Friday, May 18, 2007

"Delight comes by the way of scars..."

The quote in the title of this post is by one of my favorite authors, Sue Monk Kidd. It has always seemed darkly poignant to me. It is written on my chalkboard beside my list of prayer requests. It serves as a gentle reminder that God never promised my life would be easy, but He did promise to work things together for my good....and He promised I would never walk alone.
Oh how homesick I am for Heaven right now. For those of you that do not know, Bobby and I suffered a miscarriage this week. As I have written to many of you, it has been harder than I thought. Painful, sad, lingering....however, God is sweetly supplying His famous peace. And I am swimming in it. Many will argue when life truly begins....this is not a post to argue that. But believing life begins at conception, I have been able to picture our sweet baby sheltered in the shadow of His wings...being gently rocked and lovingly held. My heart nearly burst at the thought of meeting my Jesus face to face. I cannot wait. And I now anxiously await meeting this sweet child someday. Perfect and whole and well. Unscathed by the sins of this world. Though I do not understand God's ways, I rest knowing my pain is never wasted. I know He is already working it together for my good. I am seeing His love in action, yet once again.
I know many ask the question of why bad things happen. We walk around in grief, fumbling as if in darkness and often cry "WHY?" I asked B today if he ever felt like he was playing games with God. Like not praying for specific things like increased wisdom, depth of insight, faith, etc...for fear of what He might do to get us there. I do. However, I know His character. I know that is not like Him. He LOVES me. And I will say, though my life has been SO blessed, there have been hard things. And it has been those hard things that have taught me of who He really is. Not who the world says He is, not even who believers say He is, but who He knows Himself to be.
I was looking back in my journal at another hard thing I was forced to walk through years ago...and God led me to a verse, it states...
"Thou hast showed Thy people hard things: Thou hast made us drink the wine of astonishment." Psalm 60:3
I get it now. Each time I walk through the fire, though I ache with the burns, I am always astonished at the state of my heart. Comfort, peace and overwhelming faith. HE supplies.
"The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21-22


Erin Cohen said...

Love you, Steph! My thoughts are with you, Bobby and Abby Kate right now!


HarrimanFamily said...

I heard a speaker say once that as people of faith, when we grieve, we grieve with hope, and that's so where we are, don't ya think? We're so sad about losing the babies, and it's a very real and deep hurt, but there's also this tiny light that continues to remind us that they are ok and are in a perfect place waiting for us. I'm so thankful to share in this journey with you. Love you and continue to pray for you, sweet Steph.