Wednesday, September 24, 2008


I have been deeply thinking a lot lately.  So much so that my output of words has decreased dramatically and my thoughts often seem frantic, scanning across the back of my eyes at a dizzying rate.  I cannot turn my brain down.   I lay in bed, waking several times a night, unable to stop the barrage of thoughts clamoring for my attention.  I am weary, tired, hormone laden and desperately battling my will to keep moving forward.  One of my favorite lines in a song refers to the Israelites exodus from slavery.  It beautifully states and perfectly sums up where I am standing, 

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked, but the future feels so hard and I want to go back.  But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned, and those roads were closed off to me when my back was turned."  -Sara Groves

I was sweeping one day last week, thinking about the simplicity of the task, the feeling of completion and satisfaction upon its completion.  Realizing how lazy I have become.   

I sound depressed don't I?  I really am not.  I am just continuing to let go of all I have juggled.  I am wiggling around in my new world of freedom.  Realizing my worth to Christ has nothing to do with my performance.  It is rocking.  The stillness, the silence is startling.  All the balls I have attempted to keep in the air are falling hard around me.  Oh the strangeness.  I desperately want to pick them back up.  I want to keep trying.

But the beauty of it all is that as the packaged, carefully crafted self is being crucified, I am seeing myself for the first time.  A daughter created from fear and wonder.  I feel like a colt, testing my legs for the first time.  I still am clumsy, and strange.  Unsure of this new me.  The insecurities, the expectation, the fear BE QUIET!  I want to walk soundly with His hand in mine.  I want to quiet the voices that still scream "GET BACK IN THE GAME!  YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL!  THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BE PLEASED WITH YOU!  YOU ARE GOING TO FORFEIT BLESSING IF YOU QUIT! "  While the Holy Spirit quietly whispers "Hush.  We love you just the way you are.  Quit trying.  We have never been more pleased.  Rest.  Let us minister to your hurting heart.  Quit denying its existence.  Yes, we have a plan.  I promise.  This pain will not be wasted.  Your faith is being refined.  The process is hard.  But the gold is coming forth and the dross is dripping away. "  

This fragility is so hard.  Our pastor spoke of femininity a few weeks ago and spoke of who God intended when he made woman.  A completer.  That is pretty powerful but when femininity is challenged, we go one of two ways.  We either harden and attempt to control everything, pushing away intimacy.  Or we become needy.  Both are not in God's design for us.  It is so hard to be open to love.  Completely free.  

But....whisper...I have a secret....I just heard it truly for the first time...I have realized that there is only One trustworthy.  Our problems arise when we put others on the throne of adoration in our hearts.  When we give others expectations that only a perfect God could meet.  When as a woman...our worth, our identity is seen through His eyes, the glory He intended when He created woman is beautifully shining.  You can't help but feel beautiful, and cherished and loved.  And the fragility that was so evident before becomes non existent because the only One you are trusting with your heart is TRUSTWORTHY.  I will say it again, He is trustworthy.  All sufficient.  Always with us.  

Ahhhh, the beauty of resting.  The thrill of letting go.  Try it.  I dare you.


Jeremy and Melanie said...

I love you, dear friend. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Ashley said...

I love your posts...thanks for posting.