was a weeping mess.  I thought early on that he was a confident monster while I felt like a needy wreak.  But over time, I recognized his actions as coping mechanisms and that he was truly as insecure as I was.  If I had affirmed early on, the walls we are still trying to take down would have never been erected in the first place.  I now know that he will GO TO THE MOON AND BACK if I just affirm him.
And I would try to squash my expectations and as we vowed at our wedding, "accept him as God's perfect gift for me."  Expectations are founded in selfishness.  It is what we think we deserve and if they are not met, frustration almost always occurs.  I would try to expect little and love big.

3.  God is an abundant lover, no matter what I do.
I have ran.  I have wept.  I have despaired.  I have quit reading my Bible and prayed little.  I have spent a lifetime trying to perform in order to receive blessing.  I recently felt God clearly say to me, "come and rest."  And I began to experience His love in a new way.  Because before, I  was always the good girl, doing what was expected of a Christian.  I responded well.  I attempted to jump through the right hoops.  So when blessing came, somewhere deep, it felt expected.  And now His extravagant grace has been heaped upon my life and though my heart's desire has not been given, I know it is coming.  And I know this wait will be for not.  WHAT JOY!
My friend Whitney posted on her blog a while back this precious quote that has been a battle cry for me.  It has given me strength when I felt nothing.  Hope it blesses you where you are as it has blessed me.
"THERE IS NOTHING- no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until first of all it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with A GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not understand at the moment. But as I REFUSE to become panicky, I LIFT UP MY EYES TO HIM; AND ACCEPT IT as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart. No sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, and no circumstance will cause me to fret FOR I SHALL REST IN THE JOY OF WHAT MY LORD IS--That is the "rest of Victory."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


We are back!  We had such a great time and will post more about it on Abby Kate's blog.  Including pictures.  But last night, I came across this amazing statement on doubt.  It deeply touched me and so I thought I would share.
"If faith never encounters doubt, if truth never struggles with error, if good never battles with evil, how can faith know its own power?  In my own pilgrimage, if I have to choose between a faith that has stared doubt in the eye and made it blink, or a naive faith that has never known the firing line of doubt, I will choose the former every time."  -Gary Parker in The Gift of Doubt 

Monday, August 11, 2008


Hi dear ones.  I wanted to write one last post before we leave.  We are heading out (AK and I) for 12 days and Bobby will join us for most of it.  So just to let you know, it will be quiet on our blog fronts and my email.
I have wanted to write this post for a while.  One of my favorite things to ask other parents is the question, "what do you pray for your children?"  I have been humbled, encouraged and inspired by the answers I have received.  I almost always begin including their answers in my prayers for Abby Kate.  So here is the question, what do you consistently pray for your children?   
Here are my daily prayers for Abby Kate and our future children...
*that she will recognize Jesus as her Savior at a young age
* that she will be filled with the Spirit and bear fruit
* that she will be a woman of Christ-like character, a woman of compassion, a woman of contentment and a woman of conviction
* that she will have influence in the lives of others 
* that she will be surrounded by people who can encourage and inspire her and point her to Christ
* that she will live a life about knowing Him and making Him known
* that she will have a supernatural hunger for the Word and that she will hide it in her heart
* that she will be emotionally and physically pure until she marries and the same for her husband
* that she will seek first His Kingdom and righteousness and that everything else will be added to her
I cannot wait to hear yours and have new, insightful things to add to mine!  Love you each...

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Me! Me!

I just saw that I was tagged by Sadie to do this meme!
Here is how it works...
First, share 7 facts about yourself. Next, tag people at the end of your blog by leaving their name and a link to their blog. Last, let them know they’re tagged by leaving a link in their blog.
1.  I have broken my nose 3 times.
2.  I have had to be picked up at the police station by my Daddy.
3.  I truly believe Sonic makes a better Diet Coke than anywhere else
4.  I backpacked in Europe
5.  I have been stranded in the middle of no where without electricity for 6 days (in the freezing cold).
6.  I took English riding lessons 
7.  I hope to be a published author some day

So here are those I am tagging!

Home makeover completion pictures!

Old Living Room
New Kitchen
New Shade!
My favorite new chair Bobby got me for mothers day

New living room...not much has changed but the new curtains and ceiling color

Old Kitchen

FINALLY!  Remember that post SEVERAL months ago about our projects?  Well, they are FINALLY finished.  We ended up painting our living room too which had not been in the original plan and we ended up HATING it.  We painted it a cream to try to lighten it and make it feel more cottage-y.  However, it ended up feeling really yellow.  So months later, we repainted it back to hopsack (gasp!) and left the ceiling cream which I love.  We got new panels and I feel like it softened the room.  We decided on a green instead of blue for the kitchen and I love it too!  The shade over my sink is new as you can see and I adore it!  The material was only $12/yard!  
So all I have left it touching up the ceiling!  YEA!  I am so ready to not paint for YEARS.  But I am so glad it is finished and am so pleased!

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Its our Anniversary!

