With Abby Kate, I was a mess of tangled nerves and low confidence. I was up several times a night checking to see if she was breathing. I was trying to follow the rules, yet pushing down my strong instinct. I spent hours questioning and trying to figure out why she woke early from a nap or why she woke an extra time one night. I constantly second guessed myself and despaired that I would never sleep again. I had little milk and constantly wondered if she was hungry. I felt trapped by having to nurse so often. So weighty, so hard. I slowly began to admit to others as time passed that I did not enjoy the newborn stage. I would dread what was to come as night fell.
Perspective entered and now...
I lost three babies and I am holding the one we prayed for....longed for. I am up several times a night getting to nurse a baby that is gaining weight like a champ and my milk often squirts him in the face, there is such an abundance. I get to sit for a least 30 minutes at a time, guilt free, every three hours to stare at my son or read a good book if he snoozes. If he wakes early, we are too busy with life for me to guess why. I just get him up and incorporate him into our day. This time, I know this stage passes quickly. I love to snuggle him. I would love to rock him all day. I love putting him in the sling and having his heart beat against mine and smelling his sweet baby smell and having him fall asleep against me.
Now don't get me wrong. This is the first week things have felt manageable. Somewhat normal. A new normal. I still grieve that I cannot meet both of their needs right when the need them met. I hate that I have to choose. But I continue to pray each night that God would redeem any mistake I maden during that day. And I know seeing another put first will develop character and that their turn will come next. And it reminds me that I am not in control and I cannot do all things, be all things to all people. I have been reminded more these past 5 weeks that God is all sufficient. He supplies exactly what I need, all day. He gives me strength and multiplies what little sleep I get. He gives me wisdom and humor and perspective. Yes, that word again. Our pastor spoke on Sunday of God's faithfulness and how when our current circumstances seem hard, to look back and remember. He is so faithful. The sign my mother in law gave us upon learning we were pregnant says, "For this child, we have prayed." It hangs over Bo's door and often, as I am nursing, I will look at that sign and then look down in wonder at God's answer. And I remember.