Breathe holy on this rust...

The House!

2011-12-12T14:09:00.000-08:00

So many of you have asked to see pics which is so so sweet! So here is a little tour of our new home! So wish I could have each of you here for some hot chocolate and cookies and get to catch up so please consider this an invitation. We are loving it here so so much. The view out back is breathtaking and we daily watch the beautiful wildlife come to our pond....deer, coyotes, ducks, geese, horses and even a blue heron! It is amazing. Our porches truly are my favorite part. So when the weather turns warmer and the days get a bit longer, drop by anytime and come rock with us!
So here we go....
Kitchen...

I so desired to find a fun, antique door for my pantry but decided to make one work for a while until I could find one...made it a little more fun with chalkboard paint!

One of my favorites...built-in armoires with chicken wire...all of the upper small cabs will get chicken wire as well as soon as my hubby can get to it!

Eating area....

Living Room...LOVE our tongue and groove walls. This ended up working because we did it directly to the framing and did not sheetrock this area. My sweet hubby and his buddy did this in one, LONG, HOT 12 hour day!

Entry way...

Master bath....

LOVE our tile but was sad they sent white grout...wanted dark grey/black and I think I forgot the mention that to them. Oops! Oh well....it is getting dirtier by the day and will be there in no time!

Love the way this finish turned out!

Another view of living area....

School area...

Kids bath...did not LOVE this color once it was finished. Hope to wallpaper it with rustic, barnwood wallpaper sometime soon!

View of pond from my desk area

Brooks room...still have a few things to hang on the wall. Vintage pennants and a huge vintage poster of the St. Louis Cardinals in their dugout while playing the Cubs.

Guest bath...

Front porch...can't wait to fill this with rocking chairs and a swing!

My desk area...LOVE that is right off the kitchen so our kids will not ever be on the computer without what they are looking at being in full view!

So there it is! There is still SO much I want to do but have settled in for now. I didn't include pics of Abby Kate's room because it is still not finished and Bo was asleep so I couldn't take pics! And our bedroom is still a mess and the one I hope to replace furniture with very first. Everything in there matches and I can't wait to toss the matchy look and replace it with fun, vintage furniture and a great, old quilt! We built this house in complete "our style" that has evolved over the years. We are getting rid of literally half our things and have repurosed/painted a ton of the remaining things and have agreed to just wait until we sell the rest to add new pieces. Our philosophy is to fill our home with old things we adore and to NEVER go into debt. This house is new but we so wanted it to feel old. We both love antiques and are anxious to replace so much of our "new" pieces with antique (or better yet, junktiques!) some day. Love old, chippy things so much! Thanks for joining me on the tour! Please come visit soon!

Wow...

2011-07-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

March? REALLY? I cannot believe it has been that long since I updated. Time has flown! So much yet so little to update. Mundane days yet packed with sweet lessons and memories.
So first up, yep, I am going to have a baby super soon. I have been dilated to a 3 and 50% effaced for 3 weeks. This is the story of my pregnancies. A LOT of quick action and then an even more heaping portion of wait. Which I am NOT good at...With this one though, it has flown and I have felt so unorganized and unready. I had a list of "to dos" 5 miles long and as of this past Saturday, my biggest item was checked off (celebrating my precious son's 2nd birthday which is actually Thursday but in case new brother arrived, I wanted him to have his shining moment) and I felt more ready. As of Monday, I returned to the doc with little progress so now I am REALLY ready. I am also feeling a little on edge because I start back teaching my 2 classes at our community college on the 17th and I REALLY want a little time between birth and starting that again. My syllabi are ready so I have nothing really to do, just don't want to have a baby and then go to standing in front of a class in a weeks time. And I CANNOT WAIT to have everything out of storage. You take a true blue nester, throw in a new baby, 95% of everything she owns in storage 1.5 hours away, a new house that is taking a dear forever and having been living with her poor parents for a year now and you can see a smidge of stress. And impatience. And irritation at silly little things. So you also see one throwing herself daily on the mercies of her Savior!
As for the house, we figured it the other night and granting everything goes perfectly (it never does) we have 10 weeks until we finish. We are finishing sheet rock on Thursday and the wood floors start going in on Friday. We will do tile next week and then start trim which includes cabinets and countertops. Then paint. Then heat/air, electrician, plumber coming back to install fixtures. Finally, wood floor guys back to finish, stain and seal and carpet installed and voila! Finished! We are finally to the fun part! Thank the Lord I had my mind about me when I found out about this pregnancy and got everything picked out early. I have NO stinking clue how I would do all that running around with a 5 year old, 2 year old and a newborn. Gosh. Thankful. We are just giddy excited about the house. I cannot wait for ya'll to see it. I was telling my sweet Daddy the other night, who is out there EVERY night working on the land, that it is so surreal. We were given SUCH a precious opportunity to build our dream house at such a young age and have picked everything with the thought, God willing, that we will be rocking on that same front porch when we are rocking grandbabies. The view from our back porch is breathtaking. But it is so amazing to have picked everything. I look at the windows, which I knew diddly squat about before this and just LOVE them. Everything I have picked I have tried to reflect traditional farmhouse. I want it to feel like it has been there forever. And I want everything to be as classic as I could find so updating will be minimal over the years. I just cannot imagine the first night in that house. I know I will feel like I am dreaming and on vacation for a loooonnnggg time. It really takes seasons like these to evoke such deep gratitude for such daily mundane things.
Did I mention I am homeschooling Abby Kate this year for Kindergarten. No? Oh yeah. Another biggie. We aren't starting until September 1st but we are SO SO excited. I need to do a whole post on that and will sometime.
So here's to a busy end of summer and fall. Oh fall! How I am longing for you! This 100 degree weather while carrying extra weight is for the birds. :) Hope you are each doing so well!

In, well....forever

2011-03-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

So many of you have been so dear to call or email, asking how we have been. I literally feel like I have fallen completely off the blog bandwagon...for numerous reasons...the biggest being that Abby Kate no longer takes a nap nor has she been having quiet time while we have lived here so I have very, very little time to myself. Night falls and I try to prop my eyelids open to spend a tiny bit of quality time with my hubby before I fall asleep promptly at 9. So, I will attempt to remember the vast happening in the lives of our little fam and share a bit, which will probably be the last time for weeks...or months. I feel the worst about neglecting the kids blog. Seeing as I don't scrapbook and have not been journaling faithfully, I have very little to show them by means of pictures and words. I have always heard you take thousands of pictures of your first, a hundred of your second and 3 or so of your third. I NEVER, and I mean NEVER thought I would be that Mom. However, you never know what awaits you in the next stage of motherhood. And in my case, I could not fathom not having a bit of quiet time every day during nap/quiet time for the kiddos. But it is upon me. So, my blogging has suffered.
So to cover such a vast array of subjects, I will just jump in...
The house....oh the house. I never thought weather would become an obsession. And I never thought a forecast of rain could cause depression. I absolutely LOVE spring in our fair state. I LOVE storms. I have always anxiously awaited March and April and loved the days it would thunder and lightening outside while we were cozy inside. However, this spring has been ruined, I mean RUINED for me. Each small amount of rain has set us back weeks. We closed on our construction loan in January and it is the end of March and we STILL have no foundation. We do have our footing poured which was huge and we got our road (our house is 700 yds of the main road) finished so the weather delays should be minimal from here on out. My biggest anxiety was not finishing before Brooks was born. But we have longed since passed that desire and now I just wonder how in the world I will find all our baby gear. We have three storage units in our old town and a garage full of boxes here at my parents and I have no clue, NONE, as to how in the world I will find all I need for him. I just feel overwhelmed at moving with a newborn. And adding to what my parents (and we for that matter) thought would only be a month and is now going on 9. It is just a mess and I am praying with all I am the rest of the process will move at lighting speed.
Pregnancy...has flown. Truly. I am 21 weeks pregnant and really am feeling great. My body feels it more this time. More pressure, more weight, just all of it. But it has gone SO SO fast. Our ultrasound last week showed him already weighing 1 lb 10 oz and he is measuring almost a full 2 weeks ahead. I am really thankful for this though. I had really been nervous that we would have one hoss of a boy and one skinny man. But looks like we might have two linebackers (however I would prefer two centers or two pitchers)! With them being so close in age, I know God will make them uniquely perfect but I did not want there to be any obvious wedge Satan could use between them. His original due date was August 10th but the ultrasound said July 31st. I say, let him stay in as long as he can. At least that is what I say right now. I always am losing it at the end of my pregnancies!
I am loving teaching. For those of you that don't know, I am teaching two classes at our junior college here. I truly have loved it. I have great students and it has been really fun using my brain in this way again! They are when Bobby is off so it is also great one on one time for the kids to have with their Daddy and he loves it too!
Speaking of Daddy, we finally have him home. The 4 month absence was SO SO hard and I am just beyond thankful to have my partner home. We knew his training was so necessary, it was just hard. The kids are delighted and I am amazed at their relationship with him. He is SO SO proactive with them and SUCH a great, loving disciplinarian. I am so, so thankful for him. He adores his job as well. This alone has SO changed our quality of life. It is just a PERFECT fit for him and uses his gifts to the core. I love seeing him putting on his gear for work, knowing he is so energized by what he does. I pray so hard for him and know God uses him mightily. Now his shift has changed (2pm-2am) I get a bit more nervous but it just sends me to my knees more often which is so, so good.
There are a few other BIG things for us right now but we are still praying through them. But I will be excited to share them with you in the future! Right now, we just would love your prayers!
SO, so pray all is well with each of you and your sweet families. May God be blessing you more than you could ask or imagine!

What's in a name....

2011-03-02T11:32:00.001-08:00

One thing I had secretly dreaded about having another boy was to come up with a name that Bobby and I BOTH loved. We already decided on a girls name YEARS ago that we both still adore, so that part seemed easy if that was what God chose to give us. When I heard boy, my mind immediately spun to his name and hasn't quit spinning until we finally decided this past weekend as we had some time together away. We decided on Brooks Haylor Qualls for our son. We both adore it. One of the things we love most about it is that it gives all THREE men in our family the same BHQ initials. I really believe that will be so special to them some day. Bobby has many engraved things that will be fun to pass on to BOTH sons and not just the one that bears his name. And of course, one of the sweetest things to me is that it gives this son the namesake of my precious Grumpies (Haylor) who you all know I adored. And Brooks will share the middle name Haylor with my precious brother and nephew. I just LOVE family names and names that bear meaning. So, we are SUPER excited for Brooks to make his arrival and to be able to pray for him, BY NAME. Now if we could just get this house built in time....

It has begun! (For real this time...)

2011-02-04T08:10:00.000-08:00

So here we are, 3 months after my last post and we are FINALLY getting started on our house. Holy moly what a process. I knew everyone said it was a LOOOONNNG process but I had NO IDEA! I am a get it done yesterday person so this process has been painfully refining. My patience has had to mature quickly. But I have continued to praise God for the opportunity to build...and for the opportunity to get my ducks in a row so as building progresses, there will be NOTHING on my end that holds the process up. We really are giddy excited and I never in a million years thought I would get teary at the sight of dirt being moved. But I did. I so did! When we went out to look at the pad that night, we saw the most beautiful sunset and was reminded of the simplicity of true beauty! Now of course, this ridiculous snow has yet again stalled our progress so we are praying for 50 degree temps so we can pour our slab and get going! Our goal (well MY goal) is to be in by June so I have a month to get good and settled by the time number 3 arrives! My nesting instinct will be in overdrive and it will be SO magnified seeing as I will not have nested in a year! SO SO ready!
So heres to many more, and in lighting-quick time, pictures to post to update you! Thanks so much for your sweet comments and emails! Can't wait to show you it all finished!

It has begun....

2010-10-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to offer you a little peak at our soon-to-be homestead. We are so excited to FINALLY be getting started. It feels like it has been an eternal process, but when I finally had the blueprints in hand yesterday, I jumped for joy! It has been SO SO neat and fun to work with a precious friend (who was also a K-Life kid when we were on staff) who is now an architect and drew all our plans from scratch. To see our dreams on paper yesterday was truly such a special experience! We are hoping to close on the land this week (there have been SO many crazy roadblocks through this experience I cannot even tell you!) and we are meeting to get bids tomorrow. So this may be starting super soon! We did find out Bobby has to start CLEET training MONDAY rather than March as we had planned so that is throwing a few kinks in everything. He will be gone 16 weeks and home on the weekends so it is going to make the start of the building process a bit tricky with our contractor 2.5 hours away!!! But he has a few ideas up his sleeve so I know he will take care of it!

Now for a few pictures...

The tree tunnel right before turning into our drive...

Our gate...

Pulling into the land...(do you see the trees in the back? Our house will go right in front of those)

Abby Kate wanted to show you the trees up close, with her too of course!

Where our house will sit.

Daddy "trying" to drive. The kids LOVE being out on the land because it is the only time they get to ride in the car without car seats.

Behind our home, and road leading to back pasture.

Our backyard...the pond is HUGE. It wraps around the trees on the left.

One of our inspiration exteriors.

Using these materials. White siding, black wood shutters and exterior lanterns

LOVE the idea of galvanized buckets for kids bath sinks

Another desire. LOVE the industrial sink for kids bath!

THE inspiration. We will do this roof and ours has a deep porch, 4 dormers, ceiling fans on the porch and the white and black color scheme.

So that is a little bit of the inspiration. Hope to have a very farmhouse, cottage feel. My favorite features include a huge kitchen with a keeping room off the kitchen that will serve as both the nook and formal dining. We hope to find a great, long farm table with reclaimed barwood and there is also a fireplace in that area. I SO hope that is a feature that doesn't get cut when we get our bids back! I have ALWAYS wanted a fireplace roaring next to the dinner table. And there is a screened porch off our master bedroom, another feature I LOVE! Liz, our architect, had to work super hard to get this to work, flipping the master bed and bath and restructuring the roof line so that we would have it directly off the master bedroom. We went to Branson a few weekends ago and the condo we stayed in had a screened in porch and literally, my kiddos spent every second out there! Bo would be outside every minute if I would let him so it will be SO SO nice once he drops his morning nap to trap him in our bedroom and let him play outside to his hearts content without any danger while I grab a quick shower. Isn't that the beauty of a home? Making it a place of safety, comfort, joy and fun? A place God can use for HIS glory and to build character in His children? I just cannot wait to use this house, not only for our family but open it for others. I think we takes our homes for granted so often. I have LOVED being with my parents in their home. It has been comfortable, fun, easy and relaxing. My Mom is very gifted at making everyone feel waited on in her home. But I so miss having my own nest. I had said in a previous post that it would be hard for me and it has. But that said, I am SO SO thankful we have had this season. So thankful God slowed down the building process, knowing my sweet husband was going to be away for 4 months and that I would have been in the middle of the country with 2 kiddos alone. And a cops wife. So now we get to be here with Mom and Dad to love on us and help ease the load while Bobby is gone. And prayerfully, this house will be finished soon after Bobby finishes CLEET. Just a GREAT reminder of God's faithfulness and that His timing is ALWAYS perfect!

Sharpening...

2010-09-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

I have just come to terms with the fact this blog is going to be piece-y at best. It is a great place to have an outlet and I love randomly having the time and a lesson to share here. Needless to say, these past months have packed more lessons for me than several years combined and so many of them have had time to permeate my heart and mind.
So to update you all a little....
The last post left you with us waiting on direction for our family, specifically Bobby a job. Fast forward to Bobby applying for a patrolman position here in my small hometown, agility testing (and scoring super high), interviewing and being offered the position. In that 48 hours, Bobby prayed as did Gideon in the Old Testament, laying out a fleece, asking if this wasn't where God had us, for Him to PLEASE not let him get the job. We literally had more peace in that small window of time, knowing God had a perfect plan and all we had to do was wait (which we had gotten pretty good at :)). After he was offered the job, we prayed HARD overnight, making sure this was God's plan. We both felt it was and have been sweetly assured since. In all 8 years of marriage, I have never seen my sweet husband so happy. He comes home just grinning, relaxed and loving. He is energized (even though he works 12 hour shifts) by what he is doing. I was worried in the beginning about him growing hard and cynical but I had a sweet friend (and fellow cop wife) share that it had done just the opposite in her husband. That he came home more tender, loving and gentle with their family. Just thankful. And it has done the same in Bobby. He hugs us tighter, loves on us and shares his day with us. My cup literally is overflowing. And I am humbled, in awe and just breathless at my God Whose plans are ALWAYS worth the wait. Always....
We are building a home as well. It has been SO fun to do this beside Bobby. I know this is generally a stressful thing but I have really leaned on Bobby's experience/expertise in construction and we have dreamed and talked but both have a similar heart to make wise choices within our means. We want to be great stewards of what God has given us and want to have WIDE margin for our family. Meaning we do not want to bump right up to what we make with what we spend. We lived 5 years with narrow margin (no debt but NARROW) and do not want to go back. I have had to daily pray for perspective and wisdom, not wanting my wants to get in the way of HIS wants for our family and others we could help with the freedom to give. My Dad is in the process of purchasing 140 acres of investment property which he is letting us build on which excites Bobby and I beyond what I can share. It truly has been a dream of ours since the beginning to have wide open spaces to raise our family. For our kids (and dogs) to have a place to run wild, learn the importance of work ethic that being raised on a farm can bring, having the opportunity to have fresh, organic produce at a fraction of the cost grown in our backyard! We are just so stinking excited I cannot even tell you. Dad and Bobby also plan on running cattle, which will keep us busy (and fed :)). So many of my friends have laughed saying, "NEVER in a million years did I think you would end up back here, married to a cop, living on a farm." And they are so right! But I am so, so happy. Content. Joyful.
However, parenting has been the biggest arena for lessons learned lately. I love how God uses each stage to challenge, kick me out of complacency. Marriage was hard. Learning to compromise daily, communicate in a way that the other sex could understand/relate to, lay down my selfishness. All HARD lessons. And then I just laughed after I became a parent at the things I had thought I learned. My selfishness was challenged in a whole new way. Having this new tiny person so completely dependent. Needy. I truly believe one reason God created parenthood was to reveal our sin. To show us in a way that we are urgent to correct it so that it is never replicated in our children. The area I have struggled with for a while now is my lack of self-control/discipline. I often wondered why God did not give me a compliant, eager to please first child. Abby Kate needs boundaries. She THRIVES with them. She has a Daddy that is EXCELLENT at it. Me, not so much. I literally find myself daily looking around for someone to ask "is this a big deal?" "how do I punish this?" And I hate it. One encounter this week left me breathless and completely challenged. I took AK to the library for some Momma/AK time. We both ADORE books and love to come home with new treasures to explore. I was attempting to get a library card in my "new/old" hometown and AK was into EVERYTHING. I asked her to come to me and she said "NO!" Now, I knew that this was blatant disobedience and it needed to be addressed and punished immediately. However, in order to save face, I finished what I was doing, checked out the books and took her to the car. She WANTED ME to punish her. She said, "You do it, PLEASE! Not Daddy." She KNOWS I am a pushover. And I asked her if she would have acted that way if Daddy had been there and she said, "No way." I asked why and she said, "He would have immediately punished me." And in that moment God showed me a glimpse of our future. I could see the tumultuous teenage years ahead and if as a 4.5 year old she does not show respect for my role as her mother, then the relationship I crave for our future would be impossible. So I have been DAILY praying for wisdom, grace and courage. Praying fervently that God would redeem any mistakes I make in that day. And the area of sin that I had been too lazy to fight, the gloves are on. It will not, WILL NOT, win. I am praying for the power of the Holy Spirit to overwhelm and redeem. And through this, I imagine God just grinning. All His perfect, beautiful intentions when making Abby Kate are challenging the areas of sin stealing joy from her mother...His daughter...Me.

What an incredible Artist, Creator, Friend. "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man to another..." Proverbs 27:17

Redemption

2010-07-11T12:55:00.000-07:00

I have no idea how 4 months have gone by without any updates to this blog. I have had a post permeating in my mind for days, and sitting in church this morning I knew I had to sit down and write today. Not only to share our lives with you, but also for my own processing.
We have had a rough past few months. Bobby lost his job due to bad economy in May. Our hearts were broken for our dear friends that B worked for/with and also sent us to our knees seeking direction. The first month and a half was ripe with hope. Tons of job leads poured in, daily even. We pursued each that seemed to be a possible fit for Bobby but not finding one that led anywhere. One of Bobby's subcontractors offered him a job, knowing it would be temporary, but also giving us some income, which was such a blessing. We ended up putting a for sale by owner sign in our yard, thinking it would take forever to sell, and ended up selling it in three days. Such a God thing. But it also sent me into a panic. I have been packing and purging and organizing almost daily. We close on July 21st but will try to be moved out by a week from today.
Now to the personal.
I will tell you, this has been literally the hardest season I have ever walked through. I was trying to pin point this weekend why that was....and I realized several things.
I am such a nester. I have been even since college, when that is not as important to some, always wanting a "home" ...one that smelled great, was uncluttered, had great food ready and soft music playing. It is a huge part of who I am, part of my personality. Now I am also in a season where home is where I work as well. I spend the vast majority of my time at home, and not having a place to nest is really, really hard on my heart.
I also have felt so far from God. Throughout other dark, hard seasons in my life, I have always felt God so much nearer. His peace and joy always flooded my heart and mind and I KNEW it was supernatural for me to feel those things in times such as those. But this time has been so different. I feel so disconnected. I feel nothing. But after some intense processing, I know God hasn't moved. He doesn't change. We do. We move. We pull away. And I have been suffering from intense Elijah syndrome. For those who don't know that story, Elijah was a prophet in the Old Testament. He literally had the blessing to see some of the most intense miracles of all times. And just following one of those, he fled, fearing his life because Jezebel, the King's evil wife pursued him and wanted him dead. And after he finally stopped running, God asked him what he was doing there. And Elijah replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too." This has always seemed so comical to me. Such victim mentality. Here was a prophet, who had been used mightily of God and had a front row seat to see His power and might displayed, and yet he was fearing a mere human. Furthermore here he was allowing his pain, fear and discouragement isolate him and make him feel like he was the only one feeling these things. The only one left. Doesn't that happen so easily? We get knee deep in the muck of life and the second we take our eyes off the King of Kings and His power, we begin thinking we have it so rough. That we are the only ones with it rough. That there is no hope. That is where I have rested these past few weeks.
And even more sadly to me, I have realized how much trust I have placed in the trappings of this world. My home. My stuff. My comforts. Bobby's salary. Identity through a job. "When moths and rust and thieves and such will soon enough destroy." And I know, I mean I KNOW, these things are of NO significance. And I am so so sad that I was holding on so tightly that God had to gently pry them loose. What a fool I am.
But I am resolved. I have absolutely no doubt that there is purpose in this. Even if it was the realization of the above things in my heart and life. They matter so much more than my comfort.
And finally, I think the ultimate purpose in this is a redemption story. I truly believe there is nothing, I mean nothing, that encourages fragile humans more than stories of redemption. Real, messy, imperfect stories of real, messy, imperfect people being redeemed. Beauty from ashes. And believe me, we have a pretty messy story, all being woven into beauty as we speak. We have had a hard marriage, one in which often left us both gripping white knuckled as our relationship seemed to spin out of control. We have tasted the fear, despair and heartache of infertility. We have made incredible mistakes as parents. Yet, in all of it, we see God redeeming the broken places. And I believe with all my heart this season is just a continuation of that story. And perhaps, preparing our path for this next chapter. I simply cannot wait to see what He has in store. He promises to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. He promises plans to prosper and not to harm, plans for a hope and a future. He is so so good. And as I have said before, never, ever, ever wastes pain. Gosh, I am so thankful for that. So, so thankful. So in the meantime, we are holding tight to His promises, waiting...