6 whole years.  6 years of daily deciding it was worth it.  6 years of fighting and making up.  6 years of learning to serve and compromise.  6 years of laughter and tears.  6 years of dreams and disappointments and discovery.  
I married a man my polar opposite.  He is country, I love the action of a city.  He is slow, I do everything quickly.  I love a good story, he will not exaggerate the smallest detail.  He loves boots, I love heels.  He loves an action packed vacation, I love a great book and the ocean.   
But the longer I am married to him, the more I realize...we are more alike than we think.  Or perhaps we love each other enough that we want the other's dreams for our own.  I now want to someday curl up on our front porch swing in the country, sharing a cup of hot coffee and praying for our grandchildren.  I want to be honest to the core, just like him.  I want to be touched easily, just like him.  
And most importantly, I am daily seeing why God chose him for me.  He is discerning and strong and wise.  He upholds me when I come apart.  He points me to the Savior when I get out of line.  He makes (and likes to make) me happy.  He works harder than anyone I know and loves to serve.  He can be tough but I feel privileged to be the one to see him with the walls down every day.  I love that he cannot pray without getting teary.  I love that He is a man of honor.  I love that he has integrity and will not try to explain away faults.  I love that he never holds a grudge.  I love that he never walks away when it is hard.  I love that he still pursues me.  
I am so deeply blessed.  Thank you, Father, for this man that you daily work on and his letting you.  Thank you for placing him beside me to serve beside.  I am better because of him.  But you knew that.  Thank you.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Another Favorite Things....

Well, through all heaviness that has been my life lately, I thought it was high time for another light-hearted post.  Now you all know these are my favorite kinds. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to shop and love finding new, inexpensive things that work well.  So here are a few and I will add more without the pictures since blogger limits me to 5 pictures.  
Picture #1.  Suave Firming Lotion.  Okay, so I hate to admit this, but I was seriously looking for the cheapest lotion.  I mean anything that would keep my legs from looking like Godzillas and I happened upon this little concoction.   And I am in love.  It smells wonderful, and I can actually tell a difference in my problem areas.  Not bad for summer.  Wal-Mart had rolled back the price on this too.  Try it.  It is great.
Picture #2.  The Simply Shabby Chic blanket.  Aghhh....So we moved Abby Kate to a big girl bed about a month ago and I did her bedding in the simply shabby chic line from Target.  I usually don't shop at Target but could not find inexpensive bedding that I liked.  I LOVE her bedding.  It is soft and feminine.  This blanket is HEAVENLY.  Seriously, the softest thing I have ever felt.  My girl and I have a thing for textures and she sighs every time she gets in bed and says, "oooh, fluffy."  It is fluffy indeed.  Hers is in a soft pink but it comes in white and cream.
Picture #3.  The Real Simple mop.  Another wonder.  It has a soft, furry top that pushes across tile like brushing butter on hot bread.  It is wonderful.  And an added bonus, the head comes off easily to toss in the washer for a clean start.  Use with Pine Sol and get blissed out by the smell of clean.  Ugh, is that weird?
Picture #4.  Oh my sweet goodness.  Wait until I tell you about these chips and the incredible salsa they put with them.  They are from a place called Julio's in San Angelo, Texas.  My cousin brought them to us when Grumpies died and they sent me to another place.  A place of sweet deliciousness where self-control was not needed and music played softly.  Oh. My. Goodness.  They have all these spices and the salsa has the perfect hint of spice and agh!!!  I want some!  Sadly, they are not sold here so if you live in Texas and see them in a grocery store, have some mercy and send them to me!  I will pay you!
Picture #5.  The 5 gallon canister.  I saw these at a friend's house and fell in love.  Even better, they carry them at Wal-Mart.  For like $5-$10.  They are so cute.  I got 6 of them.  I have 3 on my island with tea bags, sugar and flour and one by my sink with treats for Abby Kate.  I also have one in my laundry room and one in my pantry with whole wheat flour.  They are so cute and functional!
6.  Sonny Salt.  A new seasoning Heather and Roy introduced us to that I have used on everything since....Roy made us stuffed mushrooms grilled that were to die for.  I will ask him if I can share the secret recipe.  *Spoiler....It includes Sonny Salt!
7.  Charlie and Lola.  Have you all watched this show?  It is on Disney.  On Saturdays and Sundays.  My BFF Joce told me about this years ago when her daughter was little and now mine is smitten.  It is based on books about a boy named Charlie and his little sister Lola.  They are British.  And so cute.  They have Abby Kate speaking with an accent and saying things like, "Follow the path please!" and "Tidy, tidy, tidy!"  It is hilarious.  And I find myself looking forward to watching new episodes.  Not like the Backyardigans phase when I wanted to tear my ears off due to over-watching.
Okay, I am tired.  Enough for now.  I know I have 20 others and if I think of more, I will post!  But for now, try these!  And I would love to read about your favorite things.  If you are a blogger, you are one of my favorite things too and I will read yours!  So post away everyone....