Saturday, July 14, 2007


It is the birthright of all the fortunate born into our country. It comes through truth, knowing God's love and grace and forgiveness. It is an adjective attached to my name as a believer yet has proven to be elusive. But the word FREE has elicited a clear picture in my head. That of my standing on the edge of a cliff with a breathtaking vista set before me, and then a fall, so exhilarating, not because of the fear but of the knowledge that I was to be caught. By hands that knew the fall was worth it.
I am finally free.
Free in a marriage that has been mediocre at best. Freed by truth divinely communicated through many avenues but most clearly communicated here. Freed by TRUTH.
Free in my skin that has, for so long, been a slave to pleasing others. I cannot tell you how exhausting it has been....concern of perceptions and then the energy to manipulate that perception. Perhaps this compulsion is why I love massages so much. It will leave you in knots.
Free from the fear. Oh the fear. Fear that everything I was doing was wrong. Fear that those who loved me would soon discover the fraud I was and then stop. Fear that motherhood was the end of the road in terms of what my life had to offer the world. And then guilt. Oh the guilt. Guilt for not keeping the house clean. Guilt that when I was, I was not spending time with Abby Kate. Guilt that everything I was doing to raise her was wrong.
And the complacency. Yuck. In the words of a beloved literary character, "But who am I? Just another woman in Christendom who's trying to figure out why she feels so defeated all the time and is coming up with a long list of problems but a short list of answers.
Is it the church? Is it me? Is it Jesus?"
I feel so much of my life has led me to this discovery. The discovery of my idolatry of control. The discovery that though freedom is mine to be so many more ways that one, I had left it sitting on the table....and had chosen this cage instead.
Thus leading me to the posted song. The first time I heard it, I was on my way home from the doctor during my miscarriage. I was SO far from freedom, yet huge, hot tears streamed down my face in longing. Really? Is there really no chain strong enough, no shadow dark enough, no mountain high enough, that HE can't climb? I am standing to attest. NO. In HIM there is freedom. This song has chased me. It plays every time I am still. The words bring forth tears every time. And now, they are tears of praise.
I remember Beth Moore saying once, that every morning she sits down to spend her time with the Lord, she throws back her head and says, "THRILL ME!" I remember hearing her say that and so wanting what she had. To know this God I served so well, that our relationship was thrilling. I can say, the thrill of freedom surpasses all.
And here I stand, in my own personal Hanukkah. For all my baptist sisters, rededication. The Hebrew word for dedication is Hanukkah. In other words, it is a reestablishment of worship. I am in awe of my Father, who has had it right all along. I have traded riches for rags and I for one am ready to trade. I am no longer a slave but am FREE. Free indeed.


Carrie said...

I love your honesty. You put something into words that I felt in the begining of motherhood. "Fear that motherhood will put a stop on what I have to offer to life". I think that is a fear to many. But then we see what we are doing and what that has to offer to life. Motherhood is the most important thing right now and sadly won't take up all our time someday. YOur a great mom and guilt just comes with the territory. I'm glad you have been reading Heather's blog.

shawnda said...

What an awesome insight. I love reading your inspiring words. I have too often felt the exact same way stuck in mediocricy and fallen short of so many expectations, mainly my own. I have truely been soul searching the past few days and during my morning walk praying for Freedom in evey aspect of my life and a renewed love and zeal for Christ. I think it is so amazing how God speaks to us through trials, tribulations and through music. I'll never forget when I miscarried and I was suppose to sing in church, I chose "Gratitude" and right in the middle of the singing and in front of the whole congregation I broke down in tears and felt the sweet peace and freedom of the Holy Spirit moving in my life. Thank you again for being so transparent and letting God use you to speak to others.