Quick Update

2010-02-25T11:39:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the advice and for emailing me! SOOOO helpful. Just a quick update on it (if you care) and HUGE praise! I lead a Bible study on Thursday mornings at our church and Bo ate early this morning so he would need to eat again during the study. I threw in 3 oz bottle thinking if, and I mean IF, they could get him to take the bottle, it could hold him off until I was finished. Well, they called me and said he had taken all of the bottle and was still hungry! I was literally in shock. AND, he slept wonderfully last night. God is so good!

Advice...

2010-02-23T11:22:00.001-08:00

I just posted this on the kiddos blog but I know I have different people that read each blog so I want the largest reading population possible so I can get the most advice possible!

I would love, love, LOVE any and all advice pertaining to the following...

So I leave in 1 month for 4 days with my precious best college girlfriends. I literally am beside myself with excitement. However I have a few items that MUST be taken care of before I can fly away completely without care. And thus the needed advice.

1. How do you get a 7 month old to take a bottle? He literally just plays with it. He chews and maybe sucks once or twice. I usually can get him to take 1/2 an ounce. BIG, big deal. I need him to be able to eat while I am gone.

2. How do you get the forementioned 7 month old to sleep through the night? I am pumping enough milk to have a night feed but would SO love it to be eliminated before I go. I know he does not need the calories. He will not take a paci so there is not a little way I can soothe him. He has had 6 ear infections since he was 3 months old so I have been told by my pedi not to let him cry it out. I put him down awake for naps and most bedtimes. We have a consistent bedtime rountine. He knows how to put himself to sleep. He takes 2, 1.5-2 hour naps. He goes down about 6:30-7 pm and usually wakes anywhere from 10:30-12. If he wakes on the early end, he usually wakes again around 4-5am. The first waking is usually a 5 alarm cry. The second I can usually leave him. I have no idea how to help him nor do I know what is waking him. Would love any help!

Big lessons, I mean big.

2010-02-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

This post has been resonating in my heart for days. Weeks really. And as in all things that need to be done, I have been attacked on all fronts preventing it. My kids are finally healing. Both are in their rooms, one napping, the other playing during quiet time, so I am left with a little quiet time of my own. I literally have no clue where to even start. I have so many thoughts and they are all wanting to tumble out. I have already forgotten to capitalize and punctuate the few sentences I have typed because the words are so desperate to be transcribed onto this page.

Oh. My. Word. God is so big. I mean really. Here I am, 31 (about to be 32), having been a Christian for 20ish years, stay at home Mom (translated: daily carrying out mundane tasks and very little adult interaction), not slept uninterrupted in over 6 months, had very little quiet time or time in the Word in over 6 months and yet God is still teaching me new things. Amazing things. Transformational things. Things that are still nagging at me. Begging for a place in my life. Begging for change to result.

And it all has come through intense suffering. Not my own. But others. Some I am close to and love dearly, others I have never met but still love and deeply care for. Two sweet Mommas that are my age battling with aggressive cancer, a young pastor I have never met but shepherds several friends battling with Stage 3 brain cancer, the Haitians, another dear friend adopting three siblings to add to their already darling family of 5 trudging through bureaucracy of another country separating her from her other kids for months and months all in attempts to bring these precious three children to their new home, 2 sweet friends dealing with the anniversary of their loved ones deaths...so much pain, weariness. Yet in the midst of it all, I continue to hear intense, incredible hope. And as a survivor of deep, deep dark valleys of the soul, my heart is incredible touched, sharing the one of the few things that all humans have in common...suffering. And I want to battle it out for them, with them. I want to go to the garden and pray without ceasing for healing, for peace, for progress, for hope, for joy. I DO NOT want to go back to my place of complacency. Ignoring anything that does not directly affect me. I want to be an intercessor. One that is lent to understanding and compassion and wisdom and stillness.

But even above that, I feel God calling me out of comfort. As I have hurt for the Haitians, the forgotten orphans around the world, the hungry, deserted, weary and broken, I have felt God asking me an important, and to be perfectly honest, uncomfortable question of "How are you going to respond? What are you going to do about it?" I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan last semester with our community group and was intensely challenged with several of these questions. Questions I have let resonate but have not picked up and looked at too closely for fear of what it might mean for my comfortable existence. Questions like
What does it mean to be the hands and feet of Christ?
With so much need, why do I have so much excess?
Am I willing to be uncomfortable so others may have food, shelter, water?
Am I willing for my traditions to be changed (ie: Christmas and the excess of gifts we receive) in order that others might receive instead?
Am I willing to live with significantly less?
And yes, the answers to those questions continue to haunt me. I want to hold on to comfort with a clenched fist. I want to have new clothes, and eat out whenever I want, and for my kids to have new clothes and be enrolled in activities that cost money and to have 2 cars and a nice home and to have a great savings account, 401K and to vacation twice a year. I want. Yet the money in my wallet (which is super rare because I rarely have spending money) is being waged over in my heart. All my Christmas money is sitting there, screaming to be spent on new clothes (which I so want after being pregnant) and fun but yet so many needs are continuing to spring up and God continues to ask, "Are you going to be obedient and share what you have been given or keep it for yourself?" My own heart and the world would argue that money is mine. Period. It was given as a gift. Not to pay bills, not to be given away but to be spent on ME. I mean, in the deep dark depths of my heart, I am screaming
Come on God! I am in the throes of the most unselfish phase of my entire life! I am meeting the needs of others all stinking day. I am constantly wiping noses and filling up sippy cups and fixing and cleaning up meals and changing diapers and wiping bottoms and making beds and picking up clutter and laundry laundry laundry. I WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OF FOR A CHANGE!
Yet though I sense God gently listening to my heart, I also feel Him shaking His holy head, just asking me to trust. To trust that though these temporary things seem attractive, balm to a weary soul even....He has something better.
I still have so much to say. But in an effort to not sound schizophrenic, I will end here. And prayerfully have a pocket of time in the near future to share more. But in the meantime, please pray for me. I want to do what He asks.

A New Year...

2010-01-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to post for so long! I feel like I have been on a unintentional blog break. So I am trying to get back in the game. I have so loved reading others New Years posts and am going to both copy and throw out a few of my own thoughts. So first for the copying, I have loved reading recaps of everyone's year. God says, "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them." Deut. 4:9 This verse consistenly challenges me and in this instance, it continues to do so. I want to remember what God has done daily in my life. Remember His goodness. And oh what a year!

We were able and blessed to travel, seeing Disney World through our 3 year olds eyes, a fun birthday trip to Las Vegas, have a relaxing 4th of July vacation (and pre-baby last hurrah!) at the Lake and ended the year in Dallas for the Cotton Bowl. Each trip was such a blessing and was refreshing and renewing.

In February, Bobby turned 30th and I had a ball trying to think of a way to show him how special he is is in a way that would honor HIM. I ended up compling letters from everyone he loved in a hardback book. It truly was so special to him and after reading all those letters, I was reminded of how truly blessed I am to call him mine!

Of course, our biggest blessing of the year arrived July 28th in a 8 lb 10 oz package. Bo has blessed us more than I can put in words. Having pleaded with God for him and now have him in our lives each day, it is a consistent reminder of how great is His faithfulness!

We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary in August. Many say the 7th year is the hardest. We attending a marriage conference in November which deeply encouraged and inspired us. We learned new things and were reminded of many things we do not put into daily practice. We walked away changed.

We began hosting a community group in our home in September. We adore our leaders and have fallen in love with each couple that God has brought to us. It was such a great reminder to Bobby and I that God has made us to share our lives with others.

We fell more in love with our church this year (if that is possible) and learned so much through so many precious, God-inspired messages. One thing I always pray for my pastors is that God would remove them and use their mouth, that I would hear Him alone. This year, I feel so confident this happened. One series in particular, Jesus Hates Religion, rocked our worlds. It knocked us out of our legalism and reminded us of the true heart of Jesus. Seriously, ROCKED our worlds.

So those were the high points. But I love that God is in the mundane days too. We have been so blessed. We delight in our children, adore one another and pray daily that we can know God as He knows Himself to be....

As for my heart and prayers for 2010...
*That I would be fully present with my children. I do not want scattered thoughts or silly tasks to call me away. I want to be fully, completely with them as we play, learn and grow together.
*That I would become refocused and self controlled. I know this is the work of the Holy Spirit and I pray that I would bear this fruit. I have been so undisciplined, forgetful, scattered and unorganized since having babies. I lose 20 things a day and often forget important things. I so desire for my heart and mind to be clearly focused and intentional.

I pray for us all that God would grow us, reveal Himself and show Himself strong in 2010!

Utter Joy...

2009-10-31T13:23:00.000-07:00

This will be short and sweet. Just a little of what I am feeling right now.
This week I have found myself feeling the physical manifestion of joy. I will be holding Bo or playing with Abby Kate and I will have these bubbles rise up in my chest so intensely that they can only come out, which produces a giggle (or two). I have watched my almost four year old sing everything she is doing to different tunes she has heard. I will see Bo's magical smile and hear his sweet giggle and it will be begin again. I am beginning to better understand how high and how wide and how deep and how long is God's love for us....
I mean, can you imagine? Take your purest, most intense love for another human and multiply that by intifinity and there you have it. Makes you think of yourself differently huh? And makes you want to love others differently doesn't it? It is the foremost and centerstage commandment...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. I want to love so much better.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13

A New Project...

2009-09-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

If you didn't receive an email from me regarding this new project, please check it out. I would absolutely love any contribution you may have. You can email any idea, tradition, or thought to me. Just leave a comment and I will contact you! I am super excited to see all God is going to do in and through it!
www.theintentionalparent.blogspot.com

Perspective...

2009-09-02T17:37:00.000-07:00

I was struck today, by the complete alternate reality perspective brings. I have been the mother of two for five weeks. So many things have changed in such a short time. My heart grew again, enough to encompass the love that only your child can evoke within you. And so many things are the same, yet so very different this time around. So many said that it would be easier, and in so many ways, it has. That is perspective for you.

With Abby Kate, I was a mess of tangled nerves and low confidence. I was up several times a night checking to see if she was breathing. I was trying to follow the rules, yet pushing down my strong instinct. I spent hours questioning and trying to figure out why she woke early from a nap or why she woke an extra time one night. I constantly second guessed myself and despaired that I would never sleep again. I had little milk and constantly wondered if she was hungry. I felt trapped by having to nurse so often. So weighty, so hard. I slowly began to admit to others as time passed that I did not enjoy the newborn stage. I would dread what was to come as night fell.

Perspective entered and now...

I lost three babies and I am holding the one we prayed for....longed for. I am up several times a night getting to nurse a baby that is gaining weight like a champ and my milk often squirts him in the face, there is such an abundance. I get to sit for a least 30 minutes at a time, guilt free, every three hours to stare at my son or read a good book if he snoozes. If he wakes early, we are too busy with life for me to guess why. I just get him up and incorporate him into our day. This time, I know this stage passes quickly. I love to snuggle him. I would love to rock him all day. I love putting him in the sling and having his heart beat against mine and smelling his sweet baby smell and having him fall asleep against me.

Now don't get me wrong. This is the first week things have felt manageable. Somewhat normal. A new normal. I still grieve that I cannot meet both of their needs right when the need them met. I hate that I have to choose. But I continue to pray each night that God would redeem any mistake I maden during that day. And I know seeing another put first will develop character and that their turn will come next. And it reminds me that I am not in control and I cannot do all things, be all things to all people. I have been reminded more these past 5 weeks that God is all sufficient. He supplies exactly what I need, all day. He gives me strength and multiplies what little sleep I get. He gives me wisdom and humor and perspective. Yes, that word again. Our pastor spoke on Sunday of God's faithfulness and how when our current circumstances seem hard, to look back and remember. He is so faithful. The sign my mother in law gave us upon learning we were pregnant says, "For this child, we have prayed." It hangs over Bo's door and often, as I am nursing, I will look at that sign and then look down in wonder at God's answer. And I remember.

Bo's Birth...

2009-08-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

I finally had 30 minutes with both kiddos down for naps to post! So here are some fun pics from the day. It has been such a trip going from 1 to 2 but super fun. Bo is such a sweet baby and we are loving every minute of him. Abby Kate has adjusted super well and loves her brother or "bubby." Today is our first day on our own and I have laughed trying to figure out how to do it all. I know it takes time :)

As for the birth, again, it was so much easier than my pregnancy. I am amazed seeing as how he was a full 2 lbs heavier than Abby Kate. But I pushed 4 times and he was out. Born on July 28th at 1:05 pm. He was 8 lbs 10 oz and 20.5 inches long. He is PRECIOUS and we are so in love.

Time to feed! More later...

Our Son...

2009-08-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

Here are just a few pics for those of you that have not seen him yet. I will do an extended post and the birth story in a bit! Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your prayers!

Life Lately...

2009-07-21T17:28:00.001-07:00

Not much to update but many of you have been so sweet to check on us. I am dilated to a 3, effaced and ready so it literally could be any day. I have been extraordinarily uncomfortable but extremely excited. We are READY! We had another ultrasound yesterday and he is weighing around 8 lbs. We decided to go ahead and induce Tuesday morning. I would never consider this if I wasn't already dilated but it seems my cervix is made of steel (I was dilated to a 4 for 4 weeks with Abby Kate) and refuses to let my water break!

So that is out latest. I cannot wait until the next post when I can actually post pictures of our precious son!

And just to leave you with a funny...

I was in Wal-Mart (walking like a maniac) and got to the back fridge/freezer section. Thankfully and strangely, we were the only ones back there. Abby Kate was sitting in the cart, happily munching on a new box of Vanilla Wafers. I sidestepped to grab a few more frozen pizzas and my flip-flops slid on something slick, sending me into the full splits.... It was NOT a pretty sight. I literally wanted to wail, but I just sat on the floor until I got my breath back. Abby Kate was mesmerized, asking over and over "MOMMA! What are you DOING?!" When I could talk, I reassured her I was okay and that I fell (she thought it was funny). It did not make me feel better, let me tell you. If you could only see me right now, it would explain a lot. I carried Abby Kate low, but literally, Bo is about inches from being birthed. Literally. So it compounded my discomfort. But it WAS funny. So typical of me. SO stinking typical.

The Lake

2009-07-06T11:45:00.001-07:00

The boys playing skee ball trying to win AK more tickets!

I debated about which blog to post this but decided it had more info regarding the fam versus just Abby Kate. We had a BALL this past weekend on our LAST vacation as a family of three. Oh it was SO great to get away! We got to leave Wednesday and stayed until yesterday so it was a perfect amount of time to rest and renew. We have been going to this lake every summer since I can remember. My parents talked this time about buying a condo there (it is about a 4 hour drive for us) but I tried to talk them into a putting in a pool at their house instead. However now that I am home, I am already missing it! This place holds SUCH great memories for me. Each place we go is awaited all year long in anticipation. My favorite being a restaurant called the Blue Heron which is fancy and delicious. Abby Kate was wonderful this time as we all feasted on batter-fried lobster. Yes, it is as decadent as it sounds. We went to the boardwalk and watched B play in the batting cages and AK got to play skee ball for $.25. We watched fireworks on the 4th while eating Randy's famous custard (another tradition). We actually started a new one this year by going to a super fun indoor kids place that had a HUGE arcade and then a small roller coaster and HUGE maze/playground. She literally played for hours with her exhausted, sweaty Daddy climbing behind her. It is directly across from the mall so we know what future vacations will hold now :)

B and I got to see 2 movies while Sweecie and Poppy watched AK. We sat out on the deck each morning watching the boats, feeding the ducks and fish and eating breakfast. It really was heaven!

We weren't sure we were even going to get to go but went to the doctor on the way out of town and I was dilated to a 1-2 so we thought it was safe seeing as I was dilated to a 4 for 4 weeks with AK. I did have a ton of contractions on the trip but God brought us home safely! Thanks for all who prayed that we would get to go. It was a PERFECT trip!

Storms and Such...

2009-06-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

What a weird past 24 hours. It began last night. I sure hope you all get a good laugh out of my dorkiness. Such strange things happen to me. Seriously.

So I have a weird chest cold. I have been coughing like a manic and have gotten choked several times in the night. Please tell me I am not the only one that does this. Waking up and feeling like spit has gone down the wrong pipe, only throwing you into massive coughing spells? Well last night, it happened again. I jumped up and felt wetness soak my pants and drip onto the floor. I know this is gross, just keeping it real. I figured it was urine but wasn't 100% sure. I got to the bathroom to sit down, only to start throwing up all over myself. I strip down and weakly (and in a super strange voice) yelled and Bobby. When he got there, I was throwing up violently, snotty and naked. Yep, good thing he is in this for the long haul, it was BEEE-u-tiful! He looked super scared, asking me what to do, also asking, "Was it the ABC, 123s?" (I only thought of this funny sentence later in the night). Nope, it wasn't the gourmet kid-friendly meal of ABC, 123s that I had chosen for my dinner but coughing, I explained. We called my Dad to see what to do, and he agreed it was probably just urine. I slept fine. Woke up this morning, getting ready to take my niece to meet her Momma and these crazy storms rolled in. I ADORE storms, but was a little perturbed at the interruption to my plans. My niece had a birthday party to get to for goodness sakes! But we waited it out. And they were pretty massive. We then hear tons of sirens, and look outside only to see an adjacent house on fire (praise God no one was hurt). We watched this craziness play out for a good long time, chatted with the neighbors and watched police come in and shut down our roads.

We finally set out and as I got about 45 minutes away from home, I start having contractions. Now due to last nights drama, I got a smidge nervous. I called my sweet doctor and she wanted me to head up to the hospital. So I quickly dropped my niece off, turned right around and went back to the hospital. They hook me up, test the "leakage" to see if it was amniotic fluid, it turns out to be inconclusive so they do a test and send it to the lab. Finally, it comes back negative and now I am feeling super relieved (and dorky!). 2 hours later, I am fully dressed, headed out the door. But the 2 hours sitting hooked up to a monitor got me in full gear to get things ready. You know, just in case. All I could do was sit there thinking how horribly messy my house was, how much I needed to get out of the attic for Bo, how badly I needed a pedicure, how weird my spray tan looked now that it was all splotchy, how I didn't have a robe that fit any more, etc...and I thought, hmmmm....God answered my prayer to allow Bo to stay in a while longer and also kicked me out of laziness while He was at it! He is GOOOOOD!

Seriously, I promise I am not THAT vain. Mostly, I am looking so forward to these next few weeks as a family of 3. We planning to spend sweet quality time together and cherish this time with our only child. But let me tell you, we are all giddy for him to arrive. When AK walked into the hospital room today, she shouted, "GET UP! GET UP!" But as I explained to her what was going on, she walked over and kissed Bo (my tummy). She is ready too, though she has NO IDEA what kind of change she is in for. So if you have any advice for the transition from 1 to 2 kiddos, we would love to hear them. I really do think she will do great. I know it is hard for any child but she is so excited and ready to have "jobs" to help me.

Not sure how much more I will blog between now and then. At my last ultrasound, he was 5 lbs 1 oz. Not sure when he will arrive. That ultrasound said July 18th. It just keeps moving up. But maybe his weight gain will even out toward the end. Who knows?! But we know God has us in His precious hand! Until then....

3D Ultrasound Pics and Update

2009-05-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. We sure did. We got to kick it off on Saturday by having a 4D ultrasound that my parents bought at an auction. It was super fun to see. We then went to lunch with Mom and Dad and my precious in-laws which was so fun! As you can tell, our sweet Bo is growing and well. He is already 4 lbs. 4 oz. which freaks me out a bit considering I still have 2 months to go but I know I can, I know I can. I love that he already has chubby cheeks! My original due date was August 5th but from my mid ultrasound they said it should be July 27th and this one estimated July 25th. So we shall see. I hear the first ultrasound it most accurate so I am still counting on August. Just please pray with me that I don't deliver a 12 lb. baby!

Also, please pray as I found out at my last appt. that I am B12 and folate deficient which explains these weird spells (dizziness, heart racing, short of breath, etc.) I have been having. I am hoping the B12 shot and additional folic acid and iron that I started taking over the weekend will put me back in the game fast.

We got several things finished over the weekend. My parents came and Dad helped Bobby do a landscape project in the backyard that has been much needed (thanks boys!) and then we had a big cookout on Sunday night with the fam and a few friends. My favorite part was loving on sweet Liv for uninterrupted time in the porch swing. Agh. That alone was perfect. It really was so great and relaxing. Abby Kate and I have been spending countless hours outside which has been glorious. She has been playing so well on her own lately which is such a God thing. I am so thankful He is readying her heart for the major change coming. I just finished a fantastic parenting book that helped my heart more than any I have read. It has excited me and made me so passionate and intentional about what I am doing all day with Abby Kate and soon, Bo. So God is just allowing so many precious things to fall into place, in perfect time.

I pray all is well with each of you!

My sweet, sweet Liv....

2009-05-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Most have heard, but my precious niece was born Tuesday night. I have been in a giddy haze since it all occurred.

