Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Perspective...

I was struck today, by the complete alternate reality perspective brings.  I have been the mother of two for five weeks.  So many things have changed in such a short time.  My heart grew again, enough to encompass the love that only your child can evoke within you.  And so many things are the same, yet so very different this time around.  So many said that it would be easier, and in so many ways, it has.  That is perspective for you.
With Abby Kate, I was a mess of tangled nerves and low confidence.  I was up several times a night checking to see if she was breathing.  I was trying to follow the rules, yet pushing down my strong instinct.  I spent hours questioning and trying to figure out why she woke early from a nap or why she woke an extra time one night.  I constantly second guessed myself and despaired that I would never sleep again.  I had little milk and constantly wondered if she was hungry.  I felt trapped by having to nurse so often.  So weighty, so hard.  I slowly began to admit to others as time passed that I did not enjoy the newborn stage.  I would dread what was to come as night fell.  
Perspective entered and now...
I lost three babies and I am holding the one we prayed for....longed for.  I am up several times a night getting to nurse a baby that is gaining weight like a champ and my milk often squirts him in the face, there is such an abundance.  I get to sit for a least 30 minutes at a time, guilt free, every three hours to stare at my son or read a good book if he snoozes.  If he wakes early, we are too busy with life for me to guess why.  I just get him up and incorporate him into our day.  This time, I know this stage passes quickly.  I love to snuggle him.  I would love to rock him all day.  I love putting him in the sling and having his heart beat against mine and smelling his sweet baby smell and having him fall asleep against me.  
Now don't get me wrong.  This is the first week things have felt manageable.  Somewhat normal. A new normal.  I still grieve that I cannot meet both of their needs right when the need them met.  I hate that I have to choose.  But I continue to pray each night that God would redeem any mistake I maden during that day.  And I know seeing another put first will develop character and that their turn will come next.  And it reminds me that I am not in control and I cannot do all things, be all things to all people.  I have been reminded more these past 5 weeks that God is all sufficient.  He supplies exactly what I need, all day.  He gives me strength and multiplies what little sleep I get.   He gives me wisdom and humor and perspective.  Yes, that word again.  Our pastor spoke on Sunday of God's faithfulness and how when our current circumstances seem hard, to look back and remember.  He is so faithful.  The sign my mother in law gave us upon learning we were pregnant says, "For this child, we have prayed."  It hangs over Bo's door and often, as I am nursing, I will look at that sign and then look down in wonder at God's answer.  And I remember.  

8 comments:

'The H Family' said...

amen! amen! and amen! i soo feel ya on this one....feels like i could have written the post myself!! :) you're doing great, and such a wonderful mom!! these precious children truly are such a blessing!! love you girl!

Ashley said...

Steph-thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! God has defnitely gifted you with the ability to beautifully express yourself and speak to so many. I needed those words today! You are such a wonderful mommy!

Chassidy said...

What a beautiful heart felt post! I can't wait to see new pics of your bundle of joy!

Jason & Kizzy said...

Steph-
How well you put your thoughts into words! I could not agree more... Hope to see you soon! By the way, I saw your pictures on your photographer's website... So beautiful!
Kizzy

Sarah said...

So good to read this as I nurse a snoozing boy that hasn't let me put him down today. :)

Anonymous said...

Steph,
I am so gladd to hear that you are enjoying all the many trials of having babies and that you have stopped pushing down your instincts and gone with them!! Remember who is in charge of your instincts...You can't go wrong!! Love you tons and cannot wait to meet Bo!
Heather W

idtwinmom06 said...

What a sweet post. It brought me right back to the newborn phase and reminded me that only God could have provided that strength. Enjoy every second!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Speechless at this beautiful post. I get it. I totally get it. Hopefully, I will "get it" even more soon.

Love you!

Erin