Friday, December 29, 2006

Pleading for wisdom....

I pray each of your Christmases were so blessed. We really had a wonderful time with our families. We traveled a ton but loved seeing our family. That is what the holidays are about right?
I have been such a perplexed mother lately. I was lamenting to my mother this morning, wondering just how and where new parents get the confidence and wisdom as to how to react as our children grow. Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. We had a friend going to take Abby Kate's pictures in her 1 year dress and I awoke confident that I must find her a cute outfit to wear in a few pictures with Bobby and I. I threw her in the car after her 11 bottle (yes she is still taking a bottle...that is another issue entirely) and took off for the children's stores. We went into the 3rd one and AK began chewing on my wallet. I simply took it out of her hands and what transpired was nothing sort of a nightmare Supernanny episode. She threw her head back, starting screaming and kicking. I started at my demon child in horror and a bit of shock. Let me just stop here and say, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I started frantically scanning my knowledge base from my myriad of Child Development classes (my undergrad major) and could not for the life of me come up with the correct consequence. Swatting? firm voice alone? What? So I tried them all. She continued to scream, I made a hasty purchase that is now added to my growing pile of returns and exited the store, profusely apologizing. I put her in her carseat and she arched her back, screaming. At this point, I just felt clueless. I said again, NO Ma'am Abby Kate, we DO NOT act like that..." and she looked at my screaming. So I just let her scream the whole way home. I am just tired thinking about it. What little I do remember from my classes, this is the age she starts testing her boundaries. She hungers for consistency, someone to love her enough to say "NO, that is too far." But for this compulsive people pleaser, I am ashamed to admit that small but often loud voice in my head argued with me saying, "don't go too far...she may not love you, may not like you, may want everyone but you." Gosh this has been the voice of my sin nature for so long. I am praying about this...
So anyway, staying home is so hard. It is tiny issues of control like this ALL DAY LONG. I remind myself to pick my battles, but I also want to raise a responsible, considerate child that does not throw fits of any kind when things just don't go her way. All this to say, please pray for me right now. I am amazed at parents that have gone before me...props to you! I am being summoned so more later but just wanted to throw that out into cyberspace.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Love never fails...

Man, I have been learning a lot lately. For those of you that are stay at home Mommas, you know how desperate one can become for fellowship. About a month ago, I realized that I had taken a lot on my plate and was doing nothing with excellence. I was not parenting with my heart (as you saw from a previous post), not loving and serving my husband with passion, and definitely not growing. I realized that I desperately missed time with other women...sharing our hearts and learning. I joined a Bible Study that has been incredible. All young women, mostly mothers that stay at home with young children, and ALL authentic. I have been a part of so many Bible Studies where the women were too afraid to bare their hearts...too afraid to let down the facade of perfection. I do not know why in our modern culture that Christian women feel this need to be put together. All it ends up doing is causing the other women that want to be real to keep their mouths shut and begin questioning why their life seems so messy. I hate that. This group is so refreshing...so fun. We are reading a book called The Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker and I have loved it. She is witty, transparent and real...all things that appeal to my heart and mind. It is a great tool to learn how to study the Bible...something I am ashamed to say, I have never been too good at...I simply have taken what others fed me about Truth and then claimed it as my own. No more...
This past week, I read 1 Corinthians 13, the famous chapter on love. I have read it on my own at least hundreds of times but as always, something new jumped out. Marriage can be so hard. I realize more often that not, I am acting out all the "do nots" from 1 Corinthians 13 rather than all the "love is." But I just felt amazed at the verse, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things....love never fails!" How different than the kind of love the world presents. No wonder our marriages are in trouble. This kind of love bears one anothers faults, harsh words and failures, believes one anothers hearts, in the others gifting, endures through the afflictions of living in a fallen world and NEVER fails. I cannot tell you how many times in my marriage that I felt, this is never going to get better. This sin is going to cling to us until we die and there will never be freedom. I can see easily how so many people say, 'this is too hard. I am ending this....' or say 'I deserve to be happy. I am not living the rest of my life miserable.' And then simply dissolve of their marriage. But I am so thankful that hope endures and God promises to complete us! And I am thankful, above all, that His love for me never fails.