I thought it would be fun to share this story, in light of her birth, to remember the goodness of the Lord, and how often He gives me the desires of my heart.

Ashley, my precious sister in law, was one of our leaders during K-Life, the ministry I worked for following college. I came to deeply love and respect her. She was a picture perfect leader, loving on her girls every chance she got.... she was gentle, quiet, sweet-spirited, well-respected, smart, fun-loving, intentional, faithful, loyal...best of all, she loved Jesus.

I remember thinking how perfect she would be for Hal. Embarrassingly, I sat them next to each other at dinner during one of Hal's visits, introducing them saying, "You're medical, he's medical, you all have a lot in common" and then casually turning away to begin another conversation. I am sure they both wanted to kill me. Needless to say, I spent a ton of time praying over this....begging God to let her be the one for Hal.

Hal has always been my best little buddy. We have a exceptional relationship and once we entered the dating arena, my heart so deeply wanted him to have a wife who loved Jesus and adored him...fit him. And Ashley did. Perfectly.

I wanted to remember all this to express the poignancy of Tuesday night. Ashley is not only my sister, but my friend. We talked about contractions and "changes" all day on Tuesday wondering if she might be ready. She had longed desired to deliver naturally and being overdue was putting that at risk somewhat. Her doctor encouraged her to induce, which she and Hal prayed about and decided to do Wednesday, though we were all praying that she would go on her own before that. When Hal called me at 7:30 telling me they were headed to the hospital, my heart was in my throat. I was so excited, seriously, it easily could have been happening to me...I felt it that intensely. So I quickly bathed and put AK down, and headed to their house to get Ashley's pillows she had forgotten and then called Hal to make sure there was nothing else. Hal soberly told me that they had taken Ash for crash c-section, every mother's worst nightmare, especially my sisters. I sobbed praying as I drove 90 mph to the hospital that they would both be healthy, safe. In light of that, I had such a special honor to be the first to arrive at the hospital, waiting with Hal in the empty delivery room. And when I heard they were both fine, I sobbed. They brought my precious niece in minutes later and it took my breath away. I was looking at a piece of my precious, beloved brother and this sweet sister for whom I had so passionately prayed. The only other time I fell in love at first sight was when they laid Abby Kate in my arms for the first time. I am smitten.

So here are some pics of that precious night...seeing God's culmination of blessing and faithfulness play out. Thank you Lord, for always doing immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine.

*A little FYI, I forgot the uploaded the pics in back order so they start at the bottom and end at the top!

Mothers Day...

2009-04-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

Somehow, my crazy thoughts led me to this story this morning, and realized I had pondered these things in my heart for 3 years and had never shared them out loud. God is so good to bring about lessons from our crazy thoughts.

On the day Abby Kate was born, I was giddy and could not wait to see her sweet face. For 9 months I had imagined what she looked like, and as all parents feel, I think, she far surpassed what I could have asked or imagined. Funny enough, the first thing I noticed on my perfect daughter was not her beautiful face, her dimple, her dark hair and skin, but it was her hands....and they took my breath away. No, she did not have 6 fingers or strangely large or small hands, but she had MY hands. Every detail of her hands reflected mine. Her fingers were long and lean. She had wrinkles that resembled mine, even her tiny fingernails were shaped like mine.

I have thought back on this so many times. I had no idea my baby would be the spitting image of my handsome husband. Even my sweet Nannie stared in her precious face and asked, "where is my baby in you?" (me being the referenced baby :) However, her hands were exclusively mine. And now, every time she laces her slender fingers through mine, I get a little teary. I remember God knitted her together with part Bobby and part me. How creative. How intimate. How beautiful.

But you know, as egocentric as we are...hoping to see a glimpse of ourselves in the tiny life we birth, I have realized how powerful that is....that God uses two parts of a person to make another whole person. And not only is that powerful, it is humbling. So humbling. Watching another walk around with traits of your own is a bit surreal. And it becomes even more harrowing when your personality traits, your habits, your faults become evident. That is why, I believe, parenting is the single hardest thing I have attempted. It is why I am daily crying out for God's to parent her through me, to help me get past myself to point her to a perfect Father who will change her life. Who will bring freedom. Hope. Beauty. Purpose.

There is not a day that I do not ask God, myself, and others who will listen....HOW exactly do I do that? Our pastor is doing an incredible series right now on parenting that has been incredible and impacting. You can listen to the series here.

But a few things that he has taught that has strongly convicted me and touched my heart. One being that we need to study our children. God is a perfect Craftsman. No two people are alike. So we are encouraged to study our children and know how God made them. How they are best loved. What gifts God has given them. How they are made uniquely to contribute to the world and what God wants to do with them in the world. And two, every day my ability to point Abby Kate to Christ comes from an overflow of my own relationship with Him. We cannot give our children something we don't have ourselves. If I do not know the Word, the moral reasons why I say "no" or why I teach certain character traits, then I cannot teach Abby Kate. I cannot merely hope that Abby Kate will see me attending church and acting a certain way on Sundays. She has to see my faith as my life. Every day, every second, every action, every word. It feels like such an overwhelming task. Impossible really. And it is. It truly is when I am walking in my flesh, feeding it the things it wants, like gossip and greed and lies and materialism and selfishness and pride and laziness. But I have found, when I arise before my household, cry out to my Father for help, for guidance, for wisdom, for His will to be done, my day suddenly becomes more intentional. And I am reminded that motherhood is God's greatest call on my life. That raising my children to live a life about knowing Him and making Him known matters above all else. I truly believe motherhood coupled with marriage is God's ultimate training ground. He expands your heart to learn new truths about Him through the joys and hardships of both. To strip you of selfishness, to broaden your understanding of unconditional love, to learn faithfulness and patience, to experience the power of redemption.

So this weekend, I am so profoundly grateful. For my child who I get to love on daily. For this child who I feel kicking and moving around inside of me. For the child/children I pray I may bear in the future and/or for the child/children we may adopt one day. For it is through them that my understanding of the love of my Father has been deepened and heightened and widened. And really, is there any more precious a gift He could give me with exception of His own Son? And by allowing me to become a mother, showing me His own love for me through that act? So, thank you Father for allowing me to experience Mother's Day. Not the holiday in which my children (or husband) runs out to buy me a present. But a yearly reminder of the blessing of being allowed to do what I do. And the daily reminder that I must do better. Not the guilt and shame that You do not author, but the reminder that I desperately need YOU. And the sweet knowledge at the end of the day that I can cry out and ask You to redeem my mistakes. And You will....

Bo's Room

2009-04-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

I finished Bo's room last week and am thrilled with how it turned out! The only thing I had to buy was the bedding and it came with the valance and everything so it was SUPER easy this time! I am having our rocker recovered and it will go in the blank corner and we are getting a cow hide rug for the floor but I love it all! We had all the western decor in one of our guest rooms as my sweet hubby loves and had collected it so it only took putting it together. Now I am going to sit back and relax in my 3rd trimester, enjoying my girl and fixing good food to freeze!

Traditions....

2009-04-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

I woke up Monday morning and spent time in the Word, convicted at the end that I should seek fun ways and exciting traditions to begin for our family as we celebrate Easter. As a Christian, this week is paramount for our faith. I want this holiday to be the greatest celebration my children know...I so desire for them to look forward to it as I did for Christmas. But then, classic to my distracted nature, I forgot until last night. As I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, I startled awake wondering how in the world it had become Wednesday night and I still had done nothing to teach Abby Kate or to begin the anticipation of Resurrection Sunday. So this morning, I asked my precious Bible study friends to share what they did and got some fun responses....thank goodness God has given so many creative brains. Mine is wired more for stories, dreams and vision verses actual ways to carry out that vision or dream. And though I love the art of telling stories, both verbally and written, my communication gifts are best suited for teenagers, college students and young adults. So I often feel absolutely clueless when I communicating with my precious 3 year old.

Here are some fun things they shared...

My super creative and precious friend Ashley shared about resurrection bread (which she shows how to make on her blog) and resurrection eggs, which I promptly went and purchased after Bible study. I bought ours at Mardel's for under $10. They are adorable plastic different colored eggs which are numbered and inside each one is a token that tells the story of Jesus and the cross. You can open them each and tell the story or open one each day leading up to Easter. It comes with a book if you do not feel comfortable telling the story. It is a great visual and Abby Kate LOVED it!

My other sweet friend Lisa shared of a fair they had attended where they used paper that disintegrated in water and each person wrote a sin they had committed that day on it. After telling the story of Jesus dying on the cross to remove our sins, they placed the paper in a large bowl of water and watched them disintegrate. She said her 4 year old exclaimed, "OH! Jesus died so my sin would be taken away forever!" Wow. A great lesson.

So if you have more...I would LOVE to hear them.

Until then, I pray for each of you that you have a restful and blessed Resurrection Sunday...and that you celebrate with your whole hearts at the fact that we serve the only living God!

2009-04-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

Abby Kate

Well, we had another doctor's appointment today so I had to share our latest "pic." When I saw his profile today, I literally gasped thinking back on the profile picture that I had framed for months of Abby Kate. I think they are pretty similar. So fun.

I have also felt pretty huge. I have gotten BIG this time, thinking I was not even out of my normal clothes at this point with Abby Kate and I just feel gigantic. I have gained the same amount of weight at this point as I did with Abby Kate so my OB measured me and I am measuring 3-4 weeks bigger than I am! CRAZY! I am just praying I do not have to mimic my mother in law who gave birth to my 10 lb 13 oz, 23 inch long husband! AGH! I have such an easy birth story from Abby Kate, I don't think I will be singing the same tune if I have to deliver a huge boy.

In other news, we got back from an incredible trip to Vegas with my parents, my brother Hal and his buddy Mike. My sweet sister Ash is too close to delivery so she could not travel (and we missed her :). We had a ball. Strangely, we all forgot our cameras. We ate delicious food (14 meals with no toddler), shopped and watched great shows. One of the highlights was seeing Ray Ramono and Kevin James do stand-up and Adam Sandler surprising the audience at the end. It was crazy fun! My sweet sister-in-law sacrificed her spring break to play with Abby Kate and my incredible mother-in-law took off a few days as well. I am so thankful for family! Though being away from Abby Kate so long was hard, it really helped me return home rested and renewed, ready to tackle motherhood with excited vision. There is nothing like being away to cause you to reflect and see areas that need to be worked on. So I am home, loving on my girl with reckless abandon, savoring these last few months of having an only child. And it was great to be away with my hubby too :)

I pray you are all doing well!

Fun week...

2009-03-06T12:55:00.001-08:00

Gosh, I adore the warm weather!!! It has put me in the best mood and I cannot help but want to be outside 24/7! I do not think it should be allowed to turn cold again after such a sweet taste of summer. But I am thankful, in this moment, for the beauty of spring.

I walked into Abby Kate's room this morning and sang a little ditty my Mom always sang to us...

this is the day

that the Lord has made

I will rejoice and be glad in it!

Abby Kate loved it and squealed, "What you singing Momma?!" So I sang it again...and again and again until she learned it and we have sung it all day!

She is trying to sleep right now. Daddy promised her we could camp out on the trampoline tonight and roast marshmallows and eat smores. She is giddy! So we are counting down the minutes until Daddy gets home tonight.

But onto other things, God has been so good. I feel I am learning so much. There has been a lot of heartache happening around me lately. I have just felt so heavily burdened for dear ones in my life struggling through desperate valleys. But I read an article yesterday that so encouraged my heart....and cast perspective again. Being on the other side of a dark time, this was so clear, such truth to me. However in it, I know perspective is often lost and there are more questions than answers. But to summarize the article, it was looking at Good Friday, and why it was important. The author beautifully wrote of the often somber remembrance of Good Friday. The death, the tears, the darkness of it all. And she continued sharing that she much rather preferred the celebration of Easter instead. Victory over death! The beauty of life! The truth that we serve a real, living God...one in which the grave could not hold. But how we have Good Friday seasons often in our life and it is important to understand the significance.

Here are a few of my favorite segments...I tried to link the article but couldn't. It is from the March/April issue of Today's Christian Woman magazine entitled What's So Good about Good Friday? and is written by Carolyn Arends.

"I am immensely comforted when I remember that the God who cares deeply and personally about even a fallen sparrow is watching over me. But I've been a parent long enough to suspect that my heavenly Father knows more than I do about what I need and where I'm going-and about what's best for the whole family. So it's a safe bet that his definition of blessing is different from mine.

When I'm expected Easter Sunday and I get Good Friday instead, I'm trying to remember that God's definition of "good" undoubtedly confounds and far exceeds my own."

And this is a long segment but SO GOOD...

"Endings that are beginnings, death that is life- God will always confound our expectations.

A couple of years ago, during a jubilant Easter service, our pastor said something that stopped me in my mental tracks: "The world offers promises full of emptiness. But Easter offers emptiness full of promise."

"Empty cross, empty tomb, empty grave-clothes...all full of promise. If I were writing the Easter story, I don't think I'd chose emptiness as my symbolic gesture. But then, I also wouldn't be talking about strength being made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9), foolish things confounding the wise (1 Cor. 1:27), the meek inheriting the earth (Matt. 5:5), or the poor in spirit getting (in every sense of the word "get") the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 5:3). And I certainly wouldn't be talking about dying in order to live."

"What is it about God that makes him so favor this kind of paradox? I guess this is what we should expect from the Servant King- the God who decided the best way to save the world was to let it kill him. I don't understand the way God thinks. But on those days when I feel hollowed out and broken- half-dead, even- it makes me glad to remember that for Easter people, even death is full of promise.

The world makes a lot of promises. Smoke a mirrors, mostly. Frantic, cartoonish attempts to distract us from the gaping holes in the middle of our souls (or to sell us the latest product in order to fill them). There's no life in those promises.

So I'm hoping that this Lenten season, I'll be a little more willing to die to that stuff. I'm praying I'll become more aware of the empty space within, and that I'll resist the urge to fill it with any old thing I can find. I'm going to wait, carved out, vulnerable, a cracked and crumbling jar of clay, on a life God's offered to deposit anywhere there's room. I'm going to believe that if I'll just leave the empty spaces empty, he'll fill them. That, I'm convinced, is a reasonable expectation."

So this is my prayer as well. That I will refuse to fill the empty, still fragile places in my life with stuff that is simply stuff. Stuff that holds no power. And I am fully expecting my God to meet me there and fill those places with life. And this is my prayer for those I love that are broken...

Can you guess?

2009-02-16T12:04:00.000-08:00

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory. Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge. Lead him I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail. Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength. Then, I, his father, will dare to whisper, I have not lived in vain. -General MacArther

Baby Update

2009-02-11T12:17:00.000-08:00

Hi all...

Just thought I would share. I am 15 weeks today!

Had a super scare last weekend. I have been cramping pretty bad for about a week. My sweet doctor (who I adore and actually went to high school with) had told me to come in by the end of the week if it hadn't stopped. Friday was pretty good so I didn't call. I decided last minute Friday evening to head home to help Mom and Dad clean out their basement (I love to purge and organize and they actually let me boss them around!) after finding out B would have to work again most of the weekend. I must confess, I was TIRED ya'll. And I also selfishly needed some help with my tireless toddler. On the way home, the cramping got pretty bad. It stayed pretty bad most of the day Saturday. I finally had a concern breakdown (I will still say God spared me of the intense worry I had felt in the past- there has been so much freedom I cannot tell you). My Dad said we could run up to the hospital and let them do an ultrasound. I was super anxious. I really felt like something was wrong at this point. Once she started the ultrasound, I saw the baby's heartbeat and felt a joy and relief that was intense. She did a complete job of it, measuring everything and checking it all. There was a 4 chamber heart, all the right bones, a perfect spine, etc... I just felt such joy. The stomach is measuring about 4-5 days larger than the rest but she said that was normal, that he/she was eating well (as does his/her Momma) :). Fun thing is, he/she has been measuring big all along and it put my due date to August 3rd, our 7th anniversary! SO typical for us....as Bobby and I share the same birthday and our parent's share the same anniversary. I told Bobby and he just deadpanned and said, "I figured."

And finally, she saw something....pretty certain of the sex. We have another appointment on the 25th and should know for sure.

Oh yes, I so went there.

New happenings...

2009-02-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Not much to update, I was just sitting here thinking of a creative or insightful post but not much has come forth. So just a few fun things...

I am officially out of my first trimester and off of the progestrone! Wahoo! I am actually starting to show a little and sadly, was unable to sit comfortably in my favorite jeans this morning. So I happily put on a pair of comfy, full panel jeans without apologies and went on my merry way! I am comforting myself by telling myself it is the second child syndrome (which didn't pass over well when I saw 2 sweet friends at church way ahead of me and with other children but with still perfectly flat tummies, oh well...). And, I felt the baby flutter today. This is the feeling I so grieved after each miscarriage. I know many women do not like the sensation but I ADORE feeling my child move within me. It is so comforting and beautiful to me. We should get to find out the sex in a few weeks which will make for a super fun birthday present.

And, I am facilitating another women's Bible study through our church and I am just beside myself with giddiness over the women He has placed in this study. I came home unable to stop blabbing to Bobby about how excited I was. We are doing a book called Youniquely Woman, calling to light issues of keeping your home, motherhood and marriage. Such timely subjects for me. And I am confident I will learn so much from the women in the study. Such a sweet reminder of God's love for me!

Finally, I have some super fun surprises up my sleeve for my precious husband's 30th birthday so stay tuned for updates!

BEEE-U-TIFUL Day...

2009-01-22T12:52:00.001-08:00

I seriously think I go into seasonal depression. I hate winter and cold weather. I just HATE being cold. I have felt colder this winter than ever. I feel like even my bones are cold. Perhaps it is because I am trying to avoid my electric blanket, long, hot baths and my car seat heater due to pregnancy (all of which are luxuries that seems to make winter less painful for me). We have been trapped inside due to this weeny Momma hating to go out in the cold, even bundled up. Today is such a sweet blessing in the midst of freezing cold temperatures. It is a beautiful 68 degrees here and Abby Kate and I have spent much time outside already! My windows are open and I am savoring the outside air coursing through my house!

So I was thinking today, what are ways you make winter less painful? Here are a few things that have made my life a little easier (and sweeter :)) and I would L-O-V-E to hear yours!

*The Cocoa-Latte (a machine that mixes your hot chocolate for you and then keeps it at the perfect temperature for hours by remixing and heating to perfection!)

*I mentioned this back in a previous favorite things post but I love the Simply Shabby Chic Cozy blanket, pair it with the Makeover Mattress Pad I bought from JcPenneys with some of my Christmas money (it has about a 2-3 in. down alternative pad on top!) and a yummy pair of flannel sheets!

*Chips (my favorite snack!)

*Movies

* Magazines (my favs are Country Home, Country Living, Cottage Living, Southern Living, People and US Weekly)

*Books

And as for activities with Abby Kate, which these are what I would REALLY love to hear from you!

*Play-Do

*Playing with bubbles in the bathroom sink (for HOURS!)

*Cooking

*Playing tea party (for HOURS!)

*Reading

*Playing in playroom/bedroom

*Dressing up

Thanks friends! Hope it is beautiful where you are today!

A Clean Heart...

2009-01-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Hello for the first time in the New Year. What a fun year it has already been. I posted a million pictures of our Disney World trip on Abby Kate's blog so if you want to see/hear about it, mosey on over there.

I have contemplated this new year more than I have ever in the past. I always have scoffed somewhat at resolutions. They always seem trite and silly to me...knowing I rarely have the self-control to stick with them. But there is something about this new year...starting fresh. Ripe with hope and unbridled joy. Unexpected blessings and pain awaiting us I am sure, but I cannot wait to live it.

I have been studying the Psalms in the new year. One thing I am praying for this year is a heart of worship. A heart that is pure, full of fear and awe of my God, a heart that is clean. I love the Psalms and what I am learning about Him through the praises of these famous poets. The words have been hitting me with such intensity. I find myself digging in my dictionary to get a better grasp on the words already written. Just like today. I was studying Psalm 3. Verse 3 said, "You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." I started to think through what word pictures all three of these images painted for me of my God. As a shield, He has always gone before me, extinguishing the arrows of the enemy and letting those arrows through that He intends for my good. My Glory. This is where I sought the dictionary. Splendor, majesty, magnificence. What a beautiful reminder that all that is good within me is because of Him alone. This is also where I want to resonate this year. Basking, meditating upon, studying... His splendor, His majesty, His magnificence. I want His Words to become like water and food. That I feast upon it all day long, and long for it before all else. And the beautiful image, the lifter of my head. That tender action in moments of defeat, brokenness, despair. He alone lifts the broken and brings beauty from ashes. I am living it. I love the Jeremy Camp song I have playing on the playlist right now. The words are so indicative of my heart. So listen if you have time. Or read the words below. Sweet, sweet Words. Even sweeter God.

All this time I've wandered around searching for the things I'll never know
I've been searching for this answer that only will be found in your love
And I feel it
My heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it
Your voice that's shown my purpose in this world

You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul
You have restored me

I've only come to realize my strength will be made perfect at your throne
Laying all reflections down to see the precious beauty that you've shown
And I feel it
My heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it
Your voice thats shown my purpose in this world.

Laying all these questions down you've answered what I need
Youve given more than I deserve your making me complete
You give me all these open doors I'm humbled at your feet
To show me what youve done for me

All this time I've wandered around searching for the things I'll never know.

Blessings Continued...

2008-12-30T14:55:00.000-08:00

For another update, we got to see the precious little one again today! He/she seemed SO much bigger this time and we got to see his/her legs and arms moving and the heart beating loudly! It was the most beautiful sight and sound. We both left blown away by the miracle of life and celebrated our precious Creator!

We had a wonderful Christmas. Abby Kate was just mesmerized. She loved every inch of it. From singing Jingle Bells at the top of her lungs, to exclaiming every time she saw Christmas lights, to hearing the Christmas story over and over and talking about Jesus, to trying to figure out which present was hers. Bobby and I commented several times this season at how magical it seemed to us again. We both felt like we did when we were children.

We had a ball with our families. Abby Kate was spoiled as always and she came home with many fun new things. It has so helped to have some things to keep her entertained as I have been super sick and sleepy! It will get better in a couple of weeks! My favorite thing she got was a Star Station that came with 2 microphones and a camera that projects you onto the TV. It has been so fun to watch her entertain (and it should be noted that my favorite toy until I was 12 (or 20) was my Karoke machine to which I rocked out daily).

Onto other fun news, Bobby headed to Orlando today for one of his best friend's weddings. We are joining him Saturday and are going to make a week of it. We are taking AK to magical Disney World which has us all giddy! Sweecie and Poppy are joining us and have made her appointments to have breakfast at Chef Mickey's where she will meet the characters and to have a makeover at Cinderella's castle at the Bippidy Boppidity Boutique. If she doesn't faint from excitement, this could make for some new favorite memories! She has been carrying her backpack around with her new kid-tough digital camera reminding me daily she is going to take pictures of Mickey and Minnie. It truly is one of my favorite places on earth so I cannot wait!

Our God is so good. I just have been meditating on His sweet power, faithfulness and love lately. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. I am just so in love with Him. I am joining with Beth Moore (www.livingproof.org) to memorize scripture this year. As she so sweetly stated on her blog, I am praying for a Jesus year. I am super excited to get back to a place where my mind is saturated in the Word. God also provided a sweet accountability partner which was gravely needed. I have become very lax in my time in the Word and this was just another sweet answer to prayer. I just pray 2009 will be a year that God shows Himself strong in my life. That my life will be an offering and one in which I see victories over strongholds, depth and insight into my Savior's Words and a transformed life.

Come, Thou fount of every blessing, 
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace; 
Streams of mercy, never ceasing, 
Call for songs of loudest praise. 
While the hope of endless glory 
Fills my heart with joy and love, 
Teach me ever to adore Thee; 

May I still Thy goodness prove.

Happy 2009....

UPDATE!

2008-12-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

5-6 week heartbeat (taken this past Thursday)

5-6 week yolk sac (also taken Thursday)

4-5 week gestational sac (taken at our first appointment. Cannot believe how much the sac has grown in one week!)

Oh this precious one. I cannot tell you what he/she (Abby Kate insists it is a boy baby) is doing to my heart. To see the heart pumping at the last ultrasound did more for me than I can put in words. I know we are not promised an easy life. Nor, though statistics show miscarriages drastically decrease after seeing the heartbeat, am I promised a healthy pregnancy. However, I just felt a sweet assurance. A peace and unbridled joy that encompassed me.

One of the things that has been nagging me greatly was the lack of closure. After such a dark season, I expected to have the lessons God wanted me to learn tied neatly with a bow that I could insert cleanly into my testimony and then move steadily along. I finally was able to pray through what was bothering me most and after getting it into the open, I have examined it from many angles, through prayer, time in the Word, and sweet conversation with my husband. I realized that I still have questions about prayer. I know there are so many schools of thought...so many different teachings regarding prayer. My biggest question has been "does prayer really hold power?" I have always believed it does. I believe that the prayers of a righteous man availeth much, because that is what God tells me. However, what happens when your prayer and God's will does not match? Who wins? Um, I think we know the answer. However, so many teach that if you have large faith, believing God is going to answer it, that your heart's desires will be realized. However, I struggle with this line of reasoning for the simple lesson God has taught me over and over....it is not about me. And if there is something I can do to get God to do my will, then wouldn't my life be mine again rather than His? So many speak of God giving us the desires of our heart, but forget the command following that promise, which is delight yourself in Him. And when we delight ourselves in Him, our desires become His desires.

And on to the heart of the matter....do I really trust God? Really. Do I trust Him? And though with my lips and head, I can give you every single right answer, I felt myself moving into a season of ease again and realizing how much I do not want taken away...and I realized I still was thinking, "I do not trust You to take it away." As I was communicating this to Bobby, his eyes pooled with tears and he gave his heart's contents on the subject, pouring out his unbridled trust of this God I adored but wasn't so sure I trusted. I told Bobby I felt a bit like a relationship in which one had hurt you and you moved away out of protection, creating a wall in some form or another, either hindering intimacy in the said relationship or not allowing other relationships to form out of fear. And then Bobby said something profound. He reminded me that Abby Kate does not move away from us when we do not give her everything she wants. We see the big picture. We know the whys of why she cannot eat cupcakes every meal or wear her bathing suit in the snow or go for a walk by herself. And then he reminded me to apply that knowledge and love infinity fold and that is the way God loves us. He knows all. He sees all. He sees the big picture. He loves me more than I could ever grasp. If He is not trustworthy, than not one is. And as Bobby has always said to me, "if we knew what God knew, we would do the exact same thing." And so simply, trusting God is not trusting He will not allow pain. It is trusting in spite of the pain, He knows. He is not a cruel God seeking to hurt me. He supplies what I need in the midst of the hurt and as I have always said, will never waste my pain. So now for the application. Is my heart going to follow what my head and tongue already knows? Am I going to fear what could happen to this precious life growing inside me or am I going to trust? God, I choose trust.

Finally!

2008-12-07T13:04:00.001-08:00

These crazy things are actually bats, not moss. GROSS!!!!

These were the guys right in front of our villa!

Well, after a fast paced, frantically hectic week, I am finally updating! Just so you know, I HAVE been trying to post this for 3 days. I think blogger is freaking out due to the large mass of pictures I am trying to upload to this post. I have SO many pictures, you are likely to get bored. We had a WONDERFUL time in Costa Rica. Truly. It was the single most restful vacation I have been on since becoming a mother. We literally had little to do every day but decide, "should I read my book in the hammock by the pool or take a nap?" So indulgent. The boys went on many adventures which kept them happy and we girls got to spend hours in the sun reading our books, which kept us happy.

We got there late Friday night and spent all day Saturday playing by the pool. On Sunday, the boys went white water rafting and rode a zip line through the jungle. They had a BALL! Hal, Bobby and Ashley went to the beach on Monday where the boys took surfing lessons. Tuesday, we had a spa come to the villa and we all got pampered. It was incredible! I got a body scrub, a massage and a facial. Wednesday, we went on a boat safari and got to see tons of crocodiles, monkeys, iguanas, and birds. It was so neat to see them all in there natural environment. We literally took HUNDREDS of pictures. My Aunt joked with me that we got 3 times the pictures of crocodiles than Abby Kate (she was right). Thursday was the perfect non-traditional Thanksgiving. The boys went deep sea fishing and we stayed at the villa and got to see monkeys super close to the villa. We watched them for an hour play in the trees. Abby Kate was mesmerized! She could sound JUST like them and they would call back to her, which delighted her to no end. We had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner of lobster. YUMMY! I cannot say enough great things about the country and the place we stayed! If you ever are looking for a super special vacation, let me know. They provided a cook, maid/laundress and a guy to see to your needs. He made me fresh smoothies all day! It was SUCH a sweet place and the staff became like family by the end of the week. Abby Kate would exclaim, "Hola, Maria!" every morning. So fun!

But my favorite story of all....(I sent this to many of you reading in an email)

I cannot tell you of the depth of sweetness of this story. God has showed Himself strong, reminding us that nothing can TOUCH the King of Kings when He releases His blessings. It all started with us starting and completing the Daniel Fast. I wrote more about this on my blog so you can read more about it there but it truly was an intense 2 weeks of prayer and healing. Bobby said to me over and over that he felt it was the beginning of several miracles in our lives. Our marriage saw sweet healing, both of us saw an increase of self-control and a deepened desire for Christ alone. We then headed to Costa Rica. On Tuesday, we all got massages and I told them it was possible I was pregnant (because we have been trying for 6 months) so to take that into account when they did my massage.
The sweet Costa Rican lady that was doing my body scrub slowly started rubbing the scrub into my tummy and then started speaking quickly in spanish. There was one lady who spoke english who walked over and confidently said, "She says you're pregnant. Congratulations!" They even went as far as to say I could not have a certain kind of facial because, "You are pregnant." Needless to say, I could not wipe the smile of hope from my face the entire time. I was not due to start until Thursday so I waited until Thanksgiving morning to take the test. The line began to show up and I started to sob. I just sat on the cold tile pouring out my heart to the One who lavishes such sweet blessings upon the undeserving.
We then returned home Friday night and got to tell Bobby's family. On Saturday morning, my sweet mother-in-love asked me to come back to the bedroom. She pulled out a package and it was a wooden sign that said "For this child, I have prayed." She had bought it last week after feeling in her spirit, this was the month!
What incredible shouts of affirmation to these weary hearts. I will confess the hardest thing has been admitting to God I was too tired to guard my heart. I completely entrusted Him with it where I know He will keep it safe...no matter what. I truly can say as dark and has hard as this last year and half has been, I would walk it all again to know Him as I do now. He has been such a peace supplier, joy giver, pain healer, Redeemer, Friend, Protector, giver of good gifts, abundantly faithful, patient and full of His famous love. I am so thankful that He has allowed me to experience His love for myself.

We had an appointment scheduled to see a fertility specialist last Thursday (another fun sign that He is the final authority, creator and healer) but went to my OB instead and we got to see the sweet one, in my uterus! HUGE blessing due to past ectopic. We have another appointment next Thursday and we will hopefully see a yolk sac and heartbeat (the last pregnancy we had a gestational sac but not a yolk sac so PLEASE pray for this!) as I will be 6 weeks.
All of this to say, we covet your prayers. For this precious life to be sustained and born healthy with a tender heart for his/her Savior from birth. For our hearts, that God would seal them and keep them soft and pliable. That we would continue to experience His sweet presence and incredible power. Thank you JESUS! A precious gift at the most exciting time of the year!

Updates-a-plenty!

2008-11-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

It seems I go on spurts with this thing. I get so excited to see my friend's blogs updated. My friend, Christina, had not updated since June and I almost fell out of my chair to see a new post! They had SO much happen in 5 months! Of course, I knew it all because she is one of my best friends and I talk to her weekly but still. I loved seeing it. And here I am, having gone several weeks and I feel I have so much to update. So here goes.

One of the biggest things was our church did a corporate Daniel Fast the past 14 days. I tell you that to say, if I was just fasting, I would not share this information. But because it was a corporate fast, I feel I can share these things and give glory to God through it. Many of you asked what a Daniel Fast was and you can get tons of information by googling it. But in short, in the book of Daniel in the Old Testament, Daniel was one of the king's chosen men. They were given all the king's choice foods and wines. This was a problem for Daniel because these foods had been consecrated to other gods. Daniel asked to be given only vegetables and water for 10 days and then for them to see if he was not as healthy and strong as the other men who had eaten the king's food. So in short, this fast is mimicking loosely Daniel's choice. It is eating fruits, vegetables, whole grains and lots of water and juice. No preservatives, no chemicals, no sugar or flour. Now, those of you that know me know what a stretch this was. My sweet husband is a true Southerner. He loves his fried foods, his meat and potatoes. I have learned to cook these things and as a result, have fallen in love with them as well. And I love my carbs. I could literally live on pasta and bread the rest of my life and be as happy as a clam. Imagine my glee when I found whole wheat pasta! All that to say, this fast was such a sweet time of stretching for us. Our pastor encouraged us to talk through and pray about 4 areas of our lives, identifying specifics. Personal, our family, our nation and our church. Bobby and I had sweet conversation the Sunday before the fast (election week) and determined several specific things in which to pray. We both recognized our lack of self control in so many areas of our life and made it one of our specifics to pray about. So all that said, let me just say, if you have never fasted, I would do a Biblical study regarding fasting. Even if it is just looking up fasting in your concordance and reading what the Bible has to say. Many can claim this is unhealthy. If you are worried about health, try this Daniel Fast. It does nothing but cleanse your body. I truly believe having now completed it, God calls us to fast not only to draw nearer to Him but also because our bodies need a break. There will be many things after having completed a fast that you realize you never want in your body again.

I felt this fast was so intentional. I had read tons of things on ovarian cysts that pointed to eating organically and heavy with fruits and vegetables and whole grains as a way of reducing/eliminating cysts. But more importantly, I knew God was calling me into a time of intense prayer and need. The first 5 days were horrible. My body was detoxing and I had horrible headaches. I just kept praying that God would sustain me. By day 6, my body evened out. On day 7, my flesh kicked in. I was ticked. I wanted to quit. I wanted GOOD FOOD! I was cranky and hateful and frustrated. I wondered why I felt far from God. That night, I went to bed and got out my Bible and looked up fasting. I read this....

3 "Why have we fasted, but You have not seen? ^(B)
    We have denied ourselves, but You haven't noticed!" ^[b]
    "Look, you do as you please on the day of your fast,
    and oppress all your workers. ^(C)

    4 You fast [with] contention and strife
    to strike viciously with [your] fist.
    You cannot fast as [you do] today,
    [hoping] to make your voice heard on high.

    5 Will the fast I choose be like this:
    A day for a person to deny himself,
    to bow his head like a reed,
    and to spread out sackcloth and ashes? ^(D)
    Will you call this a fast
    and a day acceptable to the LORD?

*I saw this to mean complaining, wanting everyone to know, wanting praise for fasting rather than using it as a time to consecrate yourself before the Lord. SO CONVICTING!

    6 Isn't the fast I choose:
    To break the chains of wickedness, ^(E)
    to untie the ropes of the yoke,
    to set the oppressed free,
    and to tear off every yoke? ^(F)

    7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, ^(G)
    to bring the poor and homeless into your house,
    to clothe the naked when you see him, ^(H)
    and to not ignore ^[c] your own flesh [and blood]? ^(I)

    8 Then your light will appear like the dawn,
    and your recovery will come quickly. ^(J)
    Your righteousness will go before you, ^(K)
    and the LORD's glory will be your rear guard. ^(L)

    9 At that time, when you call, the LORD will answer; ^(M)
    when you cry out, He will say: Here I am.
    If you get rid of the yoke from those around you, ^[d]
    the finger-pointing and malicious speaking, ^(N)

    10 and if you offer yourself ^[e] to the hungry,
    and satisfy the afflicted one,
    then your light will shine in the darkness, ^(O)
    and your night will be like noonday

After reading this, I was so convicted. Bobby and I spent the week lamenting about how much we wished we could have _______. We determined to not complain but continue to petition and when we felt hungry or unsatisfied, to pray. And these are the things I learned from the fast.

1. My flesh is used to getting whatever it wants. I rarely deny myself anything. Weight has never been an issue for me and my family had plenty financially so I had not learned the important process of denial. It really is shaping.

2. When your flesh is actually being denied something it wants, your truest self shows. And it is ugly. I realized how truly separate my flesh and spirit is. It is easy to try to intermingle to two but I realized why so many times in the Bible it says to deny yourself, to take off your old self and put on the new, to be crucified with Christ. Our flesh is wicked and sinful and hateful at its core. That is why we need a Savior.

3. A lack of self control can play out in ALL areas of life. I was fooling myself to think it was only a few. After 2 weeks of fasting, our marriage is truly healing, I am more intentional as a mother, I am aware of what I put in my mouth and what comes out of it. I realized so much of the struggle in our marriage was because of our lack of self control.

4. Drawing near to God and being specific and intentional in your prayer time leaves room for Him to work and you to be able to specifically see an answer. And intercessory prayer is so vital to your relationship to Christ. He desires for us to have "heartfelt compassion" for others and to accept one another and to forgive. This is impossible without bringing others before Him in your prayer time.

5. Journaling your prayers is such a needed process. Jen Hatmaker in her book, Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study, eloquently puts it this way, "Journaling becomes a written legacy of your conversations with God as He leads you through His word. Besides new understanding, authentic journaling includes questions, frustrations, arguments, struggles and doubts-- the components of a real relationship."

Okay, other crazy happenings. We leave in 3 days for 8 days in Costa Rica. I know I mentioned that but I am a smidge excited. However, a slight wet blanket was realizing through the CDC that we are traveling to an area with a malaria risk. The owner of the villas say that is a blanket warning and that they have had no occurrences but we are debating taking anti-malarial drugs. If any of you have travelled internationally, especially with children, I would love your input on this. All that to say, whether we choose to take the meds or not, we would love your prayers for protection.

And, on Saturday, AK and I went into her playroom and I stepped onto the carpet and realized it was sitting in 3 inches of water. Our hot water tank is in a closet next to this room and the drain had overflowed due to a clogged pipe in our sink. We tore the carpet out (it is drying) as well as the soggy pad and prayerfully, a new pad and our carpet will be replaced on Friday. It was a fiasco though! Thank goodness for Dave Ramsey suggesting an emergency fund!

And AK came down with croup over the weekend so we would love your prayers for her healing before we leave the country. LOVE you each and hope you have SUCH a blessed Thanksgiving!

Awakening...

2008-11-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

What an incredible past few days. There is so much I am learning. So much I have seen.
I awoke on Sunday super early, due to the fact that our girl did not observe daylight savings time. I spent a little time on the net reading and saw a girl I knew of through one of my dearest friends, had been killed in an accident, leaving her pastor husband and nursing 2 month old. We then got to church and our pastor tearfully shared of a new member, 33, who had suddenly died of a blood clot in her lung...leaving her husband and 10 year old son. We spent sweet time in prayer for this family as a corporate Body and I felt the Truth hammering into my heart.
The night before, I had read the scripture, “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked. So I advise you to buy gold from me—gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. Also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see. I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference.
“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. Revelation 3:15-20
We literally ARE NOT promised tomorrow. Two women, within years of my age, tragically leaving behind precious children and grieving husbands. I felt God calling to my heart. "Come out of your lukewarmness. You think you have it all together. Yet you still are trying to love both me and the world. It is not possible! You have been called to be set apart. I have been correcting you, disciplining you, because I love you. I have continued to stand at your door and knock. Turn away from your indifference. Come back to your first love. You don't have long. None of you have long"
I truly believe we are living in precarious times. Times that call for passion. Distinction. I have heard so many Christians stating fear regarding this election. OUR GOD IS STILL ON THE THRONE! However, I truly believe we are moving into a time that we as believers are being called to the mat. To quit strattling the fence and to stand firmly. We have lived in a country where Christianity was simply a heritage, not a choice. It has been easy most of the time. We can cart a label yet not feel different. But I really believe God is calling us into the fire. We may be in a time where we are reaping the consequences of a sinful nation. That does not mean He is not in control. Just simply that Christians will have to come apart from the label and determine if we are ready to battle. I, for one, am so glad I am on the side that WINS!
Our Pastor posted a great piece on his blog by Mark Driscoll about the election and these times. You can read it at http://alexhimaya.wordpress.com/

Vote!

2008-11-02T14:02:00.001-08:00

Ramblings

2008-10-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

Sweet childhood friend Whitney!

My Nannie!!

All my girl cousins and I pledged the same house as our Nannie. Here is our Theta pic. In case you are wondering, we are making kites, our symbol, with our hands. Haylee, the newest member taught me that!

Here is our "missing Lauren" pic. Our other cousin just moved to NYC and we missed her! She is a Theta too so here is our missing you Lauren picture! I love my Nannie's face! Makes me giggle!

*My sweet sis-in-law Ashley! I realized from these pics I must start lining the bottom lash line again. I had gone to just my top but have not liked any recent pic of myself and now I realize that is what it is!
You all are going to straight up giggle at the end of this post. It is going to be the most random hodge podge of information you have read today. But nevertheless, my sweet child yelled and sang at the top of her lungs until about 20 minutes ago so now I am promised a few precious hours of silence to which I can update you on our lives....

SO I tried to tackle a few tasks as she yelled and sang at the top of her lungs (FOR 2 HOURS!!) the did not require my complete attention, because I am shamed to admit, though a veteran Mom, I am still a little rattled by all the noise. So I just cleaned out my shamelessly cluttered closet and moved my summer things to the attic and my winter things down in light that we are forecasted (spell check says that forecasted is not a word, but I like it) a yummy cold front to arrive tonight! YIPPEE! My arms are like noodles right now.

I am putting of the task that has been screaming for my attention for weeks now, which is about 50 pieces of clothes just waiting to be ironed (that is a gross underestimation, sadly). I HATE IRONING!!!!! I am trying to tempt myself into setting up my ironing board and watching Ugly Betty that I dvr-ed last week which sipping and snacking on something yummy. Sounds fun, yes?? Sob, NOPE! Not to me either! But I WILL DO it! You all hold me accountable. I will do it right after I finish rambling!

We went to OSU Homecoming this last weekend and had a BALL. I wrote about it on AK's blog so you can mosey over there are read and see more pictures. I really did have a wonderful time. I got to relax a bit and share sweet conversation which always energizes me! I sure missed my Grumpies though. He would have loved having us all together. And watching AK fall in love with his (and mine) beloved alma mater. Sigh....

As for the tests, so many of you sweetly checked on me. Basically, we got the news we dreaded. Lots of cysts on my only ovary and unknown fluid in my pelvic cavity. But after some tears, I surrendered it and prayed intently for healing. He knows best. I am so glad I can trust Him. I have read that diet greatly impacts ovarian cysts so I have altered my diet significantly. God alone is healing but I also believe he convicted me of what is going in my body and has used that as well. I have experienced significantly less pain this month which is so exciting to me. I have eliminated sugar, caffeine, dairy and most carbs. I know. It is really sad. I ADORE food. This really has been one of the hardest things I have done. God convicted me a while back about my lack of self-control and this is really testing/growing it. I am trying to drink tons of water as well. So pray for me on that!

Abby Kate has been a trip lately! Gosh that girl! Parenting her has been the hardest and most fun thing I have done. She has been hard lately in some respects. She does NOT want to get dressed in the morning (wants to wear her jammies!) and only happily complies when she picks it out (HELLO?! A sleeveless dress does not work in 60ish degree weather!). I let her when it does not matter and we go to the mat on other days which leaves me exhausted. We are also really working on not interrupting. I got a great tip last night to have her rest her hand on her leg and to put my hand on top of it to let her know I acknowledge she is there until I can finish the conversation. She has been really bad about it lately. She wants attention NOW! I want her to learn to respect others by not interrupting and to also learn self control in waiting.

She is semi potty-trained. She goes whenever I take her to the bathroom and some days will wear panties all day and have no accidents and then others, she insists on diapers. I was assured today this was normal. Seems like all the stories I heard, though, were they got it one day and it was done! Oh well, I am super proud of her! She loves hearing me say it and will quickly prompt me if I don't! "Mommy is SOOOO proud of you!!!!!???" Until she hears me say it excitedly. She is a words of affirmation girl just like me praise God! (I know Gary Chapman, you really can't tell that until they are older!)

We are prepping for our Costa Rica trip that will be here in mere weeks! I am giddy excited! If you have tips for traveling a long distance with toddlers, I would love to hear it!

My mother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece will be here Thursday through the weekend and we plan lots of fun stuff, including a visit to the pumpkin patch so stay tuned to Abby Kate's blog for pics!

Finally, I am leaving you with one of my favorite dishes of all time! I always order it when I get to rarely visit a Le Madeleine. I found the recipe online and was giddy excited. Ignore the fact that it has many of my taboo foods. I may reward myself soon! Enjoy!

La Madeleine's Creamy Pesto Chicken

MAKES: 4 Servings

1 pkg chicken tenders

2 whole mushrooms

1/2 cup sun-dried tomatoes

2 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp butter (s)

1/2 cup heavy cream (s)

1/2 cup shredded Parmesan cheese (s)

1/4 tsp salt (s)

1/4 tsp black pepper (s)

2 pkt pesto sauce mix (s)

bow-tie pasta

Pesto Cream Sauce:

[note: all ingredients marked with an (s) are for this sauce]

1. Mix pesto packets according to instructions.

2. Melt butter in sauce pan over medium high heat. Add heavy cream and bring to a boil. When bubbles are at max height, sprinkle in Parmesan cheese to knock down bubbles. Reduce heat to to med-low and cook, stirring constantly.

3. Continue to stir, scraping the bottom and sides as cheese melts and sauce thickens to desired consistency. Add salt, pepper, and then gradually stir in pesto mix until thoroughly blended.

Main Dish:

1. Chop tenders into bite-sized pieces and slightly brown in skillet with olive oil. Slice mushrooms and sun-dried tomatoes and add to skillet. Add additional olive oil to keep moist, if necessary.

2. Stir in pesto cream sauce mixture. Thoroughly mix until all ingredients are hot and ready to eat. Serve over bow-tie pasta.

Fun News!

2008-10-13T09:45:00.001-07:00

Check Abby Kate's blog for some fun news!

Prayer....

2008-10-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

I have the most dear people in my life. Really. Even those of you I don't talk to often. I am so blessed. It is one thing that makes me feel charmed. I have always had such an army of precious people in my life. They have poured into my life in each new stage, claiming another piece of my heart and teaching me more. It is one thing I daily pray for Abby Kate. That she will have people in her life that encourage and inspire her and point her to Him. I truly have been so blessed!

So thank you each for praying for us. Thank you for your emails, your calls, your prayers. I know many of you read this and then pray. Thank you. Thank you for asking for specifics lately. Even in my new discoveries, authenticity often brings vulnerability which is still a bit hard for me. But I realized today, I covet your prayers more than I care about being vulnerable. So here it goes...

I went to my OB a little over a month ago. She did a ton of blood work and found out my progesterone was super low. She started me on a really high dose last month. We did not get pregnant.

However, there is some positive to it. Since my first miscarriage (which was ectopic), I have had moderate to severe pain in my right side. I have always associated it will bad pregnancies but it has been consistently painful the past 3 months. Thursday, they are doing a stone study (kidney stones), a scan of my gallbladder and then a cat scan of my abdomen. If all of that is clear, Dad wants to do a colonoscopy (gag). I have a super high pain tolerance and the pain has been terrible at times so I know something is going on. 2 months ago, they did another ultrasound and found tons of cysts on my ovary which also could be causing the pain. My prayer is that they find something Thursday that is easily treatable. I pray it is NOTHING to do with my reproductive system. I already know it will be a struggle not to worry or fear when we get pregnant again. I do not want this pain in my side to add fuel to the fire. We are both still hopeful and not despairing. It seems God has put a precious bubble around us, keeping us safe and at peace. We are so thankful!

We also are continuing to seek His will. We have felt a call to adoption even before the miscarriages so we both have wondered if God is trying to show us our child is out there needing us NOW rather than in our time frame (which was have all of our biological children and then adopt). Please pray for wisdom and clarity in this as well.

We are continuing to pray that God's will be done in our lives. We know He has a plan, one that will bring a hope and a future and we trust it is better than ours. Thank you again for praying. We know He hears us!

Fireproof

2008-10-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

Bobby and I heard about this movie and could not wait to see it. Our sweet sister Ashley watched Abby Kate so we could go on a date. I just simply cannot say anything more than...Go see it, please. We are beginning the Love Dare. We left the movie so deeply touched, so convicted, so inspired. Even if you have had an easy marriage from day one, I do think this will touch you. I adore the idea that love is something so much more than what we have accepted as a culture. I do believe the principles displayed in this movie could change our world if applied to marriages. PLEASE, go see it. I am including the trailer, to hear it without my music playing in the background, scroll down to the player at the bottom and hit pause or stop. Then you can hit play on the GodTube player.

Fragility

2008-09-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

I have been deeply thinking a lot lately. So much so that my output of words has decreased dramatically and my thoughts often seem frantic, scanning across the back of my eyes at a dizzying rate. I cannot turn my brain down. I lay in bed, waking several times a night, unable to stop the barrage of thoughts clamoring for my attention. I am weary, tired, hormone laden and desperately battling my will to keep moving forward. One of my favorite lines in a song refers to the Israelites exodus from slavery. It beautifully states and perfectly sums up where I am standing,

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked, but the future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned, and those roads were closed off to me when my back was turned." -Sara Groves

I was sweeping one day last week, thinking about the simplicity of the task, the feeling of completion and satisfaction upon its completion. Realizing how lazy I have become.

I sound depressed don't I? I really am not. I am just continuing to let go of all I have juggled. I am wiggling around in my new world of freedom. Realizing my worth to Christ has nothing to do with my performance. It is rocking. The stillness, the silence is startling. All the balls I have attempted to keep in the air are falling hard around me. Oh the strangeness. I desperately want to pick them back up. I want to keep trying.

But the beauty of it all is that as the packaged, carefully crafted self is being crucified, I am seeing myself for the first time. A daughter created from fear and wonder. I feel like a colt, testing my legs for the first time. I still am clumsy, and strange. Unsure of this new me. The insecurities, the expectation, the fear BE QUIET! I want to walk soundly with His hand in mine. I want to quiet the voices that still scream "GET BACK IN THE GAME! YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL! THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BE PLEASED WITH YOU! YOU ARE GOING TO FORFEIT BLESSING IF YOU QUIT! " While the Holy Spirit quietly whispers "Hush. We love you just the way you are. Quit trying. We have never been more pleased. Rest. Let us minister to your hurting heart. Quit denying its existence. Yes, we have a plan. I promise. This pain will not be wasted. Your faith is being refined. The process is hard. But the gold is coming forth and the dross is dripping away. "

This fragility is so hard. Our pastor spoke of femininity a few weeks ago and spoke of who God intended when he made woman. A completer. That is pretty powerful but when femininity is challenged, we go one of two ways. We either harden and attempt to control everything, pushing away intimacy. Or we become needy. Both are not in God's design for us. It is so hard to be open to love. Completely free.

But....whisper...I have a secret....I just heard it truly for the first time...I have realized that there is only One trustworthy. Our problems arise when we put others on the throne of adoration in our hearts. When we give others expectations that only a perfect God could meet. When as a woman...our worth, our identity is seen through His eyes, the glory He intended when He created woman is beautifully shining. You can't help but feel beautiful, and cherished and loved. And the fragility that was so evident before becomes non existent because the only One you are trusting with your heart is TRUSTWORTHY. I will say it again, He is trustworthy. All sufficient. Always with us.

Ahhhh, the beauty of resting. The thrill of letting go. Try it. I dare you.

The Power of the Tongue...

2008-09-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

I have always known my battle with my tongue. It can get me in trouble faster than any other member of my body. James 3:8-11 says " No one can tame the tongue; it is a restless [undisciplined, unsettled, unable to be restrained] evil and full of deadly poison." So much of my sin is committed by opening my mouth. I have been so convicted of this lately. My pride, my selfishness, my insecurity, my fears all flow from me. I also really struggle with self-control, which is simply NOT a good combination. So here are a few of the things that I have been convicted of regarding my tongue.

1. I am to be a woman of my word. Matthew 5:37 says "Let your yes be yes and your no be no." I want to be known as a woman of commitment, a woman who always honors her word. I struggle with just being non-committal and I have blamed it on my husband, who takes his time making decisions, but he is not the culprit.

I especially struggle with this as a mother. So often I will tell Abby Kate, "just a minute" or "we can do that in a little while" while later, not following through. I want to raise children who honor their word. I must set the example, even in the smallest things.

2. I want to encourage with my tongue. I love this verse! It has SUCH convicting commandments. It takes me loads of time to digest every time I study it. Ephesians 4:29-32 (AMP) says 29Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor) to those who hear it.

30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [do not offend or vex or sadden Him], by Whom you were sealed (marked, branded as God's own, secured) for the day of redemption (of final deliverance through Christ from evil and the consequences of sin).

31Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind).

32And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.

How much meat there is in that passage! How different our world would be if we let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouth and only spoke when it was good and beneficial and gave blessing and grace to those who heard it. I am REALLY going to work on this. I want to speak LIFE, not curses over others. I want my heart to overflow with genuine affection and interest. I want my words to encourage and inspire rather than tear down.

It seems to be the hardest to those closest to me. I am really going to work on my words spoke to and before Abby Kate and Bobby.

3. I want to speak scripture over Abby Kate. Deut. 6:6 says “These words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. And you shall bind them as a sign upon your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

I so desire to follow this command! I am doing a study where the author talks of speaking scripture over her children when she tucks them in at night. With my toddler, she doesn't lay still very often so if you have ideas on how to do this, I would love to hear them!

Lessons...

2008-08-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

I have been kicking this post around for days in my mind. This is how I have always known in some form, I was born to write. When I have significant occurrences in my life, I always write out my thoughts mentally, until I process through what is necessary. In my quest to be authentic, this post may be somewhat messy and hard to read but I want to be honest and share what God is doing. So here goes.

I continue to be baffled with this infertility nightmare. Both with a desperate desire to understand my body and what is causing pain and infertility and with the whys of the delay. See, I completely, 100% believe we will have more biological children. I also am far from despair. However, some of the consequences of this delay are getting to me. Like Abby Kate getting a month older each time the pregnancy test shows only one line. And realizing yesterday that she will be going to Kindergarten around the same time this next child becomes old enough to really play with her. And having yet another due date pass. And seeing my husband become more and more saddened. And feeling the weight of trying and then trying not to worry. But I am certain that God does not waste pain so I am sure this trial has come with great purpose for us.

So here I am, trying to figure out the whys.

And perhaps that will never be revealed, but here are some of the things I am learning.

1. Generational sin stops here.

I ran into a precious couple at a wedding a few weeks ago. They had heard we were pregnant and asked if it was going to be a boy or a girl (I was wearing an empire waist bubble dress...NEVER AGAIN!) and I laughed and said I was not pregnant but quickly told them I had miscarried a few times. They were so sweet and shared of their struggle to conceive their son who was 4 years younger than their first. She shared that she really believed that delay for them was so they could pray through some generational sins and break free from them so they would not be passed down. Great insight and something Bobby and I are praying through as well.

2. A strengthened marriage.

We are currently doing a Bible study called Growing Kids God's Way that has been incredible. One of the things we have learned is how foundational and essential a strong marriage is to a child. So much of their security and identity comes from seeing their Mom and Dad interact. This is where they see love modeled. They shared through this study that if there is a lot of conflict in the home, a child as young as 18 months will sense it and can act out to try to unify the parents. They suggest having 5-15 minutes of couch time, to show your children that they come second to our marriage and to allow them to see quality time played out (we usually have that time after she is asleep thus never allowing her see us together as husband and wife rather than Mommy and Daddy). They warn that the child will act out at first (she does) but it will eventually bring her great comfort to know that Mommy and Daddy are in love and are not going to go anywhere or rock her world.

Bobby and I have sought help, as well as consistently prayed through conflict in our marriage. We have had to learn and relearn how to communicate, how to resolve conflict, how to best love the other. We are still FAR from perfect but have truly come so far from where we began. One thing I now share with every newly engaged girl or newlywed that welcomes advice is if I had it to do all over again, I would work extra hard at esteeming my husband. One thing we learned through counseling is men and women have many needs, but ultimately, men need to be affirmed and women need undivided, quality listening. As a woman, we are guilty of putting off affirmation for numerous reasons. Like thinking, "well, why should I thank him for working? It is what he is supposed to be doing." or "I am not going to say anything because it may lead to sex and I am way too tired." or "I am not going to say anything because it is just going to give him a big head and begin to take and never give back."

Bobby had become an expert at appearing like he needed nothing. He was aloof during conflict as if it was not touching him AT ALL while I was a weeping mess. I thought early on that he was a confident monster while I felt like a needy wreak. But over time, I recognized his actions as coping mechanisms and that he was truly as insecure as I was. If I had affirmed early on, the walls we are still trying to take down would have never been erected in the first place. I now know that he will GO TO THE MOON AND BACK if I just affirm him.

And I would try to squash my expectations and as we vowed at our wedding, "accept him as God's perfect gift for me." Expectations are founded in selfishness. It is what we think we deserve and if they are not met, frustration almost always occurs. I would try to expect little and love big.

3. God is an abundant lover, no matter what I do.

I have ran. I have wept. I have despaired. I have quit reading my Bible and prayed little. I have spent a lifetime trying to perform in order to receive blessing. I recently felt God clearly say to me, "come and rest." And I began to experience His love in a new way. Because before, I was always the good girl, doing what was expected of a Christian. I responded well. I attempted to jump through the right hoops. So when blessing came, somewhere deep, it felt expected. And now His extravagant grace has been heaped upon my life and though my heart's desire has not been given, I know it is coming. And I know this wait will be for not. WHAT JOY!

My friend Whitney posted on her blog a while back this precious quote that has been a battle cry for me. It has given me strength when I felt nothing. Hope it blesses you where you are as it has blessed me.

"THERE IS NOTHING- no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until first of all it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with A GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not understand at the moment. But as I REFUSE to become panicky, I LIFT UP MY EYES TO HIM; AND ACCEPT IT as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart. No sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, and no circumstance will cause me to fret FOR I SHALL REST IN THE JOY OF WHAT MY LORD IS--That is the "rest of Victory."

Doubt

2008-08-26T05:50:00.001-07:00

We are back! We had such a great time and will post more about it on Abby Kate's blog. Including pictures. But last night, I came across this amazing statement on doubt. It deeply touched me and so I thought I would share.

"If faith never encounters doubt, if truth never struggles with error, if good never battles with evil, how can faith know its own power? In my own pilgrimage, if I have to choose between a faith that has stared doubt in the eye and made it blink, or a naive faith that has never known the firing line of doubt, I will choose the former every time." -Gary Parker in The Gift of Doubt

Prayer....

2008-08-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hi dear ones. I wanted to write one last post before we leave. We are heading out (AK and I) for 12 days and Bobby will join us for most of it. So just to let you know, it will be quiet on our blog fronts and my email.

I have wanted to write this post for a while. One of my favorite things to ask other parents is the question, "what do you pray for your children?" I have been humbled, encouraged and inspired by the answers I have received. I almost always begin including their answers in my prayers for Abby Kate. So here is the question, what do you consistently pray for your children?

Here are my daily prayers for Abby Kate and our future children...

*that she will recognize Jesus as her Savior at a young age

* that she will be filled with the Spirit and bear fruit

* that she will be a woman of Christ-like character, a woman of compassion, a woman of contentment and a woman of conviction

* that she will have influence in the lives of others

* that she will be surrounded by people who can encourage and inspire her and point her to Christ

* that she will live a life about knowing Him and making Him known

* that she will have a supernatural hunger for the Word and that she will hide it in her heart

* that she will be emotionally and physically pure until she marries and the same for her husband

* that she will seek first His Kingdom and righteousness and that everything else will be added to her

I cannot wait to hear yours and have new, insightful things to add to mine! Love you each...

Me! Me!

2008-08-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

I just saw that I was tagged by Sadie to do this meme!

Here is how it works...

First, share 7 facts about yourself. Next, tag people at the end of your blog by leaving their name and a link to their blog. Last, let them know they’re tagged by leaving a link in their blog.

1. I have broken my nose 3 times.

2. I have had to be picked up at the police station by my Daddy.

3. I truly believe Sonic makes a better Diet Coke than anywhere else

4. I backpacked in Europe

5. I have been stranded in the middle of no where without electricity for 6 days (in the freezing cold).

6. I took English riding lessons

7. I hope to be a published author some day

So here are those I am tagging!

Sarah

Katie

Nancy

Home makeover completion pictures!

2008-08-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

Old Living Room

New Kitchen

New Shade!

My favorite new chair Bobby got me for mothers day

New living room...not much has changed but the new curtains and ceiling color

Old Kitchen

FINALLY! Remember that post SEVERAL months ago about our projects? Well, they are FINALLY finished. We ended up painting our living room too which had not been in the original plan and we ended up HATING it. We painted it a cream to try to lighten it and make it feel more cottage-y. However, it ended up feeling really yellow. So months later, we repainted it back to hopsack (gasp!) and left the ceiling cream which I love. We got new panels and I feel like it softened the room. We decided on a green instead of blue for the kitchen and I love it too! The shade over my sink is new as you can see and I adore it! The material was only $12/yard!

So all I have left it touching up the ceiling! YEA! I am so ready to not paint for YEARS. But I am so glad it is finished and am so pleased!

Its our Anniversary!

2008-08-03T13:56:00.000-07:00

6 whole years. 6 years of daily deciding it was worth it. 6 years of fighting and making up. 6 years of learning to serve and compromise. 6 years of laughter and tears. 6 years of dreams and disappointments and discovery.

I married a man my polar opposite. He is country, I love the action of a city. He is slow, I do everything quickly. I love a good story, he will not exaggerate the smallest detail. He loves boots, I love heels. He loves an action packed vacation, I love a great book and the ocean.

But the longer I am married to him, the more I realize...we are more alike than we think. Or perhaps we love each other enough that we want the other's dreams for our own. I now want to someday curl up on our front porch swing in the country, sharing a cup of hot coffee and praying for our grandchildren. I want to be honest to the core, just like him. I want to be touched easily, just like him.

And most importantly, I am daily seeing why God chose him for me. He is discerning and strong and wise. He upholds me when I come apart. He points me to the Savior when I get out of line. He makes (and likes to make) me happy. He works harder than anyone I know and loves to serve. He can be tough but I feel privileged to be the one to see him with the walls down every day. I love that he cannot pray without getting teary. I love that He is a man of honor. I love that he has integrity and will not try to explain away faults. I love that he never holds a grudge. I love that he never walks away when it is hard. I love that he still pursues me.

I am so deeply blessed. Thank you, Father, for this man that you daily work on and his letting you. Thank you for placing him beside me to serve beside. I am better because of him. But you knew that. Thank you.

Another Favorite Things....

2008-08-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

Well, through all heaviness that has been my life lately, I thought it was high time for another light-hearted post. Now you all know these are my favorite kinds. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to shop and love finding new, inexpensive things that work well. So here are a few and I will add more without the pictures since blogger limits me to 5 pictures.

Picture #1. Suave Firming Lotion. Okay, so I hate to admit this, but I was seriously looking for the cheapest lotion. I mean anything that would keep my legs from looking like Godzillas and I happened upon this little concoction. And I am in love. It smells wonderful, and I can actually tell a difference in my problem areas. Not bad for summer. Wal-Mart had rolled back the price on this too. Try it. It is great.

Picture #2. The Simply Shabby Chic blanket. Aghhh....So we moved Abby Kate to a big girl bed about a month ago and I did her bedding in the simply shabby chic line from Target. I usually don't shop at Target but could not find inexpensive bedding that I liked. I LOVE her bedding. It is soft and feminine. This blanket is HEAVENLY. Seriously, the softest thing I have ever felt. My girl and I have a thing for textures and she sighs every time she gets in bed and says, "oooh, fluffy." It is fluffy indeed. Hers is in a soft pink but it comes in white and cream.

Picture #3. The Real Simple mop. Another wonder. It has a soft, furry top that pushes across tile like brushing butter on hot bread. It is wonderful. And an added bonus, the head comes off easily to toss in the washer for a clean start. Use with Pine Sol and get blissed out by the smell of clean. Ugh, is that weird?

Picture #4. Oh my sweet goodness. Wait until I tell you about these chips and the incredible salsa they put with them. They are from a place called Julio's in San Angelo, Texas. My cousin brought them to us when Grumpies died and they sent me to another place. A place of sweet deliciousness where self-control was not needed and music played softly. Oh. My. Goodness. They have all these spices and the salsa has the perfect hint of spice and agh!!! I want some! Sadly, they are not sold here so if you live in Texas and see them in a grocery store, have some mercy and send them to me! I will pay you!

Picture #5. The 5 gallon canister. I saw these at a friend's house and fell in love. Even better, they carry them at Wal-Mart. For like $5-$10. They are so cute. I got 6 of them. I have 3 on my island with tea bags, sugar and flour and one by my sink with treats for Abby Kate. I also have one in my laundry room and one in my pantry with whole wheat flour. They are so cute and functional!

6. Sonny Salt. A new seasoning Heather and Roy introduced us to that I have used on everything since....Roy made us stuffed mushrooms grilled that were to die for. I will ask him if I can share the secret recipe. *Spoiler....It includes Sonny Salt!

7. Charlie and Lola. Have you all watched this show? It is on Disney. On Saturdays and Sundays. My BFF Joce told me about this years ago when her daughter was little and now mine is smitten. It is based on books about a boy named Charlie and his little sister Lola. They are British. And so cute. They have Abby Kate speaking with an accent and saying things like, "Follow the path please!" and "Tidy, tidy, tidy!" It is hilarious. And I find myself looking forward to watching new episodes. Not like the Backyardigans phase when I wanted to tear my ears off due to over-watching.

Okay, I am tired. Enough for now. I know I have 20 others and if I think of more, I will post! But for now, try these! And I would love to read about your favorite things. If you are a blogger, you are one of my favorite things too and I will read yours! So post away everyone....

Grumpies

2008-07-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

Oh goodness. I have been putting off this post, not because of not wanting to do it. But because of the enormity of it. How to put my heart into words. But I have written to tribute before and this time is not different. It just still seems surreal. My Grumpies passed away 3 weeks ago. It still hits me and takes my breath away. I will never hear his melodic voice, be the receiver of his famous hugs, hear his infectious laugh again. But I am rejoicing. He is whole and well.

