4-5 week gestational sac (taken at our first appointment. Cannot believe how much the sac has grown in one week!)
Oh this precious one. I cannot tell you what he/she (Abby Kate insists it is a boy baby) is doing to my heart. To see the heart pumping at the last ultrasound did more for me than I can put in words. I know we are not promised an easy life. Nor, though statistics show miscarriages drastically decrease after seeing the heartbeat, am I promised a healthy pregnancy. However, I just felt a sweet assurance. A peace and unbridled joy that encompassed me.
One of the things that has been nagging me greatly was the lack of closure. After such a dark season, I expected to have the lessons God wanted me to learn tied neatly with a bow that I could insert cleanly into my testimony and then move steadily along. I finally was able to pray through what was bothering me most and after getting it into the open, I have examined it from many angles, through prayer, time in the Word, and sweet conversation with my husband. I realized that I still have questions about prayer. I know there are so many schools of thought...so many different teachings regarding prayer. My biggest question has been "does prayer really hold power?" I have always believed it does. I believe that the prayers of a righteous man availeth much, because that is what God tells me. However, what happens when your prayer and God's will does not match? Who wins? Um, I think we know the answer. However, so many teach that if you have large faith, believing God is going to answer it, that your heart's desires will be realized. However, I struggle with this line of reasoning for the simple lesson God has taught me over and over....it is not about me. And if there is something I can do to get God to do my will, then wouldn't my life be mine again rather than His? So many speak of God giving us the desires of our heart, but forget the command following that promise, which is delight yourself in Him. And when we delight ourselves in Him, our desires become His desires.
And on to the heart of the matter....do I really trust God? Really. Do I trust Him? And though with my lips and head, I can give you every single right answer, I felt myself moving into a season of ease again and realizing how much I do not want taken away...and I realized I still was thinking, "I do not trust You to take it away." As I was communicating this to Bobby, his eyes pooled with tears and he gave his heart's contents on the subject, pouring out his unbridled trust of this God I adored but wasn't so sure I trusted. I told Bobby I felt a bit like a relationship in which one had hurt you and you moved away out of protection, creating a wall in some form or another, either hindering intimacy in the said relationship or not allowing other relationships to form out of fear. And then Bobby said something profound. He reminded me that Abby Kate does not move away from us when we do not give her everything she wants. We see the big picture. We know the whys of why she cannot eat cupcakes every meal or wear her bathing suit in the snow or go for a walk by herself. And then he reminded me to apply that knowledge and love infinity fold and that is the way God loves us. He knows all. He sees all. He sees the big picture. He loves me more than I could ever grasp. If He is not trustworthy, than not one is. And as Bobby has always said to me, "if we knew what God knew, we would do the exact same thing." And so simply, trusting God is not trusting He will not allow pain. It is trusting in spite of the pain, He knows. He is not a cruel God seeking to hurt me. He supplies what I need in the midst of the hurt and as I have always said, will never waste my pain. So now for the application. Is my heart going to follow what my head and tongue already knows? Am I going to fear what could happen to this precious life growing inside me or am I going to trust? God, I choose trust.