I was the first grandchild. I loved hearing Grumpies tell the story of the day I was born. To hear him talk of pacing. To hear he and Nannie tell of Debbie Boone singing "You Light up my Life" on the TV in the waiting room and it forever being "our song." Gosh, I am already crying. I just have always felt so treasured. So deeply special. So dearly loved by them.

My Grumpies was such a special man. That is literally putting it mildly. This was his obituary...

SHAWNEE, Okla. —

Haylor H. Fisher Jr. passed away at home Sunday, July 6, 2008.
Haylor was a third generation Shawnee native, the son of Haylor H. Fisher and Grace (Givens) Fisher.
Haylor married Nancy Browning in 1950. Their marriage produced his most treasured blessings, daughters Lynn, Karen, and Beth. The Fishers were active for years in the Emmanuel Episcopal Church in Shawnee, where he served two terms as Senior Warden. They are current members of St. Andrews Episcopal Church in Stillwater.
Haylor graduated from Shawnee High School in 1945, earning honors as an All State basketball player. However, he never got to play in the All-State game, because he reported to service in the U.S. Navy as a medical corpman.
At the completion of his service, Haylor attended Oklahoma A&M to earn his degree in Business Administration. He played basketball on scholarship, but was unable to complete his career due to his father’s illness. While at A&M he was a member of Kappa Sigma fraternity, serving as president. Haylor followed his grandfather as President of Home Federal Savings and Loan. While with Home Federal, Haylor became an active leader in the savings and loan industry. His firm merged with State Federal Savings and Loan where he remained until his retirement.
Throughout his active business career, Haylor always found time to provide service to the community. Haylor became actively involved in numerous civic and community activities as a young man and continued to be involved until he was physically unable. Haylor was recognized as Shawnee’s Outstanding Citizen of the Year and the U.S. Junior Chamber of Commerce recognized him as one of Oklahoma’s Outstanding Young Men. He was introduced into the Shawnee Education Foundation Hall of Fame. Shawnee Jaycees honored him as Boss of the Year.
Haylor’s many civic and community activities included the Shawnee Kiwanis Club, serving in every capacity of leadership including president and Lt. Governor of the Oklahoma-Texas district, president of the Shawnee Chamber of Commerce and two-term past president of the Oklahoma State Chamber of Commerce. He was a member of the Shawnee City Commission for eight years, president of the United Fund of Shawnee, president of the Shawnee YMCA, board member of the YMCA of the Rockies, recipient of the Outstanding Service to YMCA of the Rockies, President and trustee of the Shawnee Industrial Foundation.
Throughout the years, Haylor has continued to be a steadfast supporter of Oklahoma State University, where he served as president of the OSU Alumni Association.

Pretty incredible huh? But this lifetime of accomplishments cannot tell you who he really was. He was a champion for the weak. He was a charmer. He made everyone he met fell special by simply saying in his beautiful voice, "How do, how are you?" He was a deeply loyal Oklahoma State fan. He was a doting grandfather and father. He laughed until he cried. He lived for 7 years without legs and rarely complained. He loved to dance, even after the amputations. He had an exceptional memory and almost never forget a name. He believed. He loved a good story and was a great story teller. He battled diabetes for years but still loved food and chose well. He made amazing queso. He sneezed so loud, it almost made you wet your pants in fear. He could not sing, but always tried, loudly. He loved family. He taught me that posture and my height was beautiful by coyly saying, "Knockers up." He loved beautiful things. He was a true gentlemen. He had amazing work ethic. He carried handkerchiefs that smelled of pipe tobacco, though he had not smoked in years. He loved to surprise attack you with a "love pat" on the leg that left it stinging but you could not help but giggle uncontrollably while trying to get away. He had an incredible reputation. He loved those I loved simply because they were mine. He was my Grumpies....a man I will always miss. One whose impact on my life has shaped me more than I can say.

I know he is in Heaven. He is probably the loudest in the choir, while everyone is shaking their head. He is making his famous queso for the angels and they are all laughing with him as he tells his stories. Mostly, I know he heard "well done." And saw years of suffering fade away as he relished in hearing, "Come, I have prepared a place for you." And away he walked, fully restored on his long legs, hand in hand, with the God he loves.

Thank you Father, for giving us so many years with him. Many that doctors said were borrowed. He was so dearly loved. Thank you for using him and making him mine.

Cave Dweller....

2008-06-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

I have been a bit lighthearted in my posts lately. Perhaps because I have avoided the depth of my feelings regarding some parts of my life these days. Some are still too tender, too real to share on the internet. Some things are meant to be simply pondered. However, a fragment of it all is something, unfortunately, all too many women are sharing.

The dreaded infertility.

There are so many questions in my mind as to the whys. However, my forte is not science or research so I will hold my guesses as to why my generation is seeing such an influx of infertility. What a lonely journey. I am sharing this because, chances are, you have someone in your life facing this hideous adversary. Before my dance with it, I had many authentic friends share the pain and feelings accompanying it. I had incredible empathy. I can now transfer that to my own struggle and see why it deserves all you have and more to give to a friend facing it.

I am in a smaller boat. I have a child. So many facing this struggle are longing to experience pregnancy, hold a child in her arms that resembles her beloved and maybe a pinch of herself. Though the pain I feel is maybe diminished a bit, there is still the knowledge of how great it can be. And that adds salt. My body longs for pregnancy. To see my stomach swell. To fill my milk come in. To feel the sweet kicks of my child. To be able to rest my hand on my stomach and pray for what will be. I long to hold that precious child and to nurse and kiss and tell stories. To see Abby Kate become a sister. To watch her grow. To see her learn to share her time and energy. I feel so ready.

Perhaps the best description of this time is the verse, "hope deferred makes a heart sick." The most dreaded day for those facing infertility is when the period comes, the test has no positive line, no symptoms appear. And the worry and stress they tell you not to feel comes forth in barrels and you may dwell in it for a few days, or push it back or both. But it is no fun. I have many friends sharing this with me and to hear those few words, "I started." evokes such pain, sadness and hurt for my friend...sometimes I can barely stand it. It is such a strange commonality to share. However, it is strange that though there is comfort in the sharing, not much buoying. Thus my previous statement, it is a lonely journey.

So here are a few words of wisdom for you that have loved ones in your life facing this giant...

1. PRAY. Don't just say you will. Please be on your knees for these precious women. Pray for a product of the desire of their hearts. But what is more, pray for His precious peace, for strength, for intimacy with HIM, for the abundant blessings of healing. Pray for the protection of her marriage (it can get hard). Pray for wisdom.

2. Don't fear sharing your joys. I know how hard it is to share with a friend that is struggling that you are pregnant. You want so badly to be sensitive. To show you care. But though it is hard to hear, we would not wish this struggle on our worst enemy. We want to rejoice with you. Be sensitive but not apologetic.

3. Don't complain about your children or how easy it is for you to get pregnant. This is a hard one. We don't want you walking on eggshells but it is hard to hear when you are desperate for what they are complaining about. I got pregnant with Abby Kate unexpectedly. It was so easy. I laugh now thinking of all the crazy things that have to be in place for us to think it will work. What about all the girls getting pregnant in the back seat? Ironic but still reality. These realities play over and over in our minds so be sensitive.

4. Encourage. Show you are interested. Ask good questions. I know many are not as transparent as I am (I am TOO much) so know your friend as well. But for me, I feel loved when others ask and are willing to talk about it. Or simply write a note saying you are praying. Just knowing your heart it touched by what we are going through is huge.

Finally and personally, we are still clinging to a greater purpose. I have been doing Beth Moore's A Heart Like His in my personal quiet times and it is a study about David. One thing that hit me last night was that David spent years hiding in caves, trying to escape Saul's insane jealousy and desire to have him killed. He sat for days at time in these dark, damp, cavernous caves, waiting. But God etched HIS character upon David in those caves. David waited patiently, obediently for God to show Himself strong on his behalf. He knew God had better things for his life. He knew there would be beauty from ashes. So he waited and allowed God to shape him in the meantime. I want to be just like him. A modern day cave dweller. Please pray as I wait.

Recipes

2008-06-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

I posted a while back about gift ideas. I currently have 12 wedding invitations sitting on my desk and was reminded of my recipe album I made on shutterfly. I started thinking how fun it would be to share our favorite, tried and true recipes that serve as family favorites at your house. So I am going to include some of ours and would love to read yours. If you post recipes on your blog, please leave a comment. I think I read all of your blogs and check them daily but I may have missed a few so please let me know so I don't miss out. We LOVE food around here!

Here are mine....

Homemade Chicken and Dumplings

Water

1 stick butter

6 chicken bouillon cubes

4 chicken breasts

salt and pepper

Boil your water and add butter, bouillon and chicken, salt and pepper. Cook until chicken is finished. Pull out chicken and shred it, returning it to the pot. I usually let this cook for about 1 hour.

Dumplings

*there are 2 ways to make these in my opinion. I grew up eating drop dumplings and still prefer them. They are super easy. You just make them with bisquick.

2 1/4 cups of bisquick

2/3 cup milk

*the key is dropping them in the boiling broth and NEVER touching them. Let them be or they will fall apart. Once you drop them in, reduce heat and cook uncovered for 10 min and then cover and cook 1o min longer.

Now Bobby loves rolled dumplings. They are more time intensive and dense but great too.

2 cups all-purpose flour

2 t. baking powder

1 t. salt

1/3 cup shortening

2/3 cup of broth

Combine flour, baking powder, salt; cut shortening with a pastry blender (I use my Kitchen-Aid) until mixture is crumbly. Add reserved 2/3 cup broth, stirring with fork until dry ingredients are moistened. Turn dough onto lightly floured surface (I just a large cookie sheet so I don't have a mess on my counter) and knead lightly for 1 to 2 minutes. Roll dough to 1/8 inch thickness; cut dough into 2 inch squares.

drop dough into boiling broth one at a time. Cover, reduce heat and simmer 25-30 minutes.

Homemade bread

A book I was reading one time that was set in the 20s had a quote that said, "All good Mamas make their babies homemade bread." I remember thinking, that should still be true today! I love bread with ALL my heart and my precious girl has inherited that love. So I became determined to find the perfect homemade bread recipe. I tried several great ones but this is my favorite base recipe. I now bake a lot and try to have some baked goodies at least 1-2 times a week. Now I have a bread machine. It is fantastic and takes most of the muscle work out of the equation but if you don't have one, you knead where it says use bread machine.

1/2 cup water (70 to 80 degrees F)

1 cup warm milk (70-80 degrees)

2 T. butter, softened

2 T. sugar

1 1/2 t. salt

4 cups all-purpose flour

2 (.25 oz) packages of active dry yeast

1 egg white, beaten

In bread machine pan, place ingredients in order suggested by manufacturer (mine is liquids last). Select dough setting.

When cycle is completed, turn dough onto a lightly floured surface (again I use my cookie sheet).

Now here is the fun part. You can do anything with this dough at this point. I have done rolls, garlic bread, cinnamon rolls, and bread bowls. So separate your dough according to what you want to make. If it is rolls, divide into about 24 balls. If it is garlic bread, I shaped it into 2 long loaves and after it baked, mixed melted butter and garlic powder and brushed all over the top. For cinnamon rolls, divide into 2 and roll out dough. Melt butter and then sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar mixture and tightly roll up like a log. Cut the log into 2-3 in. rounds and place in baking dish. The bread bowls are my absolute favorite. I make huge bowls so I just divide the dough into 2 and shape large balls. I love it filled with creamy soups such as baked potato or broccoli cheddar. You just core the bread (be careful not to pierce the bottom) and pull out inside (like you would a pumpkin) and fill with soup. After you make whatever you desire, place on greased cookie sheet (or baking dish in the case of your cinnamon rolls). Cover and let rise in a warm place (turn my oven on and set them on top) until doubled, about 30 minutes. You can brush with egg whites to make your bread golden. Bake at 375 for about 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Cool on wire racks.

Fried Chicken

I get a zip-lock bag and put 2 cups of flour in it. Then season it with lots of salt, pepper, garlic salt and cavendars greek seasoning. I also season my chicken with the same seasonings before dropping it into the bag. Just shake the bag until all the chicken is coated. Then drop them into the fry daddy or hot oil (wait about 10 minutes) and take them out when the batter looks brown. It is yummy! Just a few little tips. I use a LOT of seasoning. You think you are over seasoning at first but so much is lost in the frying process. I use boneless, skinless breasts (frozen Great Value bag) and thaw them in hot water (this helps the flour stick). It took me lots of time to learn the art of perfect fried chicken. It is SO good!

Party Potatoes

1 can cream of mushroom

1 can cheddar cheese soup

1 can sour cream

½ cup butter (softened)

½ t. salt

1 package frozen hashbrowns

Combine all ingredients and pour into greased baking dish. Cook at 350 for 1 hour.

*great to serve with hamburgers!

I'm Back....

2008-06-10T05:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am not so consistent with this little guy. Sorry about that. I attempt to get pictures of Abby Kate up as often as possible on her blog but this one seems to fall by the wayside. I have things I want to post, I just get caught up...right now in the wonderfulness that is summer. I am willing the sun to come out today. I just want to hang out in our backyard in our swimsuits. I just love these lazy days! I told Bobby last night that for the first time in SO long, I am loving EVERY aspect of what I am doing.

So in terms of what we have been up to...

My sweet Granny passed away a week ago. I have so much I want to say about it and the words are jumbled and moving quickly though my mind. It was the first grandparent I have lost. And I am 30. Pretty incredible huh?

What a lady. We found out on Friday and B and I through together our things and headed out. On Saturday, we went to my Grandad's. He in normally a stoic man, dear, but not demonstrative. To see him so broken, so sad, truly about swept me under. They had been married for 67 years, retired for 33. They sat daily in matching recliners spending their days together. The void was too much for him I think. And my Granny was such a Proverbs 31 woman. Quiet, gentle, with a genuine servant's heart. She was the very best cook on earth. My Aunt told me over that weekend that my Granny would take 2 vacation weeks a year. One to feed the hay hands on the week they baled hay and the other to can. It so reminds me of the scripture, "15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." Can you imagine us modern women doing that?

So we spent a weekend on their farm on the hill, just being together. I will say, though it was so hard and sad, it was one of the sweetest weekends I can remember. On Monday night, the night before the funeral, we had all finally gotten there. We spent our night outside, the kids throwing rocks in the pond just as we had done when we were children, and the rest of us just delighted in one another's company. All I could think about is how much it would have filled my Granny's cup. She loved for us all to be together. Why do we wait?

So in memory of my Granny, here is Proverbs 31 in its entirety. This woman is who I strive to be. My Granny personified her.

A Wife of Noble Character

10 ^[b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
      She is more precious than rubies.
11 Her husband can trust her,
      and she will greatly enrich his life.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
      all the days of her life.

13 She finds wool and flax
      and busily spins it.
14 She is like a merchant’s ship,
      bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
      and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

16 She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
      with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is energetic and strong,
      a hard worker.
18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
      her lamp burns late into the night.

19 Her hands are busy spinning thread,
      her fingers twisting fiber.
20 She extends a helping hand to the poor
      and opens her arms to the needy.
21 She has no fear of winter for her household,
      for everyone has warm^[c] clothes.

22 She makes her own bedspreads.
      She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
23 Her husband is well known at the city gates,
      where he sits with the other civic leaders.
24 She makes belted linen garments
      and sashes to sell to the merchants.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity,
      and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
      and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
      and suffers nothing from laziness.

28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
31 Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Updates-a-Plenty!

2008-04-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

I am just sitting here, as happy as a lark. A dark storm is rolling in, my grass is freshly mowed, my flowers are watered (which was not needed due to the impending storm), my laundry is put away. Ahhh...sure I have 50 pieces of clothing to iron, a sandy and grass scattered floor and a dishwasher to unload but hey, a girl can only do so much.
I love a freshly mowed lawn. I cannot tell you how much. Weird for a girl, I know. I inherited my love of lawn maintenance from my Daddy, who spends hours on his cool daddy mower, taking care of their 3 acres. I mowed with that thing this weekend and let me tell you, if Bobby would buy me one of those, I would start a lawn service in a HEARTBEAT. Oh yes I would. Who cares about the countless hours I worked to pay for grad school, there is something SO soothing to me to watch a task quickly become accomplished by riding a SWEET machine. I would hire workers to weed eat and clean up. Cause I hate that. Really. Anyway, I would post a picture of our lawn but I am still a tad afraid of crazy internet stalkers so you will just have to use your imagination.
I am also FINALLY going to bite the bullet and fix my kitchen wall catastrophe. Our paint color, which we love, was painted by our builder in a flat. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE heed my advice and NEVER paint a kitchen a flat color. It is impossible to wipe down without staining. Our walls look hideous after only 2 years in our home so I finally decided on a color and a few changes. Red is my favorite accent color and I have splashes of it throughout my house. My walls are a deep neutral so it works well I think. But my walls and ceilings are the same color all throughout the house with the exception of AK's room and the guest bath which we painted. But lately, I have been digging some blue. I so love blue and chocolate and creams and whites together. SO coastal and cottage-y. So imagine my glee when I happened upon a great blog with decorating ideas and she had summer-ized her decor by moving things around and she had added blue pillows to her red toile couch. And it was CUTE! So my throw pillows are a watercolor toile that I love....reds, blues with a neutral background. So I am replacing my balloon shade over my sink with more of that fabric, painting my walls a delicious green/blue color called Oyster Bay by Sherwin Williams that is, consequently, the color of our guest bath so it has been introduced into my color palette already! I am going to have a couple of throw pillows made in a coordinating blue fabric and be done! I am really excited about adding a little color. Anyway, probably way more than you care to know.
Finally, on a more serious note, my sweet girl has been talking more and more of Jesus. I pray over her every night and pray that she would recognize Him as her Savior at a young age. I did not update but for those of you that did not follow Lacey's carepage, she passed away last week. On the same day my sweet Granny had a heart attack in the hospital. And I was driving that day with SUCH a heavy heart and my sweet child began to sing..."My God is so BIG so STRONG and so MIGHTY, there's nothing my God cannot do!" It was so precious to hear words of praise from her little mouth. And you know, I believe the sweet Holy Spirit reached into her little brain and called upon that song to remind me that He is big indeed.

Pics!

2008-04-14T14:53:00.001-07:00

I so wish I had my makeover before these but here is a sneak peak of family pics we had taken recently!

http://kellystocksen.typepad.com/

Makeover!

2008-04-13T13:44:00.001-07:00

What women does not salivate at this word? Our church recently announced they were giving away a hair makeover and all you had to do was submit a video or written explanation as to why you should receive the makeover. I decided to give it a shot NEVER thinking I would win! So I got an email on Tuesday saying I was the winner and that I would get it done on Thursday and then be announced at our women's event Thursday night. It was SUCH a fun day. After 4 colors were put into my hair, it was shaped and styled, I walked out of the salon already feeling 100% better. I then went to the mall, got my makeup done, bought foundation for the first time and decided it helped my skin a ton! On Saturday during nap time, I went and got a manicure (just nude color but they look SO much better) and pedicure. Let me just tell you, I know God says, "charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeing but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I also know when we become vain and begin to think our beauty DOES come from outward appearance, we tread on dangerous ground. But as I put in my submission, after having Abby Kate, staying home full time and a year following 2 miscarriages, I just wasn't feeling too shiny. I think sometimes we let our feelings reflect in our appearance that being said, I looked and felt tired. I cannot tell you how much better I feel right now. Just seeing myself in a new light helps my confidence and perspective soar. So anyway, here are the before and after pics. I so wish I could treat you ALL to this kind of weekend. I will pray God blesses you financially so you could do it just once! Love you each....

The journey of faith...

2008-04-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like there are hundreds of subjects I could post on tonight. I have had such a month overflowing with precious lessons. Confirming my convictions, strengthening my resolve, deepening my faith, stretching my imagination....

As you read below, this family I asked you to pray for came into my life unexpectedly and grabbed ahold of my heart. I prayed for Lacie as I would someone in my own family. This past weekend, every time my phone buzzed with a text, my heart jumped to my throat. I begged God. Pleaded with Him to allow her to live. I prayed things in my heart, and then the Holy Spirit would intercede, bringing greater wisdom and depth to my prayers than could possibly come from mere me.

Knowing my story, you know God has told me no to impassioned prayers. I wrestled with this more than I realized. And I had realized it. But through praying for a 15 year old fighting for her life, I came to the conclusion that the results did not rest with me. It wasn't how hard I prayed or how much I believed He would answer what I prayed....It was simply believing without a doubt He could do what I ask, but also trusting His will was greater. What significant peace rests in that realization.

I also have been more and more convicted on my choice to stay home. Through this, I watched a Momma sit with her 15 year old daughter with quiet resolve. She KNEW her girl. In a stage where it can be hard to know a girl (teenager). And she knew her to the core. My Mom was the same way. She gave me a wide berth when I was moody, but was always there to gently probe. She was always there to listen and never acted shocked (which she still says is some of the best advice she received). But above all, she was ALWAYS there. Both physically and emotionally. I realized the other day that if you live to be 72 years of age, which seems to me to be an average life span, you are merely spending a quarter of your life at home with your children. Seems small doesn't it?

Now please do not here me casting stones at mothers that choose to work. I know many must. I know others have husbands that do not support them staying home. So please hear me say that.

But I will say, this whole experience meeting Leisa and her family has strengthened my resolve to passionately defend my choice to stay home and to encourage boldly others who are considering it. Living in the world we do, it is amazing that anyone stays home. I found through my exposure to higher education, it is frowned upon to bow out of the vocational game to raise a family....and that is a field that is a champion of our youth. I had to defend my choice to a person of high standing as I was getting my Masters. There is a world screaming at you that your worth comes from your vocation. Your financial status. Your beauty....Staying home usually checks you out of the game for all of those factors.

But just consider, God gave you the greatest gift He entrusts to humans. What greater could you invest your life in? And if a tragic illness or accident suddenly took your child, would you have regrets in the quantity and quality time you spent with them? These are questions even I, who am with my child constantly am asking myself. Is our time quality? Am I seeking to KNOW this child God has perfectly knit together? Am I pointing her to Him with my actions, my words, my treatment of others? Am I fostering a relationship with her that she can rest firmly in her Momma's love while excitedly exploring her world?

Pray

2008-03-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

*UPDATE: Lacey is doing WONDERFULLY! Power, power, wonder-working power! and as my sweet Abby Kate loves to sing, "My God is so BIG, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do!" She still isn't completely out of the woods, so please keep praying. If you would like to follow her story, you can now check www.carepages.com and click visit. Then type in laceyjoburns, no spaces, and it will take you to her page. It will also send email updates any time the page is update (which is whenever anything changes). Thank you EACH for praying!

I know many of you that read this have already gotten my email. But I am asking any one that reads this to please pray. Here is the story....

I just am coming to you on behalf of a family I met a couple of weeks ago. My cousin's best friend Leisa

has a daughter, Lacey that is 14 years old. Super healthy, athletic, great kid. She contracted microplasmic

pneumonia a couple of weeks ago. She was in the hospital a week at home and then was brought by ambulance

to the new children's hospital here. After another week, she was put in the PICU.

She is now on a ventilator and a sort of bypass machine to oxygenate her blood called an EC-Mo

machine. They tried taking her off of it last night and she started bleeding out internally from the

heparin she was on to thin her blood and they had to take her to surgery to cauterize her veins that were

bleeding. I took them a meal tonight and Leisa shared that Lacey had started bleeding again, that her SATs

had dropped dangerously low. But an hour ago, I got a text message saying she was worse and they have now

had to put in another chest tube. I cannot imagine how this family is feeling. They know the power of our God

and trust Him but I am sure they are beside themselves right now.

Would you please join me in agreement praying these three things for Lacey?

1.  That she can stay of the EC-Mo machine.

 2.  That her SATs will rise.

3.  That she will stop bleeding.

And ultimately, for healing.  I am specifically praying it will happen in a way that only HE can receive glory.

Thank you all SO much.  I adore you each...

Finally, a plan....

2008-03-19T08:20:00.001-07:00

I giggle as I write this post, knowing half of my readers will roll their eyes and sigh and the tedious details of this content. But the other half, the ones after my own heart, are energized by a plan. We love the semblence of order and at best, a facade of organization.

I always wanted to be a free spirit. One that was totally cool with whatever came my way. Then I went to Europe for 5 weeks with a friend after I graduated college with no plan whatsoever. A Eurorail pass and a laughably small budget...we had all intentions of just drifting. Finding fun towns tucked in these countries we were exploring. Finding cheap, clean hostels for low prices. Enjoying excellent food and conversation (we actually did that!). But those of you that have traveled in Europe know that was a naive notion. I break out in cold sweat just thinking about it. Catherine, my friend I travelled with actually is an artist so she was actually COOL with whatever. Me on the other hand, spent feverish hours pouring over our guide books, desperately needing A PLAN. I relished in my Coke Light and Snickers every morning for breakfast (except when I could find delicious pastries because, well, lets face it, I WAS in the land of great pastries) because it was something that gave me consistency in the midst of what felt like being out of control.

So here it is folks....

My sweet friend Robin loved me enough to send a great plan she got at a twin Moms meeting. I revised it to fit my life and and I will start on Monday. Abby Kate will always come first....I believe this is God's plan. However, since staying home, I have been convicted of the passage in Titus 2:3-5 which says, “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to respect their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

I want my home to be a haven of safety, orderliness and fun. I want my children and their friends to want to be at our home. I want to provide a place that my children not only feel safe, but cared for in little ways. My sweet friend Lacie is so good at finding fun projects to do with her daughter Channing. They made adorable Valentines for her friends. They make cookies. They do lots of little things that make Channing's day fun. I want to get my chores done quickly and efficiently so I can spend my time investing in the life that means the most to me.

So if you are interested in seeing this cool daddy spreadsheet, let me know. I would happily email it to you! It has made me giddy happy. So sad to you energizers out there....

Fun home goodness...

2008-03-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

Hi!...it has been awhile since the last post...I know! Just living life I guess...life has seemed busy. I am not a fan. Anyway, just thought I would post an assortment of subjects. First, I became obsessive during this last pregnancy about all the things I needed to get done but now could not do as a pregnant girl. Painting, lifting, rearranging...so when I knew it was going to end in a miscarriage, I made a long list of things I wanted to get finished before my next pregnancy. We are slowly but surely ticking off the list. This past weekend, my precious parents-in-law helped us move rooms around. We are now maximizing space. We moved my office into the never used dining room, utilizing the dining table without the leaf as my desk. We stored the chairs in our now cleaned out and organized attic (thanks Mom!). We made the old office a guest room for now but it is ready for a baby (just move out the bed for a crib if it is a boy....it is B's decorating and is ready for a cowboy-loving son...if it is a girl, we will have NEW projects!). We made the old guest room a playroom (YEA!) and a craft room for me. We moved the guest room to our bonus room upstairs and made a sort of guest suite. I LOVE it all. Now all I have left from my list is paint, touch up baseboards (they look terrible from when we had the wood floors put in), and clean out/organize 2 more closets. I want to get all white bedding for the guest suite and do a pale blue wall. I also want balloon shades for those windows. I have found red/white gingham roman shades on ebay that I may purchase for the playroom. All these are wants...I will slowly save to fun up the rooms.
I have really been struggling with balance lately. How do you all get it all done? I wiped down my cabinets and baseboards yesterday and I shutter to say, they were disgusting. Not to mention the things that need to be done daily, weekly...agh! What are your tips for organizing your home and tasks? I have a hard time staying on top of my deep cleaning. Baseboards, windows and window sills, ceiling fans, air conditioner vents, cleaning out and wiping down the refrigerator, cleaning your oven, etc.... how often do you do those things? I am an obsessive pick-up girl. Everything is in its place before bedtime, dishes are done...so it is not a mess I am dealing with, it is CLEAN. I love clean as you have seen from previous posts. I want my house to be gleaming but I do not want to be doing things all day, every day. I know you have to pick your priorities and AK will ALWAYS be first, but I want to work these things into my routine without spending all of naptime each day cleaning. Hmmm...cloning anyone? Hehe! I would love to hear from you all. I have had friends post similar questions on their blogs and I loved reading them so I thought I would ask my blog readers for more!

A Closeted Prodigal....

2008-02-04T12:21:00.001-08:00

"I came to love you late, O Beauty so ancient and new; I came to love you late. You were within me and I was outside where I rushed about wildly searching for you like some monster loose in your beautiful world. You were with me, but I was not with you. You called me, you shouted to me. You broke past my deafness. You bathed me in your light, you wrapped me in your splendor, you sent my blindness reeling. You gave out such a delightful fragrance, and I drew it in and came breathing hard after you. I tasted, and it made me hunger and thirst; you touched me, and I burned to know your peace." - Augustine

Still deep in this valley of the heart...of time in my life....I realized something I thought I'd share. Here I am, 23 years into this journey of faith....many of those years spent in childhood innocence and ease of faith...and as Augustine so beautifully wrote, God just sent my blindness reeling and for this first time, I tasted, drew it in and was touched only to be left panting for more. I have shared with a few that through this valley, I have been able to boldly proclaim how much pain and suffering is worth when the veil between Heaven and earth becomes more transparent....and even more exciting, the face of my Father has become unmistakable. My faith, which is worth fair more than gold, is being refined....and this temporal world, though hard to live at times, is passing away. I told B through this that though this is hurting terribly, I would so much rather know the One who stills the pain rather than have no pain at all.
It is so easy to begin to think highly of yourself. To think subconsciously that we are not as desperate for grace...for mercy...for forgiveness. That we are above the need for fire to refine. A closeted prodigal. Talking the talk, checking the list, making appearances, blindly lending your time...missing the passion in your words, the hunger in your time in the Word, the humility in knowing you need a Savior more than anyone else, the knowledge and depth of insight coming from sitting through a church service, the joy in serving as Jesus did when completing a task....why is it so easy to get comfortable and saying, "okay, this is enough. Thanks for the blessings Lord, but I am good here." Accepting greedily the good He gives but angrily demanding "WHY?!" when pain appears. In my case, perhaps the why was as easy as Him saying, "No daughter, I had bigger dreams for you when I dreamed you into being. Here is not enough. I have so much more for you....comfort is part of the way I bless you, seasons of stillness for you to enjoy....but you are not meant to stay there. Not meant to accept it as a more perfect blessing than growth and knowing Me." In brokeness, we remember our desperation, our utter need for Him. But more sweetly, my Father that was happily discarded as my life got easy, was standing in the road with his hand cupping his brow earnestly watching for my return. And as I saw Him there, I began the humbling sprint to the Daddy that never left. And as His strong arms picked up my broken heart and body, I was reminded of His love for me....so deep, so long, so high and so wide that I could not take it in....and this prodigal was reminded that I was one indeed.

Beauty From Ashes

2008-01-15T18:26:00.000-08:00

I emailed this post so many people that read this blog probably have already read this...however, I cannot pass an opportunity to praise my God...

We found out at Christmas I was pregnant again.

Two weeks later, I started spotting. Now two ultrasounds later, we have found out I have a blighted ovum.

I am still unsure what this is...but I basically, I still have a growing gestational sac but no baby. I will eventually miscarry. We are praying my body naturally does this soon. With a blighted ovum, your HCG levels can still rise for months, telling your body it is still pregnant. I could have a D&C, but with all the other pelvic trauma in the last couple of years, we are wanting to minimize scar tissue. The D&C or the pregnancy going a long time could cause this so we are praying specifically that it will happen in the next couple of weeks. It will be great for closure as well. Now onto the personal aspect of this email...you all know my greatest heart's desire in my relationships is authenticity. I just want to share with you each what God has done for us through this....Bobby and I both said from the beginning, we will praise You if we have a baby and we will praise You if it is taken away. So right now, I want to give Him praise for what He has done. "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13 When I started spotting last Monday, I knew I was standing at a crossroads. I knew that this trial...this heartache would either send me spiraling over the edge, away from my faith...away from the refuge of my God...toward bitterness and despair and depression. Or that I was going to come through it stronger...better. At the moment I saw blood again (my previous pregnancy was ectopic and I miscarried that pregnancy as well), I panicked. I was clinging in every way to my desire. My desperation for this baby. I wanted control. I wanted to know it was going to be okay. I have always claimed knowledge is power and so often, when I am vulnerable or scared, I seek information on the internet, or from others rather than running to the feet of my Father. This so often fueled my fear rather than eliminating it. Or it would be temporary and would last until the next wave of fear came upon me. I did this all day Monday. Monday night, I was at my darkest. My father in law called and encouraged Bobby to seek refuge in the Word. To seek the power and comfort that abides there. I got in bed that night, clasp my eyes shut tight and started begging God. I started that time begging Him for this baby. However, I spent what I can only describe as a supernatural time in the Word, walking away from my time saying "Thy will be done.."and meaning every word. I will say, the sweetest lesson in all of this has been of faith. I once thought that if I believed enough, did enough, asked the right way, promised enough, my will would be done. However, through this, I realized NONE of this is about us! Nothing. It about us coming to the end of ourselves and saying, "Please, you are all I want, all I need"...and knowing He is more than enough.

I once heard a quote that the opposite of faith is not unbelief but despair. I now know that as truth. I was despairing though I tried not to as I clung to my desperation for this child until I let my trust in God take over. As I said in an email to some of you earlier, this is the kind of time that makes people ask why? and struggle to serve an all-powerful, all-knowing God that allows things like this to happen to HIs people. So many people cannot cross over that line and serve a God like that. But as one who has just walked through the fire, I can only say that these are the times that God shows HImself strong, and that your faith is purified. That the junk, the stuff you thought was shiny and great is revealed as dross and burned away. I have realized that I have spent 22 years giving lip service to a God that I had yet to fully meet. That is the sweetness of a relationship with a Holy God. He reveals Himself through each thing if you will let Him. I felt a peace, the peace that He talks about in Phillipians, the peace that transcends all understanding and guards your hearts and minds enveloped me and carried me like a bubble, protecting me from all I thought was going to sweep me under. Then I felt God gently tugging at the strongholds in my life. I realized my medical family has relied for years on the miracles of modern medicine (which I still praise God for) but over THE GOD OF MIRACLES. I also realized I have spent my life protecting my heart from the wrong person. I told my Mom yesterday that I was guarding my heart and she asked me how I would feel if Abby Kate told me she was guarding her heart against me. I replied that I was no longer guarding my heart against the what ifs, but now against my own desires. I have simply imagined my precious God weeping with me saying "Daughter, I know you are hurting. I am so sorry. But this precious child was going to be disabled, sick, not whole, or very worse, would never come to know me. The pain you are feeling will be temporary in intensity but those other things would hurt you until the day you die. This is a tender mercy." I know that may not be true, or off theology, but it is what I see. I will just end with a verse Bobby came across last night, which holds such joy, such power. It says, "I, even I, am He who comforts you...And you forget the Lord you Maker, Who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth; You have feared continually every day because of the fury of the oppressor, when he has prepared to destroy. (this is our favorite part!) And where is the fury of your oppressor? The captive exile hastens, that he may be loosed, that he should not die in the pit...but I am the Lord your God, who divided the sea whose waves roared---the Lord of hosts is HIS name! And I have put My words in your mouth, I have covered you with the shadow of my hand..." Isaiah 51:12-16 Through this, not only I have gained freedom from the pit, but I have come to know my God, not as I have known Him to be, nor as I have been taught He is, but as He knows HImself to be.

Servanthood

2007-12-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

I just finished a book that had a quote in it I loved. It refers to motherhood. It remembers a simpler time. One that beckons to me often. Now when a beloved friend needs a gift, I will give her an apron. Attached will be this quote...

"Ma, why do you wear aprons?"

"An apron is like a uniform, you know, like a nurse wears a white dress and shoes. When I put my apron on, it's my way to telling you that everything I do around here is for you, because I love you."

"...when I am washing the dishes or making a meal or cleaning the house, I think about you and how much pleasure you'll have in eating a good meal or living in a peaceful, clean house. You're why I do all this. Because I love you, I spend my days serving you. There's no greater way to show love than to serve. When you really love someone, you don't mind doing things for them. It's a joy."

"Like when you getting Daddy his coffee in the morning?"

"Yes, honey, like that. I do it because I love him, and I choose to do it."

"Taking care of you and David and your pa--those are the greatest blessings of my life."

Sweet Friends

2007-11-20T12:16:00.001-08:00

Laura and I drove to Edmond last weekend for Lacie's surprise 30th birthday dinner. I cannot tell you how fun it was to get in the car and have 1.5 of uninterrupted adult conversation and then a 4 hour dinner complete with chips and salsa and cheese dip and flour tortillas thicker than pancakes and perfect conversation. I adore comfortable friends. The kind you can be 100% authentic with....We miss Lacie SO much but it was so fun to see her and their new house!
*Oh and by the way, I am getting my dorky hair cut this afternoon! I am praying I finally have found someone that will cut my hair into a cute style!

Dear Me...

2007-11-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Me,
I just wanted to write real quick to remind you not to take life....health...love for granted. You are so blessed. God has intentionally shown Himself to you, time and time again. Just this morning, you were told your daughter may have diabetes. You know first hand the ravaged results this disease leaves in its path. You spent 15 minutes driving to a lab, only to hold down your baby as she was stuck and blood was drawn from her veins. As she locked eyes with you, sobbing, you sobbed too, begging God to let it be you, not her. You spent another hour and a half waiting for the results, refusing to think what this may mean to her life while pleading this cup be passed from her. When the phone rang, good news was delivered and you felt, once again, that God was there. Listening and faithful.
A little over a year ago, you were told you had a tumor on your ovary. The C word was mentioned and you spent 4 days awaiting results that could have taken the gift of life from your lungs. You spent that 4 days clinging to your child, your husband...praying for the chance to live. You did not even consider the fact it may affect future child bearing. You merely wished to live and watch the one He had given you dance through life. You have wrestled since with what that surgery meant for your future family. Remember what He gave you. The chance to wake up again. And to love...and breathe...and taste...and see.
Ultimately, I want you to remember that life began when you accepted Jesus Christ as the Way, the Truth and the Life. He never promised you it would be easy....He only said you'd never go alone. He is the only one worthy of His promise. And He promised to never leave or forsake you. He promised plans to prosper, not to harm you. Though your plans may be passed over, His are always better.
Keep your eyes on only He that is faithful,
Stephanie
"I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10

Tradition

2007-10-31T12:20:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling as if I was 7 again...excited about the day that I got to dress up and pretend for a whole day and the adult world encouraged it! I remember not knowing Halloween had evil roots. I just loved the day. Even as a girl, I loved to imagine and dream and pretend. I remember each Halloween my Mom would put on a huge pot of chili for all our friends to come over and in the early years, they would get Wild Horse Mountain BBQ which was a hometown favorite. My Nannie and Grumpies would come and my Grumpies would dress up as the Great Pumpkin and serve candy to the thousands of children who knocked on our door.
As I mentioned in a previous post, my family had precious friends. Still does. These whole families who meshed into ours and lived beside one another. We learned to ride bikes together, learned about Jesus, laughed and cried. We celebrated holidays together and took pictures on first days of school.
Halloween was no exception. We lived in a neighborhood that was perhaps the busiest in town on Halloween. I was not exaggerating when I said thousands of children would come to our door. So by 5:00, it would be impossible to get in and out of our neighborhood. My Dad would come home early, our friends would arrive and eat and then we would all set out together trick or treating in the dark. We would race from house to house laughing and screaming about the candy!
Now that I am on the other side, I know our parents loved it as much as we did. They got to spend time with each other and watch their children delight in pretending! I also now see the sacrifice my Nannie and Grumpies made by driving 2.5 hours, even on the days Halloween fell on a week night and spent making it special for us.
So tonight, I will watch my little bumblebee explore the world of her imagination and hold my Mom's hand, who came to be here and perhaps fire up a pot of chili. We will meet our friends and set out with our children. I just love tradition. Don't you?

Finally Finished....

2007-10-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

Here is the final product of my "new" entry way the the pew I mentioned a month or so ago. The only thing left is a cushion I am having made with red ticking stripe fabric. I ADORE the way this turned out!

Fears Recognized

2007-10-19T04:55:00.000-07:00

So I had a weird day a couple of days ago. The meteorologists had been calling for severe weather all week and though not much can faze our state, when they begin saying things like "tornadoes likely," you would be a fool not to ready yourself. So the day comes and the skies are overcast. All day I keep waiting to the telltale signs rolling in....the green tint to the sky, the low black clouds, the still air. I only had AK at home and had put her down for her nap early so in case of our needing to take cover, I wouldn't have to wake a grouchy baby. So I am sitting at my computer which is on the west side of our house. The view out of my office's window is another house 25 feet away. I hear a loud boom and think to myself, "oh here they go...the storms are firing up." So I go into the living room where I have a south, unobstructed view and see the same overcast skies. But as I walk into my kitchen, I see a ton of smoke just over another house on 25 acres behind us. The trees are huge so I could not see what was causing the smoke. I went outside and not 3 seconds later, I hear another boom and realize I am hearing explosions. Suddenly, helicopters are circling, people are frantically running down the street behind my house, and the emergency vehicles begin. 8 firetrucks, 4 ambulances and I quit counting on the police. I am thinking in my head, "oh sweet Lord, someones house has exploded." I kept praying for those effected. I turned on the news, hoping to see what had happened. I finally kept refreshing my internet until I see the story appear. "Planes crashes. No survivors."
Death surrounds us every day. People die....it is part of life. However, this tragedy has effected me so strangely. It was someones entire family. Wife and children and the pilot. I cannot fathom what he is feeling. Going from a family of five to a family of one in one day. What do you do? My heart has broken for this man. I simply do not know what to pray for him. But I am anyway.
It has just reminded me that none of us are promised tomorrow. That when my husband leaves this morning, I am going to kiss him soundly and tell him how precious he is....how proud of him I am, how much I respect him. And when my baby wakes up and we sing "Good Morning George How are You?" and her sweet voice rings of innocence and purity, I will scoop her up and kiss every exposed inch of her. I will breathe in her baby scent and tell her how much I adore her. I will be thankful for the gift of waking up. I will be thankful that I have a God that cares and is always present....even when tragedy strikes and He could of stopped it.

Go Vote!

2007-10-09T11:30:00.001-07:00

I am just reminding all my fellow Tulsans to go vote YES on the river tax today.
Just a tidbit of what the package would bring to Tulsa and our economy.

A $500 million private development will be built on the west bank of the Arkansas River, if the October 9 river vote passes. That word is according to the developers of the Branson Landing project in Branson, Missouri.

Those developers were in Tulsa Wednesday to show detailed plans of their proposed "Tulsa Landing". They say the drawings are very close to what the final project would look like.

So Good

2007-10-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

Oh Ya'll. I just love me some Paula Deen. I know Nancy, Erin and Autumn can attest to that. I make her recipes often and we tried this last night and it was DELICIOUS. Just thought I would pass it on. SO EASY! And yummy!

Shrimp and Wild Rice Casserole

Recipe courtesy Paula Deen
Show:	Paula's Home Cooking
Episode:	Comfort Food

1 (8-ounce) package wild rice
1 pound medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1/2 onion, chopped
1 (10 3/4-ounce can) condensed cream of mushroom soup
2 cups grated sharp Cheddar
Salt and pepperCook the rice according to package directions minus 1/4 cup water. Drain and cool.

Bring 2 cups water and 1/2 tablespoon salt to a boil in a medium saucepan and cook the shrimp for 1 minute. Drain immediately and set aside.

Heat the butter in saucepan and saute the pepper and onion until soft, about 5 minutes.

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.

In a large bowl, combine the rice, soup, 1 1/2 cups of cheese, shrimp and vegetables. Add salt and pepper, to taste. Mix well. Spray a 9-inch square aluminum cake pan or an 11 by 7-inch glass casserole dish with vegetable spray. Place the mixture in the pan and top with remaining 1/2 cup cheese. Bake for 30 minutes, until bubbly.

*I did not put in the green pepper or onion. I actually used the butter and put some minced onion in it. B hates onions. It had SUCH great flavor. We decided we might try it with chicken some time or you can omit the shrimp and just use it at a side.

The Change...

2007-10-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

I am not sure when it started. The apathy. The lukewarmness. The spiritual laziness. The fear. The doubt. The insecurity.
It probably was always there...but it became more and more a part of me. Day after day, choice by choice.
Truth became hazy. The world became attractive. Wants became needs. People became saviors.
I danced. I danced for those I thought wanted me to dance. I did the polka and the waltz and the salsa and the two step.
I conformed. I wanted to please. I claimed it was part of my personalitity. I secretly thought it made me likeable and sweet.
I wanted to be everything to everyone. Needed. I wanted to be a passionate believer to the seasoned. I wanted to be an intellectual to those who could not believe. I wanted to be a modest beauty. I wanted to be called hot. I wanted to give all I have to the poor, orphaned and widowed. I wanted a spa in my home and a unlimited gift card to Banana. I wanted a doting husband. I wanted to be the boss. I wanted to do full time ministry. I wanted to be a movie star. I wanted to read everything I could get my hands on about Jesus. I wanted to read every line in US Weekly. I wanted to have more time. I wanted to watch my DVRed shows 9 hours a week. I wanted to make everyone in my life feel special. I wanted everyone to ask about me.
How does this work? This paradox. This life of faith?
After reviving my quiet times with the Lord in the mornings, I have been reminded.
I prayed. He heard.
Life is different. My heart tender. News that would have provided gossip fodder has broken me. My heart is vulnerable. The things I have held with clenched hands have begun to fall.
The Me I have constructed is not who I was created to be. I am so glad.
He is so trustworthy. This life is messy. It is hard. It is fleeting.
I am so thankful He is worthy. Because I am not. I am so thankful there is more to life than me.

A Life Well Lived....

2007-09-13T11:13:00.001-07:00

I have had so much to think about today. My sweet husband had surgery on Tuesday as I had mentioned and the recovery has been so rough. We truly covet your prayers. In addition to the grief of watching one you love hurt, ironically this girl from a medical family practically overdosed my husband. I have been flitting about, silently patting myself on the back for being such a compassionate, competent nurse and as I handed the hydrocodone to my husband last night, he looked at it and said in a tonsil-less whisper, "is this right? It seems you are giving me more and more." Always one to have a hard time admitting I am wrong, I confidently replied, "of course." He handed me back the half full shot glass (it is actually cute little rooster juice glasses but the size of a shot glass) and said, "well then I don't want this much." It was then I realized that yesterday morning, I had begun measuring his medicine with a medicine cup and had thought the tablespoon was actually a teaspoon. I have been sick over my mistake and though I know guilt is not of the Lord, I have been drowning in it. I asked for the forgiveness of my in-laws, who are here as well to take care of him and they graciously showed me lavish grace. Even my husband, who is hurting so extra badly today because he had 4 times the medicine yesterday to hide the true pain and has had horrible stomach problems all afternoon (thankfully the doc says is from the antibotic and not the pain meds OD but you can never be sure) has forgiven me. But I am just sick over my carelessness, my irresponsibilty. It is so typical of me. I do things so fast and so confidently. My husband, who I affectionately dubbed my turtle, does EVERYTHING slowly, precisely. Whereas it takes me 20 minutes tops to pay our bills and balance our checkbook, it would have taken him 2 hours. So this error is not only careless, but I have been asked repeatly by my husband to slow down and pay better attention. I gambled with his life and PRAISE GOD His hand was protecting his body from me. I am reminded how sweet grace truly is...the unmerited favor shown at the darkest of times. It has reminded me of Jesus...whose live WAS given for me, even when it was MY sin that put Him there.
I also wanted to use this post to honor a life well lived. Isn't sweet, such a measure of God's care for us that He gives us precious friends to walk beside in this life? My family had PRECIOUS friends. I now realize how unusual it is to have other families that feel as close as your blood. That have walked beside you through each stage and have spoken into your life in powerful ways. One such family in our lives is the Wells family. Most of you that know me have heard me speak of them and know how special they are to us. In college, my parents finally moved next door to them and we have gotten to share a cul-de-sac as well as our lives. The mom, Suzi, is a precious Godly woman who comes from an incredible Godly heritage. You know when you meet someone whose life just screams BLESSING? She is one such woman. Not only from her own choices in life but also from her Godly parents whose prayers have followed her throughout life. Our families are close enough that we loved each others extended family as well. Suzi's Mommy, sweet Boettsie went home to be the Lord this morning. When my Mom called to tell me this morning, my heart broke for Suzi's Dad, who loved his wife more than his own life. Theirs was a love affair worth wrtiting about....But also thought of the party going on in Heaven to welcome such a precious child home. I have no doubt she heard the words "well done good and faithful servant" and that her crown was so full of the jewels of her servant's heart that they had to get help as she laid it at the feet of her Jesus. Her needlepointed picture she finished for me sits by my beside, reminding me to "keep my eyes on Jesus" as she so often told us all. But more importantly, her life showed us how. This fallen world is brighter because God shared her with us. She will be so missed....

I'm Back!

2007-09-10T12:02:00.000-07:00

For all the business of summer, my computer COMPLETELY crashing, I mean dead....and the anticipation of my hubbies upcoming surgery (removal of tonsils and fixing a deviated septum), I have been out of action on the blog front. Not much new to report in my world, except for the fact I got a sweet new iMAC computer which has been fun to tinker with....expect lots of new fun videos and pics. Although probably more so on Abby Kate's blog than on this one.
I have been trying to think of a subject of significance to post updating on my thoughts, life, new tricks...hmmm....but I keep coming up empty.
I have been contemplating my favorite blog subject....motherhood lately. I am realizing how hard the first child sydrome is when you stay home and spend time with them all day. Lets just say she is suffering from extreme egocentric-ism. We have gone to play at the mall a few times and she just sits there fasinated but will not play unless I am glued to her side. I am trying to encourage her to play by herself by making myself unable throughout the day. She is getting better. However, this child I thought was going to be fearless seems to have a timid side when she gets around other children. I know this makes sense. She is with me all day and is always at ease with adults. She just is struggling with her counterparts. I am starting a Bible study on Thursday mornings at our church so she will have more time with other children then as well as at church on Sundays. We do play dates and she does well after a while. She does much better with older children than with other toddlers. I can see how this is a downside of children being at home instead of daycare. However, I am willing to pay this price so this is merely thinking out loud than wishing for the alternative.
I am doing a little fall cleaning around here and doing massive purging. We still have so much stuff we got from our wedding that has never been out of the box....glasses that have never been used, etc...I am now just trying to figure out what is going to Goodwill and what will be consigned or yard sold (random grammar...sorry). I hate yard sales but I may have to do one with this random assortment of things. I am just craving organization in my life!
I am about to start a few new projects. Painting an armoire and iron bed and bedside tables for Abby Kate's big girl room. I am super excited about the armoire. I am painting it antique white and will distress it and am taking out the panels of the top two doors and getting coordinating fabric and gathering it on a rod at the top and bottom and hanging it over the opening. I will post pictures when I finished. I still have not figured out when we are going to transition but as soon as things settle down we will try. I really would like to make my office a playroom as well and make move the craft table in here. I would love to paint a wall with the chalkboard paint so we would have a HUGE canvas to draw upon but I am sure that would not be great for resale someday nor are we sold on what rooms will be children's bedrooms eventually so I am sure I will hold off. She is getting pretty into coloring now so the endless possibilities of art projets make me giddy!
I also started painting monogrammed canvases for friend's weddings, birthday gifts and/or baby gifts and starting selling them so that has been fun too. I am doing small canvases with wired ribbons to hang spelling "thankful" for over my mantle (or entryway....haven't decided) for fall and am going to do the same spelling "believe" for Christmas. It is super easy. Just get stencil paper and find a font you love and then print it. Cut out the stencil and trace it onto the painted canvas. The get a hard wired small paint brush and paint away. This part takes practice but you could do it! I LOVE decorating for holidays!
I so hope all is well in each of your lives. God is so good!

Incredible...

2007-08-29T09:12:00.000-07:00

Lest you think I have become a Godtube addict...this is so incredible. It is very Jesus centered so if you are not a Christian, it may offend. But I will say, amazing picture of His love for us....

So Cute!

2007-08-23T13:08:00.001-07:00

Its an addiction really....

2007-08-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe I have been blogging for about a year and I have never devoted a post to my first nonhuman love. Oh the deliciousness....fellow addicts know exactly what I am talking about. Popping the tab, or better yet, ordering the Sonic 44 and taking a sip of the icy cold goodness. It just makes me giddy thinking about it.

When I read things coffee drinkers write, I always think how adult and sophisticated they sound. Quaint and warm is the picture of someone curling up with a good cup of coffee. I tried it for a while. I really tried. I wanted to be grown up...with my Starbucks in hand as I shopped. I wanted to use the cute mugs that came with my dishes. I really did. But I just couldn't get it. My sweet husband kept telling me to quit trying to conform. If I had to try this hard, it was just as immature as giving into the peer pressure to drink in high school...which I never did for that matter. So I quit. Cold turkey. I still enjoy a Starbucks Vanilla Frappacino but lets face it, it is more milk and sugar than it is coffee so it doesn't count.

So now, I proudly open my Diet Coke first thing in the morning and sip. It just makes me happy. I kick into gear and begin to feel like I am sneaking something special into a mundane day.

It was the forerunner, actually the only true thing I grieved when I got pregnant. Giving it up was the hardest thing about pregnancy for me. Not to mention realizing I could not have it for the months that followed her birth because of breastfeeding (believe me, I needed it :))

So all this brings me to my funny story. We were on vacation this past week and I was sitting in the back with AK reading a People magazine. I flipped the page to a Diet Coke ad and AK exclaimed, "Mama's! No, no!"

Oh the horror! My 20 month old baby knows a Diet Coke can by sight and knows the scolding that follows when she tries to touch it. Hey, I love the stuff but my baby is NOT putting it in her body! Hehe!

New, New, New!

2007-08-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

Before

After

I am a nester....to the core. I have been since college. I love home. The feel, the safety, the comfort. At times, I find being married to a builder a challenge to my contentment but most often, I am just grateful. We just got home from vacation, B's flooring guys cut us a great deal on hardwood floors and while we were gone, they were installed, distressed, stained and sealed. I returned to a extremely dusty house but a beautiful change. Our carpet had little juice spots from AK's sippy and the dogs love to track in dirt and Lord knows what else. I was vacuuming once a day and was getting tired of it never feeling clean. I just adore the look and feel of the new floors. The look aged yet elegant. Just the way I want my home to feel.
I got the rug at an amazing deal at the Marshall's Megastore in Osage Beach (where we vacationed), seriously, a forth of the cost I thought I would pay. I was all set to wait until Christmas or so but love that we got it early and feel it finishes the room.
As I love to pass on my housekeeping tips, and again, this is a disclaimer that I am NOT a champion house cleaner....I PROMISE. I just love reading others tips on how to get clean efficiently...ie: little time. I bought the swiffer dusters (look like the old dust puffs) and dusted all my blinds and ceiling fans and they are WONDERFUL!
I also got a great new blog passed on to me so I am passing it to you. If you love decorating and unique fun things to do with your home, this is a great site. She has a store in KC was you will see called Curious Sofa.
Okay, I would love some fun posts! I feel like I have been out of the loop a while!

Dancing....

2007-07-25T14:22:00.001-07:00

Shocker Ahead....

2007-07-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

For those of you that have known me my whole life, you just gasp in shock. Yes, my blonde hair went bye bye. In the middle of summer. When highlights are all the rage.
I have been highlighting my hair since I was 18. As I have aged, my hair has just gotten darker and darker. Call it curoisity, call it a budget that does not afford for highlights every 6 weeks, but i did it. I got it stripped of all highlights and back to my natural color. Can you BELIEVE how dark it is. She said it will lighten as I am in the sun. FUN FUN!
Just thought I would share!

CD!

2007-07-19T11:14:00.001-07:00

I know you all are probably thinking I have now turned this blog over to promotion. I promise, I am not. But I read about this cd release at one of my favorite blogs, BooMama. If you are a blogger, or even just a blog reader, you will LOVE her. Such wit. Anyway, back at Monk and Neagle. Great sound. I love acuostic guitar and great harmony. You will enjoy I'll bet!

Book Recommendation

2007-07-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

Run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore or library and READ THIS BOOK! I have a lot of "best evers" but do not give books this title too often. This still does not beat my beloved Mark of the Lion series, but it is close. That is saying something folks. You will love it, love the characters and love the words.

Free

2007-07-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

It is the birthright of all the fortunate born into our country. It comes through truth, knowing God's love and grace and forgiveness. It is an adjective attached to my name as a believer yet has proven to be elusive. But the word FREE has elicited a clear picture in my head. That of my standing on the edge of a cliff with a breathtaking vista set before me, and then a fall, so exhilarating, not because of the fear but of the knowledge that I was to be caught. By hands that knew the fall was worth it.
I am finally free.
Free in a marriage that has been mediocre at best. Freed by truth divinely communicated through many avenues but most clearly communicated here. Freed by TRUTH.
Free in my skin that has, for so long, been a slave to pleasing others. I cannot tell you how exhausting it has been....concern of perceptions and then the energy to manipulate that perception. Perhaps this compulsion is why I love massages so much. It will leave you in knots.
Free from the fear. Oh the fear. Fear that everything I was doing was wrong. Fear that those who loved me would soon discover the fraud I was and then stop. Fear that motherhood was the end of the road in terms of what my life had to offer the world. And then guilt. Oh the guilt. Guilt for not keeping the house clean. Guilt that when I was, I was not spending time with Abby Kate. Guilt that everything I was doing to raise her was wrong.
And the complacency. Yuck. In the words of a beloved literary character, "But who am I? Just another woman in Christendom who's trying to figure out why she feels so defeated all the time and is coming up with a long list of problems but a short list of answers.
Is it the church? Is it me? Is it Jesus?"
I feel so much of my life has led me to this discovery. The discovery of my idolatry of control. The discovery that though freedom is mine to be had...in so many more ways that one, I had left it sitting on the table....and had chosen this cage instead.
Thus leading me to the posted song. The first time I heard it, I was on my way home from the doctor during my miscarriage. I was SO far from freedom, yet huge, hot tears streamed down my face in longing. Really? Is there really no chain strong enough, no shadow dark enough, no mountain high enough, that HE can't climb? I am standing to attest. NO. In HIM there is freedom. This song has chased me. It plays every time I am still. The words bring forth tears every time. And now, they are tears of praise.
I remember Beth Moore saying once, that every morning she sits down to spend her time with the Lord, she throws back her head and says, "THRILL ME!" I remember hearing her say that and so wanting what she had. To know this God I served so well, that our relationship was thrilling. I can say, the thrill of freedom surpasses all.
And here I stand, in my own personal Hanukkah. For all my baptist sisters, rededication. The Hebrew word for dedication is Hanukkah. In other words, it is a reestablishment of worship. I am in awe of my Father, who has had it right all along. I have traded riches for rags and I for one am ready to trade. I am no longer a slave but am FREE. Free indeed.

Finally Free-Nichole Nordeman

2007-07-14T19:26:00.001-07:00

This will touch you. It has been an anthem in my life recently. I will post more later. But please watch...and LISTEN. Her words are...perfect.

Blog-Worthy Topics

2007-06-24T08:19:00.001-07:00

Okay...
I know it seems I only post on this blog every month or so....I have decided to try to come up with a few posts a month at least. Here are a few things that have passed my mind lately that I think might be fun to blog about...
First, EVAN ALMIGHTY. A new movie that we went to see yesterday. Now those of you who know me well know I LOVE a movie. We now see about 3-4 a year...much to my despair. There is nothing like going into a dark movie theatre and tuning out for a couple of hours. This movie was fantastic. Clean, no bad language, touching/great story and.....hysterical. I have not laughed that hard at a movie since Elf. I mean I cried I was laughing so hard. So those of you that love good dry physical comedy like I do...aka: Will Ferrell, Steve Carrell....this movie is for you. For those of you Indie film lovers, this one is not for you. You would say trite, outlandish and pat. But I LOVED IT! And really encourage everyone to see it. I love that Hollywood is producing these clean, family-friendly comedies and are getting great comedians to star. Lets encourage them to continue to do so by upping the ticket sales for these movies.
A few posts ago, I wrote about my favorite things. One thing I mentioned, the Caldrea counter top spray much to my surprise is being discontinued. My sweet Aunt Lynn emailed me to tell me it was on massive sale so if you want to try it, you can order it www.caldrea.com
My sister-in-law and brother got me a massage at a new beauty school here called Clary Sage. It really has the feeling of a big city spa...high ceilings, soothing music, lots of metal and mirrors. AND at half the price you can get great services by students. I got a 1 hour massage for $25. I laid there thinking how I could work it in the budget to get one a month. Sigh. So I just encourage you to check into your beauty/massage schools for low prices and a bit of pampering on a budget.
I also found out that if you have big dogs like us, that PetCo grooms for half price on Sunday-Tuesday. Not that we have spent the money yet but they do.
That is it for now...we are about to leave for church! Happy Sunday!

Happy Father's Day!

2007-06-17T05:37:00.001-07:00

I could literally write a book about my father. As a little girl, I realized the blessing that was my parents. Oh I could not have put it into words, but there it was, resting in the heart of a little girl that felt safe, treasured, and special. It was there when my Daddy would come home from a long day and would allow me to dance on his tired feet for hours. A Daddy that would be up all night delivering babies but was never too tired to get up at 4 am and have a fire going on Christmas morning because his children were too excited to sleep. A Daddy that would drive all night to reach our vacation destination so that we would not have to be in the car bored all day. A Daddy that cried with me when my heart was broken. It wasn't until later in my life that I realized the depth and breadth of the blessing of a real Daddy and not just a father. All I know of trustworthiness, honesty, integrity, work ethic, listening skills, and steadfastness, I learned from observing my father. He is intelligent, thoughtful and sensitive. However, above all things, I have realized the number of women crying out for affirmation in our world that never received it from the place God intended....a Daddy's mouth. And I now realize that my own father had not been taught that language. He had come from a home of hard work and silent love. So he learned that language. A language that still to this day names him as the most fluent speaker of affirmation in my life. He was still enough to recognize my dreams and then loved me enough to never put a ceiling on them. He taught me to stand up straight, that "tall is beautiful." He often made an awkward teenage girl feel beautiful and treasured. I will never forget him sitting up late one night waiting for me after a particularly hard night of choosing to not go to a party. I had chosen to go against the world and had faced much ridicule. I will never forget our conversation and his support, affirmation and words of encouragement that reminded me of why I wanted so badly to please my Heavenly Father....because I had an earthly father that I wanted to please just as badly. So much of my self image was shaped by his championing my life. So much of the woman I am, is because God gave me a Father that looked so much like Him.

Top 10 selfish things I would do if I won the lottery....

2007-05-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

1. Have a spa in my house...with estheticians (sp?), hair dressers, masseuses and nail people on call 24 hours a day.
*I read an article once that Donna Karan had one in her house and the only fabrics she used in the spa was cashmere and linen. Um Yeah, I will want that too.
2. House cleaner. Enough said.
3. Someone to iron our clothes.
4. A cook (preferably someone whose speciality is Italian food...or maybe Paula Deen) available if I wanted them and when I didn't want them to cook, they would still make the menu and do my grocery shopping. They would also be a wonderful pastry chef that could whip up sweet delicacies when I craved them at night.
*I actually love to cook...however there are nights I really hate it thus the second part of my cook's job.
5. A personal trainer. Did you see the above post?
6. Okay, I know this doesn't exist any more and I promise you, if I employed someone like this, I would treat them like royalty. Not the way they treated them in the old days (just like my favorite literary character of all times, Haddasah of the Mark of the Lion series). But you know when you read about them in books...I think they are called handmaidens or something? They were there to pick out clothes, do your hair and makeup, help you get undressed and dressed, draw you a bath, brush your hair, etc...yeah, I want one of those.
7. A personal shopper (for clothes and such). But I get to go too.
8. An endless supply of ridiculously expensive sheets with, like, 5000 thread count and a closet full of beautiful bedding that I could change out when I got bored with one set.
9. A library full of every book published.
10. Someone to manage my money. I mean come on ya'll. The lottery winnings will go pretty fast with all this stuff. I don't want to have to go through all the bankruptcy stuff that all the other yahoo lottery winners experience.
So that's that.

"Delight comes by the way of scars..."

2007-05-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

The quote in the title of this post is by one of my favorite authors, Sue Monk Kidd. It has always seemed darkly poignant to me. It is written on my chalkboard beside my list of prayer requests. It serves as a gentle reminder that God never promised my life would be easy, but He did promise to work things together for my good....and He promised I would never walk alone.
Oh how homesick I am for Heaven right now. For those of you that do not know, Bobby and I suffered a miscarriage this week. As I have written to many of you, it has been harder than I thought. Painful, sad, lingering....however, God is sweetly supplying His famous peace. And I am swimming in it. Many will argue when life truly begins....this is not a post to argue that. But believing life begins at conception, I have been able to picture our sweet baby sheltered in the shadow of His wings...being gently rocked and lovingly held. My heart nearly burst at the thought of meeting my Jesus face to face. I cannot wait. And I now anxiously await meeting this sweet child someday. Perfect and whole and well. Unscathed by the sins of this world. Though I do not understand God's ways, I rest knowing my pain is never wasted. I know He is already working it together for my good. I am seeing His love in action, yet once again.
I know many ask the question of why bad things happen. We walk around in grief, fumbling as if in darkness and often cry "WHY?" I asked B today if he ever felt like he was playing games with God. Like not praying for specific things like increased wisdom, depth of insight, faith, etc...for fear of what He might do to get us there. I do. However, I know His character. I know that is not like Him. He LOVES me. And I will say, though my life has been SO blessed, there have been hard things. And it has been those hard things that have taught me of who He really is. Not who the world says He is, not even who believers say He is, but who He knows Himself to be.
I was looking back in my journal at another hard thing I was forced to walk through years ago...and God led me to a verse, it states...
"Thou hast showed Thy people hard things: Thou hast made us drink the wine of astonishment." Psalm 60:3
I get it now. Each time I walk through the fire, though I ache with the burns, I am always astonished at the state of my heart. Comfort, peace and overwhelming faith. HE supplies.
"The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21-22

Our New Haven

2007-05-15T07:57:00.000-07:00

Bobby bought me a new conversation set (4 chairs and a firepit table) for our patio for Mothers Day. My parents bought us a porch swing (in honor of you Heather!) and some new cushions and umbrella for our old patio furniture for Mothers and Fathers Day and B put on a fresh coat of paint to our old stuff and it looks amazing. We stained our concrete about a month back. I have LOVED having it! We sat outside for hours last night, even braving the mosquitos and enjoyed. I love sitting out there in the mornings having my quiet times. It really is my dream porch. More to post later....just wanted